


Like a Stone

by tomlucitor



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder, F/M, Genderfluid Character, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Realistic Portrayal of Mental Illness, Slow Burn, Smoking, sebastian and the farmer are both very mentally ill bro, there will also be fluff angst and every other delicious thing you want in a slow burn, there will be smut later hohoho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:09:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 54,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22379239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomlucitor/pseuds/tomlucitor
Summary: Weakened by the monotony and cruelty of corporate life, Ash Spectre packs her bags and moves to her late grandfather's farm. With a strong sense of determination and a knack for nurturing, she is hellbent on bringing Scarlet Farm back to life. But what will happen when she discovers that the people of Pelican Town are not as easy to handle as the wildlife?
Relationships: Sebastian/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Sebastian/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 84
Kudos: 139





	1. Prologue

The sun can do wonders for someone who spent her life in the dark.

Back in Zuzu City, Ashtyn Spectre had earned a few nicknames with her unsettling gaze and apathetic, dry way of speaking. The scary one, that girl who’s probably a serial killer, the freaky bitch on the third floor, et cetera. Nothing creative, of course, just simpleton descriptors. Her coworkers at Joja Corp. called her everything under the sun… except her name. She didn’t _blame_ them, per se, especially since the job she had before Joja taught her to keep all coworkers at arm’s length and then some. But responding mainly in curt grunts and noncommittal shrugs, taking too-frequent smoke breaks, and openly wearing her pentacle necklace in an office full of average joes certainly didn’t earn her any friends.

But Pelican Town was different. Pretty much all of Stardew Valley was different, actually. The summers Ash spent at her grandpa’s farm were easily the best she’d ever had. He could have chosen anyone to take over the farm, she thought upon reading the letter he’d handed her upon his death. But her family was… Less than trustworthy, and he knew this. Ash was the one who, on both sides of her family, refused to continue in her bloodlines’ history of drugs, abuse, crippling alcoholism, narcissism, theft… The smoking (and _occasional_ alcohol) stayed with her, though. Regardless of her past, Ash was the one in her family who hadn’t succumbed to a life of pathetic, miserable mediocrity, and she guessed that that was why her grandpa chose her, an out-of-shape, chronically ill city slicker, to take over his farm.

So far the hardest thing she ever had to do was crack open rocks. She had to fight hard against her poor health in order to keep the farm in working order, but after almost a week, Ash was making decent progress. Nearly every small log was chopped, every rock split, and all of the seeds she could get her hands on were planted and watered. Looking out on the huge expanse of land before her, she wondered how the hell she did it all. At Joja she was denied countless promotions and raises that her peers had gotten simply because she needed extra help to understand processes. At her soulless retail job before that, she was singled out for the same reasons, and eventually quit when it hit her that she was essentially the packmule for all of her coworkers who didn’t want to do their own work. But on her grandfather’s farm, she felt complete. No one could tell her how to do her job, nor could anyone stop her from doing whatever the hell she wanted. That’s how she was meant to live all along. 

Taking one last deep breath of the fresh, unpolluted air around her, Ash turned and headed back into her house. She figured it was a safe enough bet to head to the local saloon tonight and get to know more of the townsfolk, as per suggestion by Mayor Lewis. Was 3pm too early to start getting ready? Impressions are key, she figured, especially in a town of less than thirty. Sitting at her makeshift vanity, Ash grabbed a pot of eyebrow pomade and got to work.


	2. 1 - Beginnings

The sun was torture for someone who wanted to be swallowed by his own fucking misery.

Sebastian squinted up at the offending star, scowling as if intimidating the sun would cause it to stop burning in the sky. It didn’t. 

He sighed dramatically, kicking a stray rock as he trudged down the all-too familiar path to the heart of Pelican Town. The music blaring through his headphones did next to nothing to calm the racing thoughts in his mind, telling him to stay home, telling him he didn’t belong, that his friends didn’t actually want to see him, that his life was a rut--

“Hey, Seb!” Chirped a familiar voice. Sebastian looked up, tugging the right headphone from his ear.

“Sam?” He blinked, not used to being startled out of his usual brooding. “Why the hell were you at work?”

Sam ran a few paces to catch up with him, hair bobbing comedically in time with his steps. “I took on an extra day this week. Saving up for summer, y’know?” His smile was infuriating. Sebastian huffed in response.  _ No, Sam, I don’t know. I can’t save money because I hardly make any fucking money _ . Putting his discarded headphone back into his ear, Sebastian turned his music up a few clicks, nodding along as Sam chattered about god knows what. It was beyond him, how Sam hadn’t noticed after all these years that he hardly ever listened when he talked. It wasn’t that Sebastian didn’t care, or that he didn’t like his best friend, it was just…  _ painful _ to listen to someone being so goddamn happy sometimes. It was painful to know that someone with a life so similar to his own managed to be happy. Deep down he wished he could be like his blond counterpart, all smiles and sunshine, but the bigger part of him tacked that kind of peppiness on to either ignorance or inhibition of deeper, more negative feelings. 

“ _ I said _ have you met the new farmer?” Sam chided, taking Sebastian by surprise. His eyes traveled down to the lone headphone that Sam now twirled idly in his hand.

“I… How did you know I was…” Sebastian blinked stupidly, dumbfounded by his friend’s nonchalance.

“I know you don’t listen to me sometimes, dude!” Sam chortled, “I just kinda talk to myself sometimes, when I notice you ignoring me. I figure you need a little space and I might as well not bug ya!” He smiled, not nearly as infuriatingly this time, bumping a shoulder against Sebastian’s. “So? Farmer girl? Kinda tall, red hair, really nice?”

Sebastian gingerly took his headphone back, opting now to take them off completely. He thought for a moment, trying to remember what the new girl looked like. She was definitely taller than the other women in town, with frizzy red hair and a loud laugh. He had only paid her a passing glance when she came to ask his mom for advice on building a chest.

“I haven’t really said anything to her, no. She was in my house. I think her and my mom are chill, or something.” He held the door to the saloon open for Sam, who trotted in with a thankful nod. “Mom said we’d make good friends, but she says that about everyone…”

They approached the pool table, opting to play a practice round until Abigail showed up. Sam strode to the Joja Cola machine, hips bopping gently to the beat of the music drifting in from the old jukebox near the bar.

“Oh yeah, hey! The new girl likes Joja Cola, too! I’m not the only one any more.” Sam said, setting the can on the wooden edge of the pool table. Sebastian mumbled noncommittally, too focused on lining up his shot to care about who likes what shitty garbage soda. As he moved to hit the cue ball, the door to the saloon opened, startling him and causing the white ball to spiral aimlessly around until it hit uselessly against the side of the table. Sebastian swore under his breath, standing up abruptly and tossing Sam the one single cue stick that the saloon had. 

“If that was Abi coming in I’m gonna punch her shit.” Sebastian hissed, falling back into the nearby couch. “Fuckin’ up my perfect shot. Typical Abi.”

Sam snorted, opening his mouth to say something equally sarcastic, but stopped. 

“It wasn’t Abi, dude,” he snickered. “It was the farm girl.” 

Sebastian groaned, following Sam’s gaze to a wide figure clad all in black in the saloon’s bar area. She was eagerly chatting with Shane, who looked ready to keel over. 

“Jesus, kinda sailing close to the wind, isn’t she?” Sam chuckled, turning back to the pool table. “Pretty sure Shane isn’t an eager welcome wagon.”

Sebastian shrugged, gaze still locked on the unfamiliar figure. She looked hurt suddenly, smile fading off of her round face. She looked around, hands grasping at something around her neck, and skittered towards them.

“Hey! Uh, Sam, right? I’m just gonna, uh--”

“Say no more!” Sam chirped, slapping a hand on the shaking girl’s back. “Shane is a nice guy deep down, but I get how he can be a little off-putting. You can hang with us!” 

Sebastian’s eyebrows shot up. He curled a lip at the blond, earning an apologetic glance. He didn’t like new people. Or change. Or social situations. Or--

“You met Sebastian, right?”

OR THAT.

“Uh, no! I mean, I know you’re Robin’s son, but… yeah. Hi! I’m Ash.” She smiled nervously, wiping at her cheeks. Was she crying?  _ Jesus, she’s even worse than I am. _

“... Sebastian.” He mumbled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Crying made him really, really uncomfortable. “Of all places, you chose Pelican Town?” 

She blinked up at him with big, watery blue eyes and oh god Sebastian what the fuck, you don’t say that to a girl who’s crying, jesus christ clearly she’s sensitive--

“I’d rather be here than Zuzu. I actually like farming!” Ash said finally. “I don’t usually like doing manual labor-- SHOCKING, I know, but I really like being my own boss and whatnot!” She held her own arms, looking away shyly. Why the fuck did she have so much blush on? Or was it the light-

“Sebastian is his own boss too!” Sam chimed in, earning a hard cringe from Seb. “He does, like, computer stuff! It’s cool!” 

Sebastian swallowed the onslaught of snarky retorts that came to mind.  _ It’s not computer stuff,  _ **_Sam_ ** _ , it’s programming. It’s not cool,  _ **_Sam_ ** _ , I’m mediocre at best and I can hardly be called a boss at all.  _

“I do… Programming. Like, myself. Freelancing.” 

Ash’s eyes lit up, hands now in excited little fists in front of her chest. Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“I used to wanna do freelance work! Writing, actually!” She bounced on her heels. He bit back an amused snort. The redhead looked incredibly strange- childish in her mannerisms but with all-too dramatic makeup on. It was kinda cute--

Sebastian blinked, scowling at the thought. Sam was talking to her now, but he’d stopped listening. He watched instead, trying to read the farmer’s personality. She carried herself with a confident, almost haughty air, but her wide eyes betrayed her. She seemed mouseish in her mannerisms. There was something about her, Sebastian thought. Conflict. Like she didn’t know whether to wear bright lipstick and colorful boots or dramatic eyeliner and fishnets, so she did both and looked like a paradox on legs. Long, pale legs--

“Sorry I’m late!” Abigail’s voice startled Sebastian from his thoughts. He had to tilt his head up to watch her enter the room and, upon realizing this, prayed silently that he hadn’t actually just been  _ staring _ at Ash’s fucking legs.

“My dad was making me stock the shelves and it took FOREVER,” Abi whined, letting herself fall dramatically to the couch. “Probably because a certain  _ farmer _ bought damn near half our supply of potato seeds.” She winked up at Ash, who was making her way to the couch herself. Had everyone in town met her before Sebastian had?

He shook his head, turning back to Sam while the girls chattered amongst themselves. The blond was staring intently at the pool table. Sebastian snorted, envisioning the gears in Sam’s head slowly turning as he tried to think of a good shot. He found his thoughts racing again, as they always did when he had even a second to himself without distraction. He shifted his pose a few times, then stopped when he thought that probably looked strange as well. Finally he settled for looking at his surroundings. Sam was bent halfway over the pool table now, tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth as he poured all of his focus into lining up the cue stick. Abigail sat with her legs crossed, turned towards Ash, who looked all-too intrigued with Abigail’s rant about… _ clear quartz _ ? 

Sebastian raised a brow, opting now to focus on the conversation to his left. Abi was talking about the medicinal benefits of quartz and  _ oh my god Abi no, that’s all so fucking fake and no one in Pelican Town believes in that shit except for you and Emily, _ but somehow Ash looked  _ incredibly _ interested. Her blue eyes lit up like a child’s, she leaned forward and nodded eagerly, and-- oh.

_ She has a thing for Abi. _

Sebastian found his chest aching a little. He blinked a few times, internally cursing himself for having  _ feelings _ , before looking away just to catch a glimpse of Sam knocking the cue ball straight into his nearby can of Joja Cola.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I headcanon that Seb swears a lot I'm sorry if that makes anyone uncomf! I take a lot of (educated!) liberties w the fine details of his personality since we don't see him too intimately in-game. C: Blease leave me a comment if you like-- constructive critique is accepted! You can also dm me on tumblr @ temp3sts if you want OwO


	3. 2 - Tranquility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is moreso here to solidify Ash's personality-- and also to add some backstory and introduce Pickles! ^_^ If anyone has any ideas for what they may wanna see in future chapters let me know; this is a work in progress!

Ash’s hips swayed in time with the music playing loudly from her phone as she lit a cream-colored candle. Her first week in Pelican Town was, in her eyes, a huge success, and it was time to treat herself. 

She’d spent the morning scrubbing down the old clawfoot tub in her cabin’s bathroom, ridding it of its residual layers of mold, grime, and other unmentionable nastiness that had been left behind during her first haphazard cleaning session upon her arrival. The porcelain now shone a bright off-white, bearing only a few unsightly paint chips upon its otherwise flawless exterior. Satisfied with her work, Ash tossed her cleaning supplies into the bathroom closet and scampered to her bedroom to retrieve some clean pajamas. 

She gave her cat a quick scratch under the chin as she passed by, earning a satisfied  _ mprrrrt _ from the lanky tom. A woman by the name of Marnie had brought him by on Friday morning, and Ash, immediately flooded with guilt at the thought of the pets she’d been forced to leave behind before moving to Zuzu City, graciously accepted. She’d grown quite lonely in her days at the farm before the cat’s arrival. Despite  _ immediately  _ batting a perfectly good jar of pickles off her kitchen counter upon his arrival, the tabby cat had been a perfect gentleman. Plus, it gave Ash an excuse to name him Pickles, which arguably made the rowdy young cat even cuter than he already was. 

Plucking a black bralette and some panties from a still-unpacked box of clothes, Ash made her way back to the bathroom to find Pickles now lounging on top of the toilet. He peered up at her through squinted eyes, black pupils like a little crack in the jasper of his eyes. 

“I suppose you’ll be joining me, you smug little shit” Ash chuckled, stooping down to kiss the cat’s soft forehead. “My stinky bastard man!” 

A purr rumbled deep within Pickles’ throat, sending another wave of guilt to wash over Ash. She sighed, standing up abruptly and retrieving a small bottle from her pocket. 

_ Shocking that they even sell liquor in a town like this  _ Ash thought, unscrewing the cap and taking a sip. She cringed as the liquor burned a path from her mouth to her stomach, setting everything in its way aflame with warm, cinnamony comfort. Ash shuddered, capping the bottle and taking a bath bomb from a little jar placed atop her medicine cabinet. 

—————————————————————

“D’you think I’m gonna make it out here, Pickles?” Ash asked nonchalantly, waving her second, half-empty bottle of cinnamon whiskey in the tomcat’s general direction. He  _ mmmrept _ ed in response, tail swishing softly in amusement. The redhead nodded as if she’d completely understood him. She sunk a little further down into the warm, lavender-colored water, allowing it to envelop her like a sandalwood scented swaddle. 

“Dn’ lemme fall asleep in’ere, mmkay Pickles?” She said dutifully, once more pointing the bottle in his direction before taking another swig. “Else I’mna die an’ then you’ll have t’eat my gross, waterlogged corpse.”

Pickles blinked. 

—————————————————————

Ash sighed happily, breathing in the scent of the sage incense that burned on the edge of her side table. There was no one here to judge her for playing her music, no one here to catch her parading around in little more than her underwear, and no one who would make her feel unsafe while she meditated by her altar. 

She took another deep breath, negative energy practically draining from her with each exhale. She gripped her clear quartz, running her fingers over its rough texture while her mind lost itself in the soothing sound of Celtic flute music. She set the quartz down, leaning forward to blow out her four altar candles. 

“In my future I hope for… Success. On the farm, I mean.” She blew out the candle closest to her. 

“And… Good health for me and Pickles!” She blew out the one on her right. 

“Thirdly I hope for.. Um, a clearer mental state as I become closer with the earth.” Then the candle furthest from her. 

“Finally I hope for…” Her thoughts immediately wandered back to her evening at the saloon on Friday, and how she had hoped to get to know the people she’d spoken to more.

“I hope for friendship and love in my future.”


	4. 3 - AEnema

Why the actual _ fuck _ was Maru already working?

Sebastian’s eyes popped open at the sound of metal against metal, the distant, torturous clanking making him cringe. He pulled his blanket over his head with a loud, dramatic groan. Who the fuck has the energy to build a goddamn  _ robot  _ at ten in the morning?

With a final anguished whine, Sebastian hauled himself out of the comfort of his bed and trudged out the basement door, snatching a pack of cigarettes from his table as he went.

“Sebby!” Came his mother’s too-cheery voice. He cringed at her feigned shock, already knowing the next words that would come from her mouth. “You’re up early!” He mocked her under his breath as he fumbled with his lighter. 

“Not by choice.” His fingers finally found the little black object within the depths of his pocket. He let the door shut a little harder than he had meant to, but it barely even crossed his mind. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ Some say the end is near _

_ Some say we’ll see Armageddon soon. _

Sebastian leaned against a tall pine tree, thick, dark smoke falling lazily past his lips. The lake moved slowly today, water barely even rippling underneath the wind’s soft graze. 

_ Certainly hope we will _

A squirrel darted out from a bush and up a nearby tree, sending a maple seed to spin delicately to the ground. He thought about the maple seed, and how it might someday grow into another towering tree for a curious squirrel to hop into. He contemplated this idea for just another moment, a calm sense of ease washing over him, until a loud  _ thunk _ echoed through the nearby cave entrance. 

_ I sure could use a vacation from _

__ Ash hurriedly stumbled out of the cave’s gaping maw, rucksack heavy with god knows what and knees bloodied from whatever the fuck.

_ This bullshit three ring circus sideshow. _

Sebastian sighed, pressing a finger to his temple. That one single second of peace sure was nice. He watched the redhead bound to the cave’s neighboring little shack, quirking a brow when she was able to enter with ease. Sam and Abigail had tried to get into the building, but with no luck, as they weren’t good enough for the two old bags that ran the place, apparently. Something about slimes and swords. He took another languid drag from his cigarette, fingers tapping absently to the beat of the music blasting from his phone.  _ Probably should get some more headphones before the speakers blow out, _ he thought, remembering how his last pair had shorted from being tangled in his pocket. He cursed himself for not being more careful and for not learning from the seven previous pairs of shitty Joja-brand headphones he’d bought in the last year. 

Sebastian looked up just in time to meet eyes with Ash, who was now scampering down the path towards his house. He grit his teeth, turning away quickly in hopes that she wouldn’t approach him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t stand her, it was just that she wasn’t familiar enough and he couldn’t trust her yet and he hated talking to people and it took him longer than it should to figure out how to react in social situations and--

“Hey Sebastian!” FUCK.

He turned just in time to see Ash toss her backpack with a hideous cacophony of various tools and stones all hitting the hard dirt ground at once. Sebastian inhaled sharply, internally begging himself not to snap on this poor, sensitive girl when she was clearly just trying to make friends. She sat cross-legged in front of him, digging eagerly through her overstuffed backpack and retrieving a lime green stone. 

“I found something I figured you might like in the caves just now!” She chirped, handing it to him with a smile. Sebastian inspected the oddly star-shaped gem closely, raising a curious brow at the sight. He looked up at her suspiciously, causing her smile to fade. “Uh, it’s called a jamborite! I thought… I dunno, I guess I figured you would like it?”

Sebastian blinked, obviously unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to seem ungrateful, but he had no real use for the little rock. He forced an obviously unconvincing smile and pocketed the item.

“It’s cool. Thanks. I think Abi likes shit like this too, doesn’t she?” He twitched a little at her crestfallen smile, resisting the urge to punch himself in the face for being a fucking idiot.  _ Why can’t you just take a gift like a normal person? _

“Yeah, I think she does. I’ll give her one too. Thanks, Seb. I’ll see you around.” Ash gathered herself from the forest floor and slung her backpack over her shoulder again. Judging by the fact that she took the path to her farm instead of the town square, Sebastian figured she probably didn’t have anything to give Abi. Or anyone else but him.

_ Yeah, time to bring it down again _

_ Yeah, don't just call me pessimist _

__ For the first time in awhile, Sebastian lit a third cigarette after his second burnt out. He found himself too tense, too wound up and too down on himself to go back in the house and face ridicule for going straight to his room, or for wearing a hoodie on a warm spring day, or for whatever the fuck else Robin and Demetrius didn’t absolutely adore about him. Whatever he did that Maru wouldn’t do. 

_ Try and read between the lines _

_ And I can't imagine why you wouldn't _

_ Welcome any change, my friend _

The nicotine hit him a little too hard and when he stood up, he felt like vomiting and passing out and screaming all at once. 

_ I want to see it come down _

He kicked a rock as hard as he could into a bush, steadying himself on the side of his house. He knew damn good and well he was spiraling again but he just didn’t care. 

_ Bring it down _

The door opened a little too fast and he almost hit Maru square in the face but  _ fuck _ he didn’t  _ care _ , he just wanted to disappear or sleep forever or wake up tomorrow as someone who could feel things and speak normally and go five minutes without thinking about how much he hated himself. 

_ Suck it down _

Sebastian yanked his hoodie off as quickly as he could with the room spinning around him, tossing it and sending his phone and cigarettes falling to the ground with it, and landed face first on the bed. In that moment he wished he too could wake up early to work, to do a job that people recognized and that didn’t require explanation, or that he could be generous and tender and that he could actually smile. 

_ Flush it down _

He wanted to die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was loosely based off my first interaction with Seb! I wasnt yet sure how gifting in SDV worked so I gave him the first cool rock I found in the mines, LMAO. He didn't like it. ;P Also Sebastian is 100% a Tool stan. Also I modeled his emotional spiraling after my own so if its confusing or seems sudden pls try to remember I hc him as being mentally ill <3


	5. 4- Silo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash buys a silo. She also finds an unlikely friend in Robin.

By the midpoint of spring, Scarlet Farm was really starting to come together. Ash had cleared about half of the trees (mostly the hideous pines) from the property, stowing the wood safely in a chest next to the fireplace. She’d managed to break all the small boulders littering the farmland, along with the fibrous weeds that sprouted in patches here and there. It dawned upon her, though, that she would need a silo to store hay once she’d cut the seemingly endless patches of grass. 

She felt a pain in her chest for just a moment at the recollection of that previous Monday’s events. The scene replayed over and over in her head, how Sebastian had hated her gift, how he’d suggested she give all her other findings to someone else. It made her stomach churn and her heart ache to think about how she was already making an idiot of herself after barely two weeks in Pelican Town. She wished briefly that she could get away with never asking Robin for a favor again. 

Ash let out a sigh, snatching a Redbull from the mini fridge near her bed (while silently cursing her grandpa for never building a goddamn kitchen) and popping her morning pills into her mouth. She peeked out the window to check on her crops, all of which were near ready for harvest. Snatching a watering can from its place next to the front door, Ash headed out, as she did every morning before that. 

Every morning Ash had banana bread and a glass of milk for breakfast, then downed a blueberry Redbull while watering her crops and feeding Pickles. On days where the spirits were happy, she fished or mined. If the spirits were upset, she collected resources from her farm and neighboring land until it was time to head to the saloon for lunch. She’d then chat with the locals and run errands until it was time for dinner. After that she’d divide up what she’d gathered that day and either keep it or sell it. Then she slept until it was time to repeat the process over. Today, however, she needed a silo. This meant she would have to break her routine, which she did not like to do. With a backpack full of wood and a pocket full of cash, she began the trek to Robin’s shop. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Ash!” Robin’s cheery voice rang in time with the bell above the shop door. “Need something built?” 

Ash grinned cheekily, tossing her backpack up onto the counter. Robin lit up at the sight. She had been gently prodding Ash for a building project since the day she moved in, and the younger woman was happy to finally be able to give her one.

“I need a silo! There’s so much grass on my farm I can hardly walk around” Ash stated, sliding 100g across the counter. “I got your wood, your stone, and the money to cover the job… And I’ll make you lunch when you’re working, assuming you eat poor people food.” 

Robin laughed, that genuine kind of laugh that makes your eyes squint from how hard you smile, and Ash felt a little bit of her self-doubt melt away. The ginger woman quickly counted the materials in front of her, clapping her hands together suddenly when she was done.

“I’ll have it ready in a couple days! And I’ll eat just about anything except horseradish. Or carp. But I doubt you’d ever cook something like that!” She smiled again and Ash found herself smiling along with her, though she didn’t know why. A lot of people in Pelican Town had that effect on her. Infectious happiness, as if the light in their soul could, if only for a moment, reach out and turn her light on as well. Not all of them were happy, though, as to be expected. Shane scared her half to death upon their first meeting, and George reminded her all too much of her clientele from her retail days. Not to mention  _ somebody _ who was too miserable to accept a fucking gift properly. 

“Mom, do you need anything from the store?”

Speak of the fucking devil.

He stopped in his tracks at the sight of Ash, and fuck, was that  _ panic _ in his eyes? She softened her expression as best as she could though, frankly, Sebastian was  _ not _ the one she wanted to see right now. 

“I think Maru needs some more D batteries, if you don’t mind. And greet our guest, will you?” Robin scolded, earning a stifled chuckle from Ash. “She just bought a silo!”

Sebastian fiddled with the cigarette in his hand for a second, as if thinking of something  _ not _ shitty to say.

“...Congrats on the silo.” He said finally, never meeting Ash’s firey gaze. She opened her mouth to bite back, but he was already out the door. Her jaw clenched and her blood began to boil, a tension headache stirring near the back of her neck, until Robin’s dejected sigh snapped her out of it.

“You’ll have to excuse my son, he’s… Not a happy kid.” Her dark eyes wandered a bit. “He doesn’t like change much. I’m sure you know already that my husband isn’t his father… I think our split really affected Sebby. He was such a happy child, too. ”

Ash blinked stupidly at her, searching for something to say. She’d always considered Robin and her to be close, but more like “coffee and casual gossip” close, rather than this. She swallowed thickly, her stomach now in knots.

“I uh… I understand. Having a broken family is rough. I probably came off a little strong too, considering I didn’t really know he had issues as well.” She cringed immediately at her use of the words “as well”, thus opening up her mental stability as a topic of debate. Seeing no way for this conversation to end well, Ash put on her most convincing smile. “Well hey, I’m serious about lunch! When you’re on my farm, you’re family… Kinda like Olive Garden except I don’t have a fuckin’ kitchen.” 

Just like that Robin was laughing again, sending a wave of relief over Ash.  _ You can’t fuck things up here too, idiot! _ She thought, waving a quick goodbye to Robin before hurrying out the door.  _ This farm is your last fucking hope. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apparently only post when Im drunk. Ash has some secrets huh?


	6. 5 - Dance D'amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian attends the Flower Dance. He makes an ass of himself.

Whoever thought of the Flower Dance, honest to god, needed to drop dead.

Sebastian fucked with his bowtie for what had to have been the hundredth time that morning, still unsatisfied with the way it scratched against his throat if he turned his head a certain way. Every year he tried to back out of the dance, feigning illness or a busy workload to convince his mom to let him stay home. Every year she bitched his ear off until he agreed, last-minute, to attend. 

Scoping the area to get his mind off things, Sebastian noticed Haley “practicing” her dance moves again, which pretty much involved her wandering aimlessly around an open area of the field. Closer to the edge stood Leah, who looked like she’d rather take out a pole and start fishing than dance. Abigail and Sam had begun to argue about  _ Journey of the Prairie King _ beside him, which would be a lot more interesting if they didn’t have this conversation every other week. Near the punch table stood Ash and Shane, who seemed to be getting on a lot better since their encounter in the saloon. Sebastian curled his lip at the sight. How the hell did she manage to tame  _ Shane? _

“... And then she lays her egg right on the hay I’d laid out for her! Isn’t that the silliest thing you’ve ever heard?” Ash was saying, obviously indifferent to Shane’s stoic expression.  _ How did she make friends with everyone so easily? _

Sebastian realized he had never really seen Ash without a gift for someone in her hands. After their incident by the lake, she’d given Sam a Joja Cola because “the machine spat out two when she asked for one” (though he had seen her pay for both of them). On Shane’s birthday she had bought him a beer, which was probably why Shane could tolerate her now. She’d even given George a leek while passing by one day, as if it were a normal thing to do. 

Looking back up at the redheaded farmer, Sebastian noticed that Ash’s expression had changed. She looked a little like Dusty after Alex scolded him for eating his shoes-- heartbroken but still smiling stupidly. Ash gave Shane a parting nod and smile, and shuffled to a corner of the forest near Mayor Lewis, who was hastily shepherding all of the participating women into a little changing booth. Sebastian quirked a brow when he shut the door, leaving Ash to awkwardly look at her phone. Had nobody asked to be her dance partner?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Flower Dance was, although akin to eating glass, quite short. Sebastian stole glances at the farmer, who looked wistfully at the group of dancers like a bridesmaid during a wedding ceremony. She applauded much less enthusiastically than the others, but it was easy to tell she was trying her best. 

In a moment of sudden confidence, Sebastian strode over to her once the applause had died down.

“Hey, Seb!” Aaaaaand his confidence was gone.

“So, uh, you didn’t wanna participate?” He said stupidly. “I mean, I don’t blame you, but at the same time you seem like the type to like weird traditions.”

Ash forced a laugh, her sad eyes sending a pang of guilt straight through Sebastian’s heart.  _ Clearly she  _ **_did_ ** _ want to participate, _ Sebastian thought, trying not to cringe.  _ Why the fuck would you open with that? _

“I mean, I did, but I knew you and Abi were dancing together, and I guess Shane still hasn’t warmed up to me yet,” She took a sip of her drink. “I fuckin’ love that guy though! He’s literally me when I worked retail.” 

Judging by the fact that her breath and cup smelled like booze, that probably wasn’t the only reason she favored Shane.

“I think you’re the only one that feels that way about Shane,” Sebastian chuckled, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “But… Go off I guess.”

Ash pouted, looking up at him past delicate false eyelashes. 

“People just need to give him a chance! He’s a good guy, deep down. He just has lots and lots and  _ lots  _ of layers to bust through before you get there.”

Sebastian simply huffed in response, trying to ignore the weird feeling in his stomach. It twisted into knots and felt full of bile and _ was he  _ **_jealous?_ **

Desperate to shake the thought, Sebastian reached up suddenly and yanked his bowtie off, clearly startling the farmer. The corners of her red lips turned up in a smile.

“You know, next year you should help me coordinate your outfit a little better.” Ash said, sipping at her (suspiciously vodka-scented) punch again.

“Excuse me?”

“You know, to make it less stuffy? I get Lewis wants everyone to wear the same thing, but you can still make it yours.” She took the bowtie from his hands, sending his heart straight into his throat as her fingers brushed his, and examined it. 

“We can have you wear a black tie next year, maybe even some different shoes. Maybe stitch a band logo into the suit to really shake things up!” Ash’s eyes lit up and holy shit were they always that big and blue--

“I uh. I don’t know if that will fly with Lewis.” Sebastian stammered, taking the bow back and pocketing it. “The uh, the stitch thing. The tie and shoes though, yeah, sure. Sounds good. I’m gonna, uh--” He took a couple steps back. “I’m gonna go work on… A program. For a customer-- FUCK.” 

Ash rushed to his side as he tripped again, this time over Alex’s discarded dress shoes. He shot a glare at the brunet, who had apparently changed into sneakers right after the dance. 

“You good, dude? You’re all red.”  _ WHY WAS SHE HOLDING HIM? _

Sebastian stood, eyes wide as he realized she’d caught him mid-fall. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, searching for a comprehensive sentence in his mind like a blindfolded child trying to find a needle in a haystack, except his brain was a pile of needles and a fucking coherent thought was a single strand of hay--

“Thanks.” He choked finally, turning around and walking as fast as he could without seeming like he was running. He ignored his family calling for him to come back, the festival isn’t over yet, you should at least say goodbye to everybody--

There was no way in hell he was staying any longer. Not after embarrassing himself in front of Pelican Town’s sweetheart, not after talking to her about fucking  _ Shane _ of all people, the only person in town who was more miserable than himself and yet the farmer had asked  _ him  _ to dance and not Sebastian--

“Why the fuck does that matter?!” He hissed under his breath, kicking a trash can onto its side as he passed the saloon.  _ And more importantly, why can’t a girl touch your hand without you losing your shit?  _

__ He really, really needed a cigarette right now, but his stupid suit didn’t have big enough pockets so he left them at home instead of tucking one behind his ear like a smart, refined nicotine addict would have.  _ There’s only four left in the pack at home anyway, _ he reasoned with himself, _ I might as well just get some and smoke on the way home. _

__ With a defeated sigh, Sebastian turned the corner to JojaMart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting......... spicie. ,':^)


	7. 6 - Scared to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash needs an AC unit. Sebastian needs answers. Ash needs a drink.

Ash woke up on the first day of summer to a broken fan and a bedsheet full of sweat.

“I’d say I hope my grandpa is burning in hell for not installing an AC unit in this place,” Ash grumbled to Pickles, who had made a comfortable spot for himself on top of the mini fridge. “But the old fucker would probably find that pleasurable.” 

Opting to (begrudgingly) abandon her morning routine to make the long trek to Robin’s once again, Ash threw on her most sweat-proof makeup (which consisted of little more than mascara and strategically placed highlighter) and her most heat-friendly-while-still-being-fully-clothed outfit (which consisted of little more than a camisole and Nike shorts). 

“Hold down the fortress while I’m gone.” She muttered in Pickles’ general direction, toting an already-sweating can of Redbull and a clutch purse. The logical side of her knew that she may not be able to make the trip on taurine and fury alone, but her feral instincts assured her that the tasty awakeness juice was, in fact, better for her current situation than water. 

She tripped on a pine tree branch on the way and wondered if her feral instincts were actually to be trusted. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey! Need an upgra--” Robin’s usual shtick fell flat at the sight of a rather mangled Ash, who merely grunted in response.

“AC unit. Don’t care how much or where you put it, just need it  _ now. _ ” Ash hissed, slumping against the counter. Robin gave her a pat on the head, but reeled back in disgust when her hand came back soaked in sweat and red hair dye.

“Jesus-- okay, sure! I can have that ready by the morning after next--”

Ash made a noise akin to a dying baby bear. “ _ Sooner? _ ” She pressed, slapping a 100g bill on the counter as if it would entice Robin to work faster.

“I’m afraid that’s as soon as I can manage, sweet pea.” Robin soothed, opting to instead pat Ash’s sweat-slicked tank top. “I’m sure Sebby won’t mind if you hang around in his room until you can walk back home, though. He always has his unit on full blast.” 

Ash looked up at her, wiping some of the melted mascara from beneath her eyes. She didn’t particularly love the idea of chilling with Sebastian after their encounter at the Flower Dance, but unfortunately for the both of them she was out of Redbull and fucks to give. 

“... Thanks for everything. You’re cool. I’m gonna die in your basement now.” 

She stood on wobbly, aching legs, sliding her bank card in Robin’s general direction and mumbling something along the lines of “take what you need”, before stumbling down the basement stairs and practically tumbling into Sebastian’s room.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“FUCKIN’ SHIT-- oh.” Sebastian quirked an eyebrow at the sentient pile of garbage that had barreled through his door, watching as she attempted to fluff up her dark red hair.

“Robin said your room was cold. Please take me in so I don’t die.” Ash said flatly, taking a seat on the black couch near his door. Sebastian let out an amused huff, turning his attention back to the screen in front of him.

“Gimme a sec. Just stay there.” 

The redhead let her body sink into the soft couch, eyes fluttering shut as she listened to the idle tapping of keys coming from Sebastian’s corner of the room.

“Okay.. There. Sorry about that.” He said finally. “I just needed to finish what I was working on.”

“Which was?”

“Something for a customer. Biggest project I’ve had in awhile, but I’m having fun.”

Ash was about to inquire further when a high-pitched noise came from the computer.

“...That was Sam. He wants to hang out.” Sebastian cast his glance to the side, a sudden nervousness in his eyes. “I wasn’t planning on going out today.”

Ash smiled sympathetically. It was clear that Sebastian had some issues with social situations, which she could easily relate to, but she felt like the last thing he wanted was pity from her. The door opened again, shaking them both from their thoughts.

“Sebby, I was heading out for some supplies for Ash’s AC unit and I ran into Abigail. She was looking for you. I told her you were working, but she said she’d come around anyway.” 

The ginger woman handed Ash her bank card back. They smiled casually at each other, and Robin exited, leaving Ash with a very flustered looking Sebastian.

“No one takes my job seriously.” He began, drawing a cigarette from its pack. “Nobody bugs Maru when she works. What’s she doing that’s more important than what I do?”

Ash cringed as he lit the cigarette, opting not to say anything seeing as she had intruded on him. She stared at her feet awkwardly for a moment, trying to ignore her fast-beating heart as she scrambled for a way to break the tension.

“So… Um… What do you wanna do with the whole programming thing?” She said finally, voice tinged with nervousness. Sebastian looked back up at her, his gaze softening at her clear uneasiness.

“I’m saving up so I can move. Probably to the city or something.” He leaned back in his chair, taking a long drag from his cigarette. Ash continued to stare down at her feet. Sebastian watched her for a moment. 

“Y’know, had I gone to college like you, I’d probably be making six figures right now.”

Ash huffed, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“Yeah, like I’m anything to compare yourself to. I went from losing brain cells in an office all day to breaking my back on a farm I inherited. College doesn’t define success, you just need to be lucky and find opportunities.”

Sebastian leaned forward on his elbows, resting his chin in his hands. Ash smiled sheepishly.

“Maybe I feel more comfortable losing brain cells behind my computer than I do getting those opportunities face-to-face.”

Ash’s heartbeat quickened again. She was becoming painfully aware of the fact that she looked a mess, her hair flat and her makeup runny with sweat. Not exactly the look she’d have gone for if she had known today would be the first time Sebastian really,  _ really _ looked at her. 

Looking back up at him finally, Ash let out a simple, stupid little chuckle in response. Had his eyes always been that deep of a brown?

“I better get back to work.” Sebastian said, shaking Ash from her thoughts. “Gotta get this finished by tomorrow.”

She blinked, now painfully aware of the fact that she’d probably missed her chance to say something enticing or smart to leave him with. 

“Well… Have fun!”  _ JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. _

__ “Wait.” 

Ash stopped mid-stand, staring wide-eyed at a now somber Sebastian. He paused for a few moments, clearly trying to work out what exactly he was trying to say. He inhaled deeply, hands pressed together in front of his face.

“Areyouandabidating”

“ _ What? _ ’

“ _ Are you and Abi dating? _ ” 

Ash blinked, eyes damn near close to bugging out of her head. Where the actual fuck had he gotten that idea?! 

“No!”  _ Shit, did that sound too desperate? _

“... Oh.”  _ Was that all he was gonna say?!  _ “I dunno, I guess I mistook you guys’ interactions for flirting. My bad.”  _ What the fuck did that mean? Was he asking for Abigail or for himself?! _

__ “... I’ll leave you to your work.”  _ NOW HE’S GONNA THINK YOU’RE MAD AT HIM YOU STUPID FUCK-- _

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ _ Fan. _ ” 

“Excuse me?”   
“ **_FAN._ ** ” 

Pierre blinked at his mascara-streaked customer, unable to peel his eyes away from her tear-stained trainwreck of a face.

“...Aisle three.” He said finally. Ash muttered a quick thanks, sulking to the little section of the home goods aisle that had… Nothing but one measly desk fan left. 

Luckily Pierre, after having a wife and a daughter, was smart enough to not inquire as to why Ash was crying as she purchased her little white desk fan. Living in a small town, though, he was not smart enough to keep his mouth shut about it after Ash left the store with her fan and hastily-bought six-pack of hard lemonade. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAAAAAT TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE WEEK?! :O Im celebrating the conclusion of chapter 10-- the chapter that's eluded me for about a year now! I'm so excited to finally move on from it and begin writing new content. Chapter 10 was a doozy and it wont seem like it upon reading, but it really stumped me for a long long time! So enjoy this bonus chapter as celebration!


	8. 7 - Hey Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian begins to find the darkest corners of his mind. Ones he never knew existed. He also cannot flirt.

Sebastian had decided that the Luau was, in fact, the most tedious and boring of all of Pelican Town’s festivities.

Sure the Flower Dance was anxiety inducing and useless, but at least it was short. The Luau seemed to drag on, the only ”exciting” part being when the governor tasted the communal soup and, ultimately, decided it was awful. Usually due to Sebastian or Sam.

He cast his gaze out to the rest of the festival-goers, some who looked about as miserable as he did. Shane was not-so casually pouring something from up his sleeve into his cup, a step up from Pam, who unabashedly sipped from a bottle of hard cider. Abigail looked pretty down as well. Something about not wanting to socialize. 

“How much for me to chuck a few cigarette butts into the pot?” Sebastian said in a poor attempt to lift her mood, jerking a thumb at the large cauldron. Abigail wrinkled her nose. 

“Don’t you dare! What if Vincent or Jas eat it?”

Sam rolled his eyes, bumping his shoulder against Abigail’s.

“I don’t know if we’ll have to add anything. The farmer just put in, like, twenty hot peppers!”

The group turned to see Ash striding casually over to them, a large, round pair of sunglasses obstructing the better part of her face. She carried a now empty basket on her hip.

“The fuck are you all lookin’ at?” She called from across the dock, smiling her cheek-to-cheek, toothy smile.

“Normally we’re the ones who fuck up the soup pot. Kudos!” Abigail bumped her fist against Ash’s shoulder, earning an amused huff from the redhead.

“I didn’t fuck it up! Shane was telling me earlier that the soup is always hella bland, so I thought I’d make it tolerable,” she moved her sunglasses to rest atop her head, squinting a bit as the sun penetrated her light eyes. “Unless all you pasty bitches can’t handle a little spice.”

This earned a few chuckles of approval from the group, and Sebastian saw a hint of giddiness in her eyes. He wondered if she had any friends outside of the valley, seeing as she was eager (perhaps “desperate” was a better term) to befriend anyone who would let her. Something about the dark circles under her eyes and the way her voice shook if someone didn’t absolutely adore her told him she probably didn’t.

He also wondered why she dressed up so nicely for all of these stupid festivals.

She wore a casual black dress with a plunging neckline, the kind that had criss-crossed straps across the chest. Alongside her usual pentacle necklace (which he only knew the significance of from Abi) she wore a simple choker, and some wedge sandals that probably made her walk to the beach a hundred times harder. Overall not flashy, per se, but she definitely stood out considering nobody else ever bothered to dress up. He decided it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, though, because the dress showed off her curves nicely and—

“Looking for something?”

Sebastian’s eyes shot up, staring wide-eyed at her coy smile and half-lidded eyes. His heart made its home in his throat, making it hard to swallow.

“I--” He choked, blinking stupidly. “... I wanted to know if you had a horse. Kinda sucks if you walked here in sandals.”

She raised a brow at him, playful smile fading into a look of what could only be described as a hellish mix of disappointment, pity, and disgust.

“No. I can walk in these just fine.” Ash cast her unimpressed gaze to the side for a moment, leaving Sebastian to flounder by himself before clearing her throat. “What exactly is this tradition for? I don’t know if I trust that soup. No offense.”  _ When the fuck had she become so goddamn haughty? _

__ Before anyone else could explain, Sam began to prattle on about the Luau and his own antics that had landed him a season full of community service hours after work. Ash listened intently, still holding herself with a seemingly newfound confidence. A stark contrast from her usual shyness. Peeling his eyes away from her, Sebastian made the mistake of catching Abigail’s gaze. 

“ _ What? _ ” He mouthed, curling his lip at her smug expression. Abigail giggled, flashing him a knowing grin and a quick look in Ash’s general direction. Sebastian bit back a dramatic groan, instead opting to rub his temples, feeling a headache coming on at the sound of his phone buzzing in his pocket.

**You like herrr ;3**

_ It isn’t like that. _

**_I call bs lol I think she likes u too tho!!_ **

Sebastian blinked at the screen, his thoughts suddenly turning to static. He was interrupted by another text.

**Tell her she looks nice or I’m gonna tell her abt the time I caught u tryin to suck ur own dick LMAO**

He shot Abi another wide-eyed stare, knowing damn good and well she was serious. Abigail was, if anything, a woman of her word, even if this meant mortifying her best friends. He exhaled dramatically, leaving Abi to put her phone away triumphantly. Damn her for knowing him so well.

“Hey, Ash..” he trailed off, freezing up as soon as her icy (but somehow also sultry?) gaze met his. The summer breeze swept her deep red hair away from her face, revealing a large cut that started on the side of her forehead and disappeared beneath the sea of crimson. He stared at it for a split second too long, eliciting an annoyed huff from Ash.

“So, uh, what’s with the gash on your face?”

Abigail made no attempt to hide the sound of her palm smacking against her forehead.

“I got it in the mines. I was switching my axe out for my sword a little too fast and… Well.” Ash gestured lazily to the wound, which still stood out against her ivory flesh despite the makeup she’d put over it. Abigail’s eyes shot from Sebastian to Ash, her look of disgust swapped for that of an eager child.

“You go in the mines?! With a  _ sword? _ ” Abigail clutched Ash’s arm, bouncing on her toes. “You have to take me some time! I have a sword too! Do you ever find any amethyst?”

An enamored smile crossed Ash’s strawberry-red lips, and Sebastian swore he could  _ feel  _ the tension in the air. It made him want to wretch. He ignored the mayor’s call to attention, deciding instead to focus on the sick feeling in his gut.

“I’d love to-- just make sure to bring the sword, okay?” Ash put a hand over

Abigail’s where it rested against her arm. His heart was in his stomach now, taking shelter amongst the twisted nausea, a step down from its former home in his throat. “I can’t have you getting hurt!”

Sebastian swallowed thickly, opting to light a cigarette rather than listen to the two girls’ chittering any more. Maybe Abigail was mistaking Ash’s feelings, maybe she thought they were directed at him rather than at her. Maybe Ash didn’t particularly prefer either of them and was testing the waters. Hell, she was probably doing the same with Shane.  _ Why the fuck did I think anyone would care about me anyway? _

The first drag did nothing to calm his thoughts so he took another, but the smoke took the old place of his heart in his throat and suddenly he was as close to sickness as the governor was.

“I guess maybe a dozen peppers was too much for the old guy.” Ash said flatly. Sebastian peered up at her from his position with his hands sat on his knees, coughing up a fit, and wondered if somebody as composed as her ever spiraled like he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this formats weird! For some reason Ao3 wont let me paste on my laptop any more :0 How are yall doing during this difficult time? My tumblr is @temp3sts if you need to destress and talk! <3


	9. 8 - Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A trip to the mines sends Ash spiraling down memory lane. Bonus- a commission by my lovely pal Storm (ParanormalImag1 on twitter!) of Ash and Sebastian ^w^ ahuhuhu~

Despite the sun beating relentlessly on Pelican Town, Ash had made plans with Abigail to spelunk in the mines. It was hard to resist her friend’s eager face, so shortly after the Luau, Ash had caved and told Abi that they could go mining the next day. Toting her sword, pickaxe, and obligatory Redbull, she set off to the shortcut connecting her farm to the mountains.

As she approached the mountains, Ash found herself wondering if she would run into Sebastian. A familiar feeling tugged at her heart, but she quickly swallowed it. _This town is too small for you to be fucking up again._

A loud, metallic clatter sounded from Robin’s house, making Ash jump. Perhaps Maru was outside working on something? A wave of guilt washed over her as she remembered how she’d been too late upon noticing Maru’s birthday on the local calendar. 

_Better late than never._

Ash scampered down the dirt path to Robin’s house, turning into the open garage and seeing--

Sebastian.

And a motorcycle.

She nearly wretched right there on the dirt, tasting bile and artificial syrup in her throat as Sebastian slid out from beneath the bike. A thousand unwanted thoughts hit her at once, sending her spiraling back into the childhood she never truly had.

“Oh, hey Ash.” He said casually, bringing her back to the present. She blinked at him for a moment, waiting for her mouth to start working again.

“... My dad used to ride.” She choked, trying to keep her voice level. Sebastian nodded, tossing a small, oil-stained cloth to the side. 

“I forgot I haven’t shown it to you yet.” He ducked underneath the vehicle once again and Ash almost took off running, but after a moment he continued.

“Sometimes, after sundown, I make the long ride out of Stardew Valley.”

She fidgeted awkwardly, hoping that Abigail would show up soon.

“Where do you go?”

“Zuzu, mostly. Sometimes neighboring towns, just for a change.” There was the sound of metal hitting the ground. “Once I’ve saved enough, I’m gonna head out on my own. Just me and my bike.”

Ash felt dizzy all of the sudden. She sat on her knees in the dirt, staring into the distance and focusing on not throwing up, and not letting the smell of oil take her back to countless days spent in her basement with her dad listening to him talk about how he was gonna take her on his bike and never look back, and not--

Sebastian rolled out again, quirking a brow when he looked up at her.

“Jesus, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. You good?”

_And not letting this cute guy know she was having flashbacks._

“I’m fine. Just haven’t been feeling too good lately. It’s the heat.”

He nodded, sitting with one knee propped up, arm hanging lazily over it. 

“You could probably use some time away, then. How about one of these days I take you for a ride?”

Ash stiffened, and suddenly the world was spinning and the blood was rushing in her ears and she was not in control, and all she could hear was a voice that sounded a lot like her saying--

“Yeah, sounds fun!” 

She came crashing back down to earth like a plane nose-diving into a field, her heart racing and her skin hot as Sebastian gave her a smile that looked almost relieved. She stood abruptly, swaying a bit and making her vision blur, and turned toward the mines.

“I’m meeting Abi in the caves, but hey, call me when you wanna take that ride! You, uh, have fun! With the… Bike. Yeah.” And without a passing glance she was gone, as fast as her clumsy feet would take her, far, far away from the smell of oil and the sound of her father’s voice. She collapsed in a heap near the mine elevator, slapping a hand over her mouth to muffle an anguished, strangled sob.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ash? Hey, look at me!” 

The world faded in slowly, starting with Abigail’s blue eyes and ending with Ash being able to move her hands.

“Are you okay? You look awful!” Abi looped an arm around Ash’s torso, easing her to her feet. The redhead wiped the residual tears from her face.

“Fine, yeah. Just got the shit kicked out of me by a couple slimes deeper in.” She jerked a thumb to the elevator. “That’s why you and I are starting at level one.” 

Not allowing Abigail any time to ask questions, Ash made her way to the rickety ladder leading down to the first level of the mines.

“After you.” She mumbled, turning her head away from her friend. She felt worried eyes on her for just a moment before the ladder began to creak, indicating Abigail’s descent, and she wondered just how far into her own descent she could go before someone here noticed her true self. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens >:3 hoohoo! I hope you’re all enjoying! The one good thing ab quarantine is that I can work on my fic aaaaallll I want!


	10. 9 - Saturnine Saturnalia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian finds confidence under the moonlight.

Out of all of Pelican Town’s festivities, the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies had to be the most tolerable.

Sebastian relished the cool breezes that swept through the otherwise still, hot summer air. The water was calm, save for a few little rippling waves here and there, but the beach was otherwise fairly peaceful. That was one thing about Pelican Town; people kept to themselves and stayed somewhat quiet at events.

He didn’t know if he liked that or not.

Deciding to make the near-silence even more enjoyable, Sebastian tugged a cigarette from his pocket. He tried to light it as quietly as possible, but a disappointed _tsk_ still sounded behind him when he flicked his lighter.

“Don’t let any of the ashes fall into the water!” Abigail hissed, giving Sebastian a little shove. He merely huffed in response. _The jellies’ll just have to deal with a nicotine addiction, too,_ he thought as he flicked his cigarette over the edge of the dock.

_Speaking of ashes._

He scanned the beach for any sign of the farmer. She was easy enough to find, the outline of her hair glowing bright, firey red in the moonlight. 

Shane was also easy to find, because his stupid bright blue Joja hoodie stuck out like a sore thumb.

The two chattered idly near the bait shop, Ash leaned casually against the wall while Shane stood, fidgeting with what looked like some keys, off to her side. Ash held something to her lips as Shane said _something about a chicken?_ And it took Sebastian a moment to realize that she was smoking, too.

He didn’t have much time to process before her steely gaze met his, lips curling into a smile around the cigarette hanging lazily between them, and she suddenly stood up straight. Her hand came to rest on Shane’s shoulder for a split second and she jerked a thumb in Sebastian’s general direction. 

He looked away quickly, not wanting her to think he was watching. Which he was. But she didn’t need to know. 

_Why do I act like such a moron around her?_

Sebastian grit his teeth, wishing he could be free of self-deprecation for just one night. If he could just have one night without calling himself an idiot, without comparing himself to somebody, without wondering if his family was proud of him or if his friends cared about him or if Ash had feelings for him too--

His eyes shot open, head jerking up just in time to catch Ash making her way down the dock, and _holy shit I actually like her._

She had been a different person upon her arrival- shy, awkward, and desperate. But clearly moving to Pelican Town was doing her as good as his mom had mentioned, because she walked up to him now with an air of confidence and at least 20 of the extra pounds she’d been carrying off her figure, her makeup was more subtle and effective and-

_What the fuck am I doing?_

“You look happier than you did at the Luau.” Ash said, taking another drag from what he now realized was a cheap-looking e-cigarette. _If by “happy” you mean “being a total mess”, then sure._

“I like to be out at night. Plus, the jellyfish are low-key cool,” Sebastian shrugged. “What’s with that stupid thing in your hand?”

Ash snorted, crossing her arms over her chest. He tried not to notice how low-cut the neckline of her dress was-

“Whatever, jackass. Five bucks says you get lung cancer before I do.” She grabbed the nearly-finished cigarette from his fingers and crushed it under her shoe. Sebastian fought back a grin. 

“I was kinda smoking that, but go off I guess.” 

Ash opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off by a loud whine from Abigail.

“Sam, listen, I’m _telling you_ that you can’t beat Journey of the Prairie King with your stupid cheat codes!”

“Abi, I _saw_ someone on YouTube do it with my own eyes!” Sam threw his hands up dramatically. Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing loudly.

“Can you two shut the fuck up? You’ve been arguing about this for two weeks now!” He shot them a glare. “I haven’t seen you guys this worked up since _somebody_ thought it’d be funny to sacrifice Abi’s healer for a couple of goats.”

Sam scoffed, looking incredibly offended.

“Dude, it was a great trade! We got to the wizard, like, twice as fast with those goats.”

Ash perked up, taking a step closer to the group.

“You’re talking about Solarion Chronicles, yeah?” She grinned sheepishly. “My best friend loves that game. I’ve never really been interested, but I’d love to play before she comes to live on my farm!”

Abigail gasped, hands balled into excited little fists by her chin.

“ _Another_ new farmer?! Is she anything like you?”

Ash rolled her eyes, a smile playing on her lips. “She _is_ me, but a shorter, louder, Italian me.”

Sebastian felt anxiety bubbling in his stomach. _Another_ new person to get used to? 

He stayed silent while Ash eagerly told stories about her friend, only catching bits and pieces of the conversation. Apparently this girl was named Sarah, and she had a Solarion Chronicles group out in the city, and she was gonna live in a cabin on Ash’s property. Great.

Sebastian looked up to see Lewis preparing a small wooden tugboat. Another wave of nerves crashed over him as he realized the festival would soon begin.

“Hey, Ash,” he said without thinking, heart somersaulting in his chest when she looked at him. “I um… Sam and I could teach you how to play SC. If you want.”

Her eyes brightened, a smile tugging at her pale pink lips. 

“That’d be great! Just let me know when your next session is and I’ll head over, okay?” Ash turned to see Lewis lighting the torch, then back to Sebastian. “I promised Shane I’d watch the jellies with him, but remember what I said!” 

She scampered back up the dock, leaving Sebastian to deal with Abigail’s knowing smirk and Sam’s excited grin. He felt proud of himself for just a moment. He was making progress, he thought, perhaps gaining confidence just like Ash was. He was confident enough to talk to her, enough to ask her over to his house, at that.

He was not as confident, however, when he looked across the water to see Shane’s jacket draped around Ash’s shoulders, her arm just barely touching his as they looked out to the sea. 

He wished she hadn’t taken his fucking cigarette. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (pls listen to Gothica Fennica! its a great album by my fave singer) wowie guys Im almost through the chapters I have pre-written! I'm so excited to share this content with you all!! I went ahead and attached a picture of Ash that I actually drew myself-- if anyone was wondering what she looked like ;w; I forgot to draw on my tattoos tho.. I forget that theyre there! Ash has a Heartagram under her right collarbone and a moth on her left thigh. huehuehue


	11. 10 - Solarion and Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash joins the boys for a game of Solarion Chronicles. In the mean time, she realizes her real feelings towards Sebastian.

The onset of fall had left Scarlet Farm looking softer, dreamier than before. The leaves had turned all of the warm, soothing tones that Ash adored so much, and the air had taken on a calming, breezy chill that made farm work enjoyable again. She leaned against the frame of the front door, letting the smells and sounds of autumn flood her senses, idly stirring a glass of lemonade. She’d finished her farm work early, leaving her with a solid two hours before she had to leave to join Sebastian and Sam in a game of Solarion Chronicles. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Standing in front of the mirror at the dawn of her second hour, Ash was no longer feeling so easygoing. 

With her makeup nearly finished (because “casual” glam was a lot harder than it needed to be), she still had to decide what to wear. She stared at her reflection, dwelling far too long on her uneven eyeliner and the way one of her accent lashes was glued onto her  _ actual _ ones. She checked the clock again and sighed, deciding to come back to her makeup situation after she’d handled clothes.

“I don’t wanna look too dressy, Pickles. That’ll make me look stupid.” Ash said matter-of-factly, earning a bemused  _ prrt _ from the tabby. Opening her dresser (which she had finally put her clothes into), she scanned its contents for something that said “I’m here to make an impression, but I don’t want you to know about it.” She tossed aside her jeans and leggings, didn’t bother with any of her band shirts, and eventually came across a nice, casual black skater skirt and a soft white top. The silhouette of a high-waisted skirt framed her quite nicely. She threw the outfit on and sprayed a little rose water on her neck.

When she found herself almost in tears over the crimson rat’s nest she called hair, Ash found she could no longer lie to herself. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she turned to her little orange therapist.

“Pickles,” she began, exhaling dramatically. “I think I’m falling for this Sebastian kid.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Ash! It’s good to see you here again!” 

Robin’s voice was syrupy sweet, but not in a way that sounded fake. She was a kind woman who clearly saw Ash, one more traumatic event away from the barrel of a shotgun, as someone who needed a mother figure. Considering the two got along and had much in common, Ash was more than happy to let the carpenter assume the position that her birth mother never quite had. 

“Good to see you, too. I’m here to hang out with Seb and Sam, if that’s okay.”

“Of course! I really think Sebby’s been excited to have you over. He even cleaned his room!” 

The ginger chuckled to herself, leaving Ash to fester with blushing cheeks and a fast-beating heart. Sebastian was  _ excited?  _ To see  _ her? _

“I’m glad. I think I’ll be needing a coop extension soon, by the way! The chicks are coming along great! We’ll set a time this week to talk about it.” Ash scampered down the basement steps, leaving Robin to ponder about the upcoming project. It was a good distraction, but not a lie by any means. Shane sold some damn fine chickens, and they’d been doing wonders for Scarlet Farm. Not to mention almost curing Ash’s ornithophobia (almost, considering the lovely hens got a kick out of flying into her face and scaring the devil out of her on occasion).

“Give it back, prick!”

Ash jumped a little at the sound of Sebastian’s voice behind his door, followed by a  _ thump. _

“No fuck off, I wanna see!”

She pushed the door open cautiously, raising a brow at the sight of a very tangled mess of Sam and Seb in front of her. They looked at her with wide, guilty eyes, like children that had been caught playing after bedtime.

“Gotta be honest, if this is what we’re doing tonight, I don’t think I’ll be interested unless there’s liquor involved.” Ash teased, watching the boys untangle their gangly limbs. Sebastian threw what looked like his phone onto his bed, shooting Sam a grim stare.

“This isn’t what we had planned, trust me. Sit at the far chair at that table there,” Sebastian pointed to a little card table off to the side. “Then we can get started.”

Ash nodded, setting the bag of chips she’d brought on the table next to a box labeled “Solarion Chronicles: The Game”. 

“Sick, dude, she brought us food!” Sam hauled himself over the back of his chair and into the seat, scooting the table away a good two inches in the process. Sebastian rolled his eyes, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

“I’m sure she’d have appreciated a thank you, but go off.”

Sam mumbled a quick “thanks” through a mouthful of Doritos, leaving Ash to giggle incessantly. She was glad that the boys felt at least a little comfortable around her. Sebastian began pulling a three-piece board from the box on the table, keeping all of the game’s contents on the side that  _ didn’t  _ involve Sam fisting a poor bag of nacho cheese chips. 

“So how much do you know about Solarion, Ash?”

She flushed, thinking back to the hasty few days she’d spent researching the game. She’d even had Sarah let her spectate one of her own games via video call. 

“Not much,” she lied. “I know the types of characters and alignments you can have. I also understand the scenario cards and what the dice do.” 

Sebastian and Sam proceeded to explain basic rules as they set up the scenario and the rest of the game pieces. Ash nodded along, pretending to be interested despite already knowing everything the two were explaining to her. She found herself focusing instead on the darker-haired male’s features. He had a noticeable jawline- the kind that was defined but not overbearingly strong. His eyes were his most intense feature, deep brown and slightly upturned. His eyebrows were full but not messy- set in a focused, stern line as he spoke. His hair was thick, and there appeared to be a lot of it, hanging in soft curtains around his slim face. Ash found herself smiling stupidly, entranced by the tiny spattering of freckles across his nose. She wondered how he got those if he never went outside—

“Hey, earth to Ash!” 

Sam’s voice broke her out of her trance, her brain taking a few awkward seconds to adjust and focus on the two in front of her. She felt her face heat up. 

“I uh.. yeah. I understand. Makes sense.” Ash said quickly, hoping that shot in the dark of a response would suffice. 

“Okay, great!” Sam beamed.  _ Score.  _

“Which archetype do you want to be then?” Sebastian looked expectantly at her as he shuffled some cards.

“Healer.” Ash replied confidently.  _ Oh yeah, _ she thought,  _ it’s all coming together. _

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I still can’t believe Ash pulled that scenario together!” 

A hot flush poured over Ash’s already-reddened cheeks as Sam clapped her on the back. During the campaign, Ash had healed Sebastian’s character near the end, allowing them to defeat… Whatever they were up against. She hadn’t paid much attention. Sarah had explained pretty much all of the basic scenario cards to her, so it was smooth sailing for most of the game. 

“That game was easier than I anticipated, I guess.” Ash said, taking a long sip of the rum Sebastian had hidden under his bed. She passed the bottle back to Sam. “Thanks for letting me stay again, by the way. I haven’t drank with company in awhile.”  _ FUCK. _

__ “It’s no big deal,” Sebastian replied. “Sam and I get sick of each other after too long.” He was met with an elbow to the ribs in response. 

“Whatever, dude!” Sam shoved the bottle into Sebastian’s hands. “Just be glad we found a friend to hang out with us. Abi’s too paranoid that her dad will find out when she drinks with us, so she stopped coming to Solarian night.”

Ash’s eyebrows shot up.  _ A friend… to hang out with? _

__ “Abi gets paranoid about everything with Pierre,” Sebastian took a small sip, cringing a little after the fact. “I don’t blame her though. He’s a nice guy, but man, he sure can bitch someone out.”

Sam leaned back against the bed, idly tapping away at his phone. Sebastian’s phone dinged.

“Let’s not forget the hell he raised when he found Abi’s altar.” Sebastian shot him a dirty look, snatching his phone off the bed. “I thought she was gonna have to move out for awhile.”

_ Are they talking about me?! _

A noise that sounded eerily like a screenshot being taken sounded from Sebastian’s phone.

“ _ Motherfucker-- _ uh, yeah, I did too. At least now we have Ash to like… Witch with her.”

Ash blinked stupidly. Was she like… a member of their clique now? More importantly, what the hell were they talking to each other about…?

Eventually Sam got up to leave, mumbling something about his mom.  _ Maybe that’s why they were talking… _

“I should go too. I don’t wanna be out too late.” Ash checked her phone. “I have to be awake in seven hours…”

Sebastian snorted. “You don’t HAVE to, farm girl.” He nudged her a little with his shoulder, sending...unwelcome, drunken feelings searing through her body. “But it’s cool, I know animals like their routine. I bet your chickens miss you.” 

Ash stuttered stupidly for a moment.

“... Yeah. They miss me. I, uh, I’m gonna go. Thanks again for having me! And…” A stupid smile crossed her face.

“And for calling me your friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is-- the chapter that took me like a year to write ^^; I just couldn't figure out how I wanted it to go, and with the game not providing much detail about SC as a game, I was stumped. I decided to skip the gameplay alltogether and things went smoothly from there! I'm ready to go back to work in a couple weeks (hopefully) but it's also sad because I won't have as much time to research and write LaS. Oh well C: I'll always make time for you guys! I hope April is treating everyone well- the 5th was actually my birthday! :D As always feel free to chat with me either here or on my tumblr (@temp3sts), I'm open to suggestions :3


	12. 11 - Pining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian takes up a job at the farm.

_ It’s really, really obvious that she likes you back. Why aren’t you making a move? _

Sebastian stared up at the ceiling, draped dramatically on his bed.

_ There are plenty of single people out here, dude. At this rate Shane will probably get to her before you. The guy has nothing to lose. _

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to drown out the sound of his best friend’s voice. 

_ I know you’re in a rough place, but you have to do something. We’re worried about you. _

“ **Shut the fuck up!** ” His voice echoed through his spacious bedroom, the pillow he’d thrown colliding uselessly with a nearby soda can. Luckily it was empty. Sebastian buried his face in his hands, trying to ignore the plethora of loud thoughts swimming in his mind.  _ Do this differently, there isn’t enough time for that, you’re too late, you failed, you’ll never-- _

__ Forty-five minutes. He could do forty-five minutes. He had enough gas to get to the city. Dispensaries were fucking expensive but so is a funeral, and frankly, Robin didn’t need to worry about the latter.

He stopped mid-reach, hands only inches away from his keys.

She left her lipstick.

Did she do that… on purpose? And why had she not come back for it yet?

Come to think of it, where the fuck had Ash been?

Sebastian quickly ran through the last few days-- she hadn’t been at the saloon, nor had she come to visit Robin. He pulled his phone out without thinking.

_ Abi have you seen Ash? Like has she come to the shop. _

**No i was gonna ask u the same thing? :/**

_ I’ll check on her. _

**Lul ;3**

_ Fuck off  _

Sebastian huffed, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. So now Ash was just… missing? He couldn’t help but think of how clumsy she appeared, always tripping over her words or her own feet, and felt a pang of fear at the thought of her around farm equipment. He’d need an excuse to stop over there, though, in case she hadn’t been impaled by a pickaxe. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fucking Joja Mart. 

Making the decision to bring some cheap liquor as thanks for joining him and Sam, Sebastian wondered why Pierre didn’t just suck it up and sell harder shit at his store. Sure it’d earn him a stern glare every time he stopped in for drinks, but it sure beat supporting the company that continually screwed his best friend over. Also, seeing a hungover Shane slinging cans of soup onto shelves was just sad. According to Sam he snuck an at-work drink in, like, daily. Multiple times. At work. On the clock. 

“What brings  _ you _ by?”

Speak of the god damn devil.

“... Sashimi.” Sebastian lied, knowing damn well telling Shane to lead him to the liquor aisle would be down right mean. Shane wrinkled his nose.

“Not sure how you stomach that, but… Aisle four. Hey, while you’re here, can I ask something?”

Sebastian blinked in response, clearly taken aback. What did Shane want with him?

“Uh, I was just gonna ask what the farmer’s whole deal was. I see her with you guys a lot. You and the other two.”

_ Oh fuck no. _

“The other two are Sam and Abigail.” Sebastian hissed, “and I don’t know what you mean by Ash’s whole deal.”

Shane snorted, giving him a curious once-over. Why did he look so fucking smug?

“Her dating sitch…” His dark eyes wandered over Sebastian’s shoulder at the sound of the store’s sliding doors opening. “Never mind, I’ll ask her myself. Have fun with your raw fish, my dude.” 

_ OH FUCK NO. _

__ Ash hobbled in, looking disheveled and exhausted, hair a mess and shoulders hunched. She hauled a little wagon behind her and looked around, clearly looking for help.

“Is there anything we can do for you today?” Came Morris’ nasally voice from somewhere near the counter. Ash visibly cringed. 

“No, I don’t need any help.” She quickly rounded the corner towards Shane and Sebastian, looking relieved to see her friends . He noticed a spattering of multi-colored bruises on her legs, painting the ivory flesh sickening colors of yellow and purple. 

“Thank gods-- Shane, where the fuck is your fertilizer?! I don’t trust your boss.” 

Shane stood from his kneeling position on the floor, looking a little too perky for himself. He smelled like booze. 

“I’ll take you there.” He nodded in the general direction of, presumably, the aforementioned fertilizer. 

Sebastian huffed at the sight of them walking off-- being paid only a (admittedly sweet) smile from Ash. He resisted the urge to knock Shane’s tedious display of tomato paste over. 

“Here’s the fertilizer. So are you settling in alright?” Shane’s voice carried from over the aisles. Sebastian found himself wandering closer.

“Just fine, yeah. Can you help me with these? I’m glad I caught you, though. You’re good with chickens.”

_ Chickens? _

“Chickens! Yeah, yours looked great last time I checked on them. Did you need me to look them over again?”

“Actually I was wondering--”

A loud cough interrupted the pair, coming from what sounded like the further end of the aisle. Sebastian heard Shane sputter for a moment.

“No visitors please, Shane!” Morris squawked from god knows where-- he seemed to be everywhere at once in this damn store. Likely to keep people from stealing… Like Sebastian in his younger days. Those were long community service hours.

Shane mumbled a quick apology to Ash, who not-so-subtly bit back something about a ‘corporate fatass’ being ‘even worse than [her] old manager’. Sebastian jumped at the sound of her heavy footsteps, quickly grabbing a bottle of aspirin off the shelf and immersing himself in the ingredients list while she limped towards him.

“I fucking hate capitalism,” she hissed, wagon now full of fertilizer bags. “Anyway… Sebastian, can I ask a favor? I had an epiphany while I was walking over here.”

He quirked a brow at her, noticing a large bruise on her arm. She huffed quietly-- why were her cheeks so red?

“I… uh. Huh. Harder than I thought to admit this.”

_ OH. _

_ OH MY GOD? _

“Ash, it’s okay.” He blurted, words tumbling from his lips. “Abigail told me and-- it’s fine!”

Ash blinked.

“Uh… Kinda shitty of her to tell you I have chronic pain.”

**WHAT?**

“What?”

“What? Is that not what we’re talking about?” Ash tilted her head. Sebastian realized he could hear his heart beating.

“... It is. Absolutely it is. What were you going to ask me?” 

Ash sighed, leaning against the handle of her wagon. He noticed then that the purple bags under her eyes had darkened.

“... I need help to make this farm work, Sebastian.” She said quietly. “I’m exhausted, but I have all these animals and plants and living things relying on me. I make good money, but only if I keep working. That’s why I’ve been M.I.A lately-- I sleep when I’m not working. My fatigue is acting up and… Anyway.”

A couple of tears fell from her tired blue eyes, taking pieces of Sebastian’s heart with it. He bit his lip, knowing damn well where this was going.

“I’ll help.” He said. Ash looked up at him through heavy lashes, eyes watery and pleading, akin to a sad shelter dog. She smiled, a few more tears streaking down her ivory cheeks.

“Y-you don’t have to! I-I can pay you and I only need you one or two days a week, I promise I’ll always give you plenty of notice if I do need you twice but I was thinking maybe Mondays? That way you still have your weekend and--”

“Ash.” In a rare moment of confidence, Sebastian put a tender hand to her shoulder. He could have sworn he saw the moment her cheeks went from pallor to deep red. “It’s alright. Just text me the night before you need me.”

Ash blinked a few times, lips parted and eyes wide. She sputtered a little. Sebastian felt an odd pang in his heart and couldn’t help thinking that he wanted to see just how flustered he could make her--

“I’ll see you Monday.” She choked.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“... And she had all these bruises on her legs, dude! I couldn’t say no!”

Sebastian turned towards the blond, who nonchalantly tossed a toy ball against the ceiling. He turned from his position on Sebastian’s bed.

“I think you did the right thing. You just need to get over the physical aspect of it-- I mean hell, Ash didn’t look like the most physical person either when she first started.”

Sebastian thought back to the rotund, round-cheeked girl that had come skittering up to them at the beginning of the year. She’d changed drastically since then-- not that she needed to, but obviously laborious work would lead someone’s body to change. She was still not skinny by any means, but her curves stood out more now, as did her sharp facial features. 

“SEBASTIAN.” 

He jumped at the sound of his friend’s voice-- was he seriously just sitting here  _ daydreaming _ about Ash?

“You’re right, okay? I was just thinking about… Y’know--”

“Ew, don’t say anything. You’re so gross when you like someone.” The blond hopped off of Seb’s bed. “You were worse when you fell for Abi, though.”

Sebastian cringed. His and Abigail’s relationship was somewhat of a sensitive topic. Not because the wound was still fresh, but rather the opposite. Those feelings were dead and now it was very strange to think of his dear friend in a romantic sense. He’d had to bar the topic altogether at one point, seeing as Abigail liked to prattle on about some of their less fortunate sexual encounters.

Everyone’s accidentally punched themselves in the balls while putting on a condom, right?

“I just wonder what she’s gonna have me do.” Sebastian leaned against the wall. “My aunt has chronic pain-- whenever she had a flare-up she needed her husband to take care of my cousin and everything for her. What if Ash wants me to do all the grunt work?”

Sam shrugged.

“Everyone’s condition is different. It’s not the same but my mom had really bad postpartum depression after having Vincent. She still took up the housework and everything… She just cried a lot.”

Sebastian blinked. Jodi seemed to have it together so well… But Sam was right. Every person’s condition was different and, even if Ash expected him to do the heavy lifting, she’d promised he’d be getting paid for it. 

… Plus, this could give him a chance to get to know her privately.

And better than Shane does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAA HERE IT IS GUYS my SECOND magnum opus! I'm so proud of this chapter! I've always been frustrated with my chapter length and this one was LITERALLY DOUBLE the size of my normal ones hehe! Things are getting intense!!! :3 I've gotten some really sweet comments on this fic lately and it's really helped improve my productivity! I'm so glad you're all enjoying hehe this fic is like my baby ;w; as always I'm available for questions here or at my tumblr @temp3sts !


	13. 12 - Prepare the Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash readies her grange display and tells her best friend all about some kid named Sebastian.

A loud sigh filled the room as Ash tossed aside  _ another  _ imperfect pumpkin. 

“This stupid fair is  _ tomorrow _ , Sarah!” She whined, reaching into her basket of small orange gourds. “I don’t care if I win, but it’s gonna be hella embarrassing if I have a shitty display after all the work I’ve put into this damn farm.”

Her best friend’s voice rang out in the form of an annoyed huff from her phone, the digital image of the raven-haired woman giving her a stern glare that stung from hundreds of miles away.

“I think every pumpkin, potato, and melon you’ve shown me thus far has been absolutely fine, Ash. You’re overthinking a lot lately!” Sarah chirped, nervously raking her fingers through a piece of her dark hair. “Is there anything you haven’t been telling me?”

Ash bit her lip. She had become hesitant to tell her best friend when she’d developed feelings for someone over the years. After burdening the poor woman with countless heartbreak stories and emotional rollercoaster rides, Ash had learned to wait until things were set in stone to bring up a new potential partner to anyone, especially poor Sarah.

“... I met someone.” She choked, earning a loud groan from the other woman. Ash sighed, covering her face with her hands. “It’s not that deep, I swear! I just have a thing for him is all, but it’s like every time I’m around him I forget how to act like a normal person so I put on whatever visage seems best at the time and--”

“Ashtyn.” Sarah interrupted, hands clasped in front of her face. “I’m happy for you. You don’t have to be afraid to tell me these things! I understand your poor little heart can’t help it.” She leaned on her elbow, a small, almost sad smile gracing her pretty face. 

“Tell me about him.” Sarah said.

Ash blinked, eyes wide through the cracks between her fingers. This was… going better than she’d expected. 

“His name is Sebastian.” Ash began. “He’s a freelance programmer-- he’s really cute, Sarah. You’d want him if you were here. Dark hair, black hoodie, pale skin, I think he might be part Asian? He doesn’t have a dad in the picture, so I’m not certain. He’s really brood-y and sweet deep down but he takes a hot minute to warm up to you but once he does… Fuck.”

She was getting The Look. That look you get when someone who knows you better than you know yourself has a feeling; a feeling that you’re in deep and you’re about to hear all about how you should-

“You should ask him out!” Sarah chirped, hand resting against her cheek. “God, he sounds like your type. Dark, nerdy, and- WAIT, that’s the guy you played Solarion with! Oh my  _ GOD! _ ” She hopped up, her free hand eagerly waving around. Ash groaned, slumping back onto her bed. 

“You’re such a dick! He’s just my friend right now… We still do Solarion every week. I absolutely hate it still, but he’s really cute when he’s focused and it lets me look at all the little freckles on his face and I like the way his hair hangs in his face…” 

She was in too deep.

A pang of fear hit her like a truck, and suddenly she was no longer in Pelican Town, but rather back in Zuzu with her ex boyfriend who she’d fallen this hard for. Suddenly she was catching him cheating all over again and waking up to a drained bank account again and smoking every minute of every day to keep herself high enough to deal with the abuse--

“Ash!” Sarah called, shaking her from her thoughts. “Hey, I know that face. You still with me? Tell me what’s wrong.”

Ash swallowed thickly, a single tear rolling down her cheek as the vision of his face faded from her view. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want another heartbreak.

“... He rides a motorcycle.” She choked. “He smokes cigarettes and hides liquor under his bed.”

Sarah paused for a long while, multiple troubled expressions crossing her face. She sighed.

“That doesn’t make him a bad person.” Sarah began, clearly still thinking her words through. “Though I understand why that makes you uneasy. Just be wary, but let him in. I think you’re mature enough to know if someone is bad for you by now.”

Ash laughed bitterly, a few more tears escaping from past her lashes. You’d think she would know by now, but they both knew that was a lie.

“I’ll do my best.” Ash said finally, trying her best to cover the bitterness in her voice. “It’s just hard to separate him from my dad when I have flashbacks every time I hear his stupid motorcycle roll up to my farm when he comes for work.”

Sarah sighed, a deep sadness in her mossy green eyes. She opened her mouth but no sound came. Come to think of it, Ash couldn’t hear anything…

Except a motorcycle.

And her father’s voice.

She couldn’t feel anything but an all-encompassing sickness and a hellish pain in her head that spread to her neck, her chest, her stomach--

“ _ Ashtyn! _ ” Sarah’s voice rang out finally, panic flashing in her eyes. Ash gasped as she came back to, finding that she had had a hand wrapped around her throat and her face buried in her pillow.

“We need to talk about something else.” Sarah fretted, “And you need to call that psych in the next city over. Self medicating clearly isn’t working.”

Ash blinked, still a little dazed.

“Let’s change the subject.” She croaked, standing up on wobbly legs. “Can you help me pick out an eggplant for my display?”

A sly grin replaced the look of fear on Sarah’s face.

“Show me the girthiest eggplant you’ve got, kid! Then send it my way when you’re done!”

“ **_SARAH!_ ** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus points to anyone who gets the chapter title without looking it up ;3 happy LASaturday! LASturday? LASurday? I'm really drunk. I love you all! :3


	14. 13 - Fair and Loathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian feels the aftereffects of farm work in more ways than one.

Sebastian was many things. He was tech-savvy, he was good with words when he had time to think them through, and he was pretty damn good at making coffee. Sebastian was not, however, cut out for farm work. 

After replacing the bandages on what seemed like his hundredth gash from work, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was in way over his head. His body ached, he couldn’t find the energy to do his programming work the day after working with Ash, and he found himself restless at night to top it all off.  _ How the fuck does she do this every day? _

She’d be at it again straight after the fair, he thought. Or maybe she was already awake, scampering around the farm as she always did on her days… She tried to help the first few of his days, but soon found herself needing the rest. It got to the point where he’d merely poke in through the front door to make sure she was home, only to hear her gentle snores from the bedroom, before heading to work. It felt… Domestic. She’d wake up a few hours later with breakfast for him-- usually something like hash browns and pancakes, since he didn’t like eggs. They ate in silence usually, Ash absently scrolling through her phone, but they’d steal sideways glances at each other. She looked good in that fuzzy black robe she wore around the house--

“Sebastian!” Maru’s voice rang from the top of the stairs. “I’m coming in!”

He groaned, tossing a blanket over himself in hopes that it would eat him and his shame alive. 

“I can see you, idiot.” Maru chuckled. “Mom says it’s time to get going!”

Sebastian huffed.  _ No point in protesting, _ he thought,  _ it never works. _

“I’ll be out in two minutes.” He said.

Maru paused. He could tell she was expecting more of a fight.

“... Glad to hear it, Seb!” She chirped, hopping back up the stairs. She even remembered to close the door behind her. Was that some kind of Pavlovian reward for being nice…?

Hauling himself out of bed, Sebastian couldn’t help but wonder if being around Ash so much was changing him.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fair began fairly routine, with the addition of Ash’s display being the only difference.

Abigail made her way to where Sebastian and Sam usually stood, absently waving a cloud of smoke from Sebastian’s face before stopping mid-waft.

“Is that a vape?” She asked, plucking the fake cigarette from Sebastian’s grip. He made a sound of annoyance, snatching the item back.

“I can’t do farm work if my lungs feel like they’re gonna collapse, can I?” He mumbled, taking another slow hit from the pineapple-flavored stick. “Apparently these are better for your lung health. Slightly.”

Abigail exchanged shocked glances with Sam, who returned with a sly grin on his face. Sebastian grit his teeth. He wanted their knowing, condescending looks to stop  _ so _ badly. 

“Y’know, Ash looked pretty nervous when I was helping my dad up there.” Abigail said matter-of-factly. “You should go talk to her.”

Her gaze softened upon seeing Sebastian’s troubled glare. He knew that look. She wasn’t asking him to go talk to Ash, she was telling him, but in that nice way that comes from the heart because you truly know what’s best for a person. 

He sighed, defeated.

And looked up to see that Shane had beaten him to the punch.

He stared forlornly as the violaceous-haired man raised a hand to her arm, gently patting her alabaster flesh with a look of comfort in his dark eyes. Ash said something unintelligible and they both laughed. Sebastian swallowed thickly, turning away to face his friends once more.

“I’ll talk to her after the fair.” He murmured. Abigail and Sam exchanged concerned looks, the latter patting him gently on the back.

“It’s okay if you’re nervous.” Sam said gently. Sebastian cringed. If only he was nervous. If only it was nerves and not some drunken slob making the moves on the only thing that had made him  _ feel _ in years.

That was it; she made him feel. It was cheap and juvenile but she opened something up within him. A curiosity that he felt could only be satiated in the form of his lips against hers, something scary and warm and nerve-wracking and inviting. He wanted it to stop when she was near but as soon as she was gone, oh god, he needed that feeling to encompass him and swallow him whole.

“You look upset.” Abigail said finally. “You look sick, actually.”

Sebastian blinked the swirling thoughts away. Truthfully, he wanted all of his feelings to stop. About Ash, about himself, about Demetrius and Maru, about his career and all of his shortcomings--

“I need to see a fuckin’ psych.” He said finally. There was a pregnant pause, air thick with tension as Sam and Abigail searched for the right words.

“Yeah, you do.” Sam said finally, a stupid look in his panicked eyes. Abigail practically screamed, her elbow finding its way violently into his ribs. 

“What Sam was  **trying** to say,” she began, shooting daggers at the blond, “was that it would probably be a good plan for you to go back to therapy. I understand you didn’t like the person you saw after the divorce, but that doesn’t mean all psychological doctors are gonna suck at their jobs.” 

Sebastian opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a chorus of applause. Looking over, the three noticed Mayor Lewis handing a congratulatory ribbon to Pierre, who stood proudly beside his winning grange display. Beside him stood a bitter Marnie and a crestfallen Ash, who strode up to the group after the crowd had settled. 

“Your dad beat my ass by a longshot, Abi.” Ash grumbled, a sad smile on her face. Abigail merely laughed in response, earning an almost hurt look from the redhead.

“Yeah, did Marnie not warn you? This is kind of his thing, I’m afraid.” She clapped a hand onto Ash’s shoulder. “Just try to enjoy the rest of the fair, okay?”

Ash smiled stupidly. “I’ll try. Thanks Abi!” 

She was gone as quick as she came, with not even a passing glance spared in his direction. Sebastian watched her go, making a beeline right for the fortune teller’s booth… With Shane.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pier proved to be one hell of a lot quieter than even the furthest corner of the fair itself. 

Sebastian watched the smoke escape his lips, traveling in a cohesive cloud into the sky. Bliss, he thought, it must be to disappear into the sky. He wished he could do the same.

He’d called the local psychiatrist that Harvey had recommended to him years ago, garnering only a voicemail response. Though he left his name and number, he didn’t feel too confident that he’d receive a call back any time soon. There weren’t that many psychological professionals within the area. This one was a 20 minute drive out past Pelican Town-- a far cry from the 45-to-60 minute estimates he received with more esteemed doctors in Zuzu. But fuck, he needed help  _ now.  _ What was the point of a doctor that couldn’t help you when you were actually breaking down?

Absently flicking the cigarette he’d guiltily lit on the way to the pier, Sebastian wondered how many more times he could break down before his thoughts broke him altogether. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> geddit instead of FEAR and loathing,, anyway hi! I'm very excited to announce that I will be returning to work soon! I still expect to update weekly but if that changes I will let everyone know. I hope everyone is still enjoying my fic and that you're all staying home and staying healthy <3 I've been eating a lot of takeout hehe, what about you all? As always feel free to chat with me on my tumblr @temp3sts or drop me a comment! I love talking to you all!


	15. 14 - Patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sebastian ditches his farm work, Ash decides to have a talk with Abigail.

Her phone sat silently in her pocket, a gnawing reminder that she was on her own today.

After eight missed texts and two calls straight to voicemail, Ash had given up on the prospect of Sebastian coming in to work today. She snatched the phone from her pocket and decided to try one last time because, frankly, she had slept in and did not expect to wake up to the anguished cries of hungry chickens whose routine had been just barely thrown off.

Inevitably, the sound of a default voicemail operator greeted her rather than Sebastian himself.

“Hey,” she began gruffly, “next time you wanna fuck me over, give me some notice.” 

A little harsh, some might say, but not when she knew what she did. She’d seen the daggers Sebastian shot her all day yesterday. What, was she not allowed to have other friends? Was he afraid that Shane was gonna turn her on their group? 

… Was he being protective?

_ Stop. _

__ Ash shook the thought from her head. There’s no way in hell he felt the same for her. That’s why he’d ditched her. 

That’s why whenever they spoke he could hardly look in her direction, or when they made plans he had to force himself to include her, or why he stared at her stupid, fat body all the time like he wanted her to just shrink right into the ground--

_ This isn’t gonna get done today. _

__ With a defeated sigh, Ash tossed her hoe to the side, leaving the better part of her crops unattended. They’d be fine tomorrow. The chickens had been fed and, frankly, that’s all that mattered.

Tossing Pickles a stray pine cone to play with, Ash set off down the path to the town’s center.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, what, are y’all not allowed to have visitors on Wednesdays?” 

Abigail sighed, pressing two fingers to the point between her eyebrows.

“My dad worries that if we let in guests they’ll try to buy something. Just don’t wake him, okay?”

Ash nodded. Though she doubted Pierre was anything like her own father, she was a master at not waking up dads. Especially her own, but Abi’s would work too.

“What did you wanna talk about?” Abigail asked once they were finally in her room. Ash sat herself on the edge of the bed, taking a deep breath.

“Sebastian.” She growled. 

Did Abigail look… Happy? Disdainful? Scared?

“What about Sebastian?”

Ash paused for a moment, thinking of how to delicately word her question.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?”

Abigail blinked and, just for a moment, Ash thought she’d overstepped some kind of boundary, but instead the violet-haired woman had to physically restrain herself from laughing too loudly. 

“We all wanna know that!” She said, wiping a tear from her eye. Ash stared at her for a long while, and her blank gaze must have conveyed the message that she wasn’t joking, because Abigail’s laughter died down to a nervous chuckle. Abigail sighed, crossing one of her short legs over the other. Ash softened her gaze, enamored with the way Abigail’s chubby cheeks looked when she was pouting--

“He’s… Not right in the head.” She began, wringing her small hands together. “His dad abandoned them and it really, really hurt him. He doesn’t get along with Demetrius because, frankly, that guy has had it out for Sebastian from the get go. Something about them… They just don’t get along.”

Abigail sighed, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. Ash watched her patiently.

“That lack of a father figure, coupled with the three people he lives with not understanding him or his line of work, it really takes a lot out of him. Plus, he heard a lot of terrible arguments at a young age before his dad left. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with him, but he gets really bad anxiety, and he self-medicates with nicotine, alcohol, and weed.” 

Ash found herself shedding a few empathetic tears. She nodded solemnly, met with a soft, questioning gaze from Abi.

“... I don’t have a dad either.” She said simply. “And my mental health is fucked, too. I was… Kind of harsh to him today. He didn’t show up for his farm work.”

Abigail looked disturbed for a moment, but settled nonetheless. She placed a comforting hand on Ash’s knee, sparking a blush on her alabaster cheeks.

“We’re very patient with Sebastian, and I want you to know that we will be for you, too. You seem very caring, Ash, and I’m sure he’ll understand why you had an outburst if you just talk to him.” 

Ash choked a little, a sob sticking to the walls of her throat. Why was everyone here so nice to her? Back in Zuzu she was met with harshness and criticism for showing her true self. But so far, everyone in Pelican Town had been very kind when she stuttered, said something out of pocket, or asked too many questions. Now Abigail was being supportive of her severe lack of mental stability? This was all too foreign for her. 

_ They must be faking. _

“That means a lot.” She said simply. “I really didn’t think Sebastian had it that bad. I feel like kind of an ass.”

Abigail smiled softly, returning her hand back to her own lap. Ash missed the warmth instantly. 

“It took me a lot of getting used to. Especially when I dated Sebastian back in the day,” she looked up when Ash jumped, chuckling at her wide eyes. “It was nothing! We broke up because we work a lot better as friends… But…” 

Abigail chewed her lip, looking around as if searching for the right words to say.

“That doesn’t mean you two wouldn’t work.” 

Ash felt her eyes practically blow out of her head.  _ Did she really just say that?! _ She sat there, sputtering stupidly, unsure of exactly what to say. Abigail clapped her hands over her mouth, looking genuinely horrified.

“Hey-- I didn’t mean anything by that! I just thought maybe you two would get along! I-I swear I didn’t mean anything weird!”

The two sat there for a moment, awkwardly tripping over each others’ words, before Ash finally stood up.

“I think I should get back to my chickens, Abi!” She said, perhaps a little more high-pitched than she intended. “Thank you so much for helping me!”

She scampered out the door, not even bothering to say hello to a very tired looking Caroline on her way out. Hopefully she wouldn’t have gotten poor Abigail into any trouble, but frankly, she had a  _ lot _ to take in and couldn’t stand to be in the same room as anyone but Pickles right now. 

She didn’t realize she’d been running the entire way until she collapsed on her bed, gasping for breath and numb in the legs, and saw a single text from Abigail.

**Pls dont tell him I told you anything :^(**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! I started work again on Thursday and it's been absolutely exhausting. I hope everyone is doing well and that things can go back to normal soon!


	16. 15 - Spirit's Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Ash discuss their feelings. It goes very well.

Spirit’s Eve was easily Sebastian’s favorite holiday.

Not only did it mean watching the rest of the town get scared shitless by some dinky maze, it also meant Abi’s Spirit’s Eve party after the festival.

Spirit’s Eve was the one day Pierre let Abigail do anything fun-- and fun it was. The store was transformed into a spooky haven, complete with fake cobwebs and themed desserts. Abigail went way harder on Spirit’s Eve than she did her own birthday; something about celebrating the dead or whatever. It was far from a rager, but it sure beat staying at home.

Plus, there was plenty of booze provided by Pierre himself. 

Sebastian found himself swaying to a Fleetwood Mac song, occasionally sipping from some pumpkin ale. Though the party always consisted of just their small group, it was always something to remember. 

This year, though, they expected a guest.

She sauntered in with a plate of what appeared to be sandwiches cut into little pumpkin shapes. She clearly dressed the part- her dress covered in sugar skulls and tulle, and her eyeliner longer than her brows. The bodice of her dress was laced rather tight, and he found himself wanting to loosen it for her--

“Hey Sebastian.” Ash said finally, snapping him back to reality. Sebastian blinked uselessly, brain fogged beneath a haze of liquor and lust. 

“You clean up well, farm girl.” He slurred. Ash merely chuckled in response, grabbing a bottle of spiced rum and pouring herself a shot into a nearby Solo cup.

“You and Sam both sound hammered,” she said. “Guess I better catch up.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She felt right.

Watching her grind on top of him, Sebastian couldn’t help but wonder why they hadn’t done this sooner. The tension was always there, and clearly she looked at him the same way he looked at her. Her lips tasted like cinnamon and her tongue like vanilla cream, and he found himself wondering what her other lips tasted like--

“Sebastian,” She panted, looking at him past heavy lashes. “Can I ask you something?”

…

What?

He adjusted himself, clearly taken aback. 

“Uh.”

Ash blinked, her cheeks growing even redder.

“What do you feel right now?”

Sebastian blinked back at her, heart practically stopping in his chest. He was  _ not _ about to have this conversation while wasted. What if he accidentally told her he loved her or something crazy like that?! There was no way he was ready to open up about this.

“Like I wish we were at my place right now.” He said flatly, not meeting her gaze. Ash pulled away from him.

“Ah.” She said simply, straightening her back. “I think we should stop this before it goes too far, then. I don’t think we’re on the same page.”

_ I fucked up. _

__ “Okay..” He mumbled, unable to say anything else. Fuck him for drinking too much and for hurting her, fuck him for watching her walk away and grab another drink instead of telling her how he really felt, fuck him for watching her get totally shit faced to forget how fucking flaky and stupid he acted.

Fuck him for not knowing what to say.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Sebastian.” She said finally. He turned around quickly, eyes blown wide. They had been actively avoiding each other for over two hours, either mindlessly scrolling through their phones or talking to Sam or Abi. She smelled strongly of booze and he couldn’t help but worry. Was she gonna tell him off?

“I wanna talk,” Ash slurred, setting him down at one of the folding chairs placed out in the middle of the floor.

“I uh--”

“No no no let me talk okay,” she patted his arms with both hands.  _ Oh she’s DRUNK drunk. _

__ “I know about your.. Problems” she started, pointing stupidly to her head. Sebastian cocked an eyebrow. “Your mom-- _ hic-- _ told me everything. Abi told me a little too but don’t tell her I told you that she told me… Did that make sense?”

“No.” He grimaced, looking down at the floor. This was not the conversation he wanted to have right now…

“I jus’ want you to know that I’m here, ok? I got problems too, lots of ‘em!” She held her hands up, damn near falling backwards in the process. “I got problems out the wazoo!”

Sebastian stood, resisting the urge to throw his beer bottle to the side. He could understand his mom blabbering about his personal life, but who the fuck was Abigail to tell Ash about his issues?! And what exactly had they talked about?

“I don’t want or need any of your help.” He lied. “I can handle myself.”

He knew deep down that this was a lie, that he wanted her to comfort him, that he needed someone like-minded to talk to. He’d exhausted Sam and Abigail with his bullshit long ago and, frankly, he didn’t feel like talking to Harvey about his problems despite their strictly doctor-patient relationship. Something about seeing someone who knows your deepest, darkest secrets on a daily basis, and having him work with your sister…

Ash grimaced at him, standing up as well. He’d never forget the cold hatred behind her eyes in that moment. 

“Well then,” she said, looking sobered. “If you don’t need any help, there’s no reason for you to be missing any work. One more no call no show and I’m asking Shane to replace you.”

_ I fucked up big time. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it actually went horribly. Thank you all for 1000+ hits everyone!!! I've honestly burst into tears so many times over how successful this fic has been lmao-- I smile every time I get a comment or a new kudos! Here's a bonus chapter to celebrate! I love each and every one of you ;;w;;


	17. 16 - Isolation*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM) Ash needs to be saved from herself. Sebastian is no hero.

Sometimes Ash scared herself.

Watching text after text pour in from her friends, she felt nothing. No empathy, no concern, no guilt. Even the ones from poor Abigail, who had never done anything wrong to her, fell on deaf ears.

“I’m just tired of not knowing, Sarah,” Ash began, looking over at her laptop, positioned comfortably on the couch next to her. The digital image of her best friend cocked her head.

“About Sebastian? Slow down, kiddo!”

“On this-” she swirled the bottle of shitty flavored beer in her hand, “or on figuring out things with Seb?”

“ _ Both?! _ ”

The redhead grimaced, taking a rebellious swig from her bottle. Sarah groaned. 

“You need help, Ash. You’ve gotten worse. You’re vaping again, you’re drinking like every night, and you aren’t seeing anyone about any of it!”

The genuine concern in her best friend’s eyes broke Ash’s heart for the first time that night.

“... We made out at Abigail’s party and--”

“HOLD THE FUCK UP.” 

Jesus christ.

Ash dropped her head into her hands, a loud groan escaping her still-bruised lips. Sarah let out an annoyed huff.

“He clearly has some sort of feelings for you, then!” She said excitedly. “You need to pursue this! If he is the kind of guy you say he is then I doubt he’s only in it for a fuckbuddy or to lead you on.”

It wasn’t that easy. Why did everyone think it was that easy?! 

Ash felt all of her anger about the situation bubbling to the surface and she knew she was gonna regret this, she knew she should never treat her friends so poorly and that her BPD was controlling her and that she was a monster unworthy of any love--

There was a knock at the door.

She paused.

“... I’ll call you back.” Ash said finally, shoulders slumping under the physical weight of her emotions. She shut her laptop and stood, wobbling on unsteady feet, before taking another drink.

“Who is it?” She barked, leaning against her couch. She heard a scoff.

“Sebastian.”

Oh.

Oh FUCK.

She dashed to the mirror in her bedroom, quickly fixing her hair and wiping her bare, unlined eyes free of any residual tears. She debated throwing on pants but fuck it, a night dress would do.

The door opened and Sebastian gave her a concerned once-over.

“Still drinking from the party? Kudos.” He leaned against the door frame. God, why did he have to be so coy? Why did he have to be so damn handsome? She briefly wondered if she should have tossed on a more becoming night shirt, rather than the one she currently wore that featured a snoozing sloth.

“Why are you on my farm?” Ash hissed, voice gruff and thick with malice. She regretted her existence. 

“I wanted to talk. About the other night.” Sebastian began. Ash tensed. This is how it begins. He says that it’s not her fault, he was drunk, he saw her in a different light. He’d say it didn’t mean anything and he didn’t want it to change their friendship, that he didn’t want to give her the wrong idea. He’d tell her he was sorry and then he’d slowly stop replying to her texts, stop nodding in her direction when they crossed paths, stop inviting her to hang out. She’d have nobody again and she’d have to pick up one more fucking time and move--

“Are you okay? You look pale.” Sebastian’s hand was on her shoulder now. That was a thing that was happening. “I just wanted to say that I don’t want you to feel weird about what happened with us. I get it if that wasn’t what you had in mind, and I’m sorry. We both drank a hell of a lot.”

Ash blinked.

He…

__ _ What? _

__ “I can tell it’s still kind of a rough subject. I’m sorry again if I made things weird. I’ll come by tomorrow for my farm work, okay? Promise.”

He gave her a tiny smile and… the tiniest, most awkward hug. 

_ That did unwanted things to me. _

__ Brushing those thoughts aside, Ash stupidly watched him walk back up the path to his house. She felt…

Unfulfilled.

Her anger boiled her blood again, and she slammed the farmhouse door shut. How could he leave her with such a vague explanation? Was he implying that their encounter meant nothing to her? Was he trying to say that she had been too drunk to control herself and would have sucked face with anyone who came her way?!

“FUCK!” 

She came down to the sound of broken glass and a streak of orange darting from the couch to her bedroom. 

“Pickles?!”

Ash rushed to the broken glass which, luckily, had landed nowhere near Pickles’ former perch on her couch. She must have scared the hell out of him, though. Guilt washed over her and she screamed again, grabbing the broken glass with her bare hands and letting the shards penetrate her palms.

“I’m a monster,” she wept, “why did you choose me?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All chapter with additional TWs will be marked with an asterisk, as well as warned in the summary. :3 I hope you all enjoyed this darker chapter, I promise I have lighter things planned!


	18. 17 - Cold as Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Festival of Ice proves to be more dramatic than Sebastian was anticipating.

The Festival of Ice was nothing if not an inconvenience, at best.

Sebastian found himself lamenting in his bed again, wondering when the routine of life in the Valley would end. He had nearly $900 in savings from his few years of programming, but obviously that wasn’t enough for a full move to the city. His first month’s rent, maybe, but not the entire move. 

He also wondered when it would become unacceptable for him to live with his mom. His 23rd birthday was looming closer and, frankly, crashing in the basement became more embarrassing every day. 

Sebastian never enjoyed his birthday-- though his friends did their best by throwing him a small get-together, he still couldn’t help but spend the day thinking about his own mortality. How he had so little time left to accomplish his goals. How he was spending his life in a cold, dark basement, wasting away in front of a computer dealing with people who confused HTML and HDMI on the regular. 

“Hey, Seb!” Rang a clear voice from outside his door. He groaned as the door swung open, in coming Maru in full winter gear.

“Come on, sleepyhead! We have to leave soon and you haven’t even gotten dressed yet?” She clapped her hands twice, insinuating that he should probably get out of bed. Sebastian responded with a noncommittal huff.

“Hey,” Maru began, a sympathetic smile on her face. “I know you don’t like these things, but I can tell it makes your mom happy when you tag along. The festival doesn’t last long. Let’s just get it over with, okay? I don’t wanna watch people fish either.”

Sebastian quirked a brow. Maru was… being weirdly nice. What was this about? He found himself sliding out of bed, somehow motivated by her reassurance.

“Leaving in ten!” She announced, scampering out of his room. She remembered to shut the door again. What was this?

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Congratulations, Pam!” Mayor Lewis’ voice rang from the center of the pond. “You win again!”

He shook the woman’s hand vigorously, earning a rare smile from the blonde. Sebastian’s eyes wandered over to a rather irritated Ash, who immediately tugged a more professional-looking vape from her coat pocket as she walked over to the group.

“That’s new!” Sam observed, eyeing the slim red unit. Ash shrugged, clearly a little uncomfortable with the attention. Sebastian found himself gritting his teeth a little. He’d hoped Ash would have been off with Shane, to be honest, after she completely ignored his reaching out to her at the farm. 

Who did she think she was, anyway? He pours his heart out to her  _ in person, _ breaking all his usual socially awkward rules, and she ignores him? Ash was honestly the last person Sebastian wanted to see right now. She had a bitchy look on her face and he couldn’t help but fear that he’d somehow offended her the other day.

“Pretty uh, pretty stupid competition huh? You did great.” He lied, instantly regretting his words when she stared at him with a wide, cold scowl.

“Mhm. Abi, why do you not compete? This seems like it would be your thing.”

She shucked her heavy coat off to reveal a simple white floral sweater with three-quarter sleeves, which blended into her pasty skin and stuck out against the--

_ Oh god. _

__ She had gashes on her hands and he felt his heart fly into his throat in a sea of bile.

Where had she gotten those? Why did she have them? There was nothing on the farm that would cause cuts like that and one looked infected and they were deep and--

“Ash,” he found himself saying, “can I ask you something? Like, over there?”

Sam and Abigail exchanged shocked looks. Sebastian cringed.

Ash followed him, albeit reluctantly, to a farther end of the lake. She crossed her arms and stared at him expectantly.

“Those cuts…” He began awkwardly, “I uh. I mean, I know things are weird right now, but if you need to talk just…”

Oh she looked mad.

“I know you have… problems. I can tell. Listen, it’s gonna be okay, I don’t know what you’re going through but--”

“They aren’t self-inflicted you fucking moron!” Ash hissed, eyes blazing. 

Oh.

Oh  _ fuck. _

__ “I was picking up glass and got hurt, okay? Simple as that! Don’t act like you can just-- like you can  _ save me _ or like I’m your responsibility! You came to my farm and basically said that what happened meant  _ nothing! _ ” 

Wait no oh god oh fuck, that’s not what he wanted her to think at all--

“And another thing,” she ranted, “you’re doing this in public?”

People were staring-

“Ash-”

“Don’t  _ Ash _ me!” She hissed, hands shaking and eyes glossy. “You of all people shouldn’t be lecturing me about my mental illness!”

…

Ah.

Okay.

Sebastian chuckled, ignoring her weak whimpering as he lit a cigarette.

“Seb…” She began, “I-I didn’t mean… Look, I just--”

“I get it. I’m glad you know how fucked I am,” he took a long drag, eliciting a few hurt squeaks from the woman. “Actually, I have a psych appointment in a couple weeks. So you don’t need to worry.”

He turned to walk away, taking one last look at the trembling woman.

“I’ll see you later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (early af) LAS Saturday! Im uploading at 2am because I work all day and night today ^^; make good choices, kids!


	19. 18 - It's Not my Party (But I'll Cry Anyway)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian's birthday party goes both better and worse than expected.

How the fuck was she meant to face him?

Staring herself in the face, Ash wondered if it was too late to back out. Sebastian’s birthday party was meant to start in just thirty minutes, twenty of which she’d spend walking, and she still felt as unprepared and bare as she had when she’d begun getting ready. 

She’d had time to think and get over what had happened-- with plenty of help from friends, of course. She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he wasn’t implying anything bad. Maybe he really did care.

Only one way to find out.

Taking a strong hit from her vape, Ash walked away from her mirror and over to Pickles, who she’d been showering with affection since the beer bottle incident. She scritched his head lovingly. He squinted happily up at her with big green eyes and somehow, if only for a moment, her fears melted away. 

“I think I can do anything with you by my side, Pickles.” Ash cooed. The tabby let out a content sigh, stretching his big paws a few times before giving one a few licks and rubbing it on the spot Ash had just pet.

Oh.

“Fuck you too!” Ash chuckled, prodding the cat’s sensitive tummy. He huffed, but refused to get up in protest, likely too full of apologetic treats and scraps to move.

“Time to go, hon.” She whispered, trying not to sound afraid. She would be strong. If not for herself, at least for Pickles.

She’d die for that damn cat.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey there, little red!” Sam slurred, sliding to the side so Ash could enter Sebastian’s room. He held a bottle of beer in one hand and Ash couldn’t help but feel a little sick. She wanted to quit drinking but it was just so… easy to access.

“Hey Sam. Where’s birthday boy?” 

“Bathroom, hopefully he isn’t sick already!” The blond laughed, clapping Ash on the back. “I see you brought gifts! Look at you, bein’ all nice and stuff!”

Ash merely smiled in response. Truthfully, drunk men made her a little uneasy. Really uneasy, actually. She sought out Abigail instead, who looked like a goddamn renaissance painting in the corner with a glass of red wine in one hand and her phone in the other.

“You look so cute!” Ash chirped, trying to sound as heterosexual as possible. Abigail laughed, handing Ash her own empty glass.

“You do too! Nice dress. You always look like you’re going somewhere fancy!”

Ash felt her cheeks reddening as she poured herself a mix of pink cranberry juice and pink moscato, something she could drink for hours without getting sick, not to mention the pretty dusty rose color of the mixed liquids. 

“I just love dresses is all.” She said sheepishly, trying not to make it obvious that she had her eye out for Sebastian. 

Speak of the devil.

He waltzed in with his hands in his pockets, the only one not dressed differently than usual. Their gazes met and averted just as quickly.

“Avoiding someone?” Abi whispered. Ash shrugged.

“I have some things to apologize for. Excuse me a moment.” 

She stood, clutching her gifts in hand, and made her way awkwardly to the birthday boy with a sad smile on her face.

“Hey.” Ash said simply, “I got you some goodies. I saw Abi and Sam’s presents already opened so I figured I’d give you mine personally… And apologize.”

She handed him a frozen tear from the mines, something she’d instantly thought he would like upon grabbing it. He lit up almost instantly and she knew she was right.

“I love this!” Sebastian said, “how did you know?”

“Just kinda looks like something you’d be into. This, however,” she pulled a bottle of cranberry vodka from her bag. “This I had a little help from your friends with.”

Sebastian chuckled, turning the bottle over in his hands. 

“Seb…” Ash began, “I acted like an idiot. I think I seriously misunderstood your intentions when you came to my farm, and I’m sorry for that. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have and I don’t want it to affect our… friendship.”

He looked at her for a moment, deep eyes piercing into hers. She felt small when he looked at her that way, but a sick part of her liked it. 

“I’m sorry too.” He said finally. “I think we need to put what happened behind us and… not do the same thing tonight that we did at Abi’s party.” 

Oh.

Okay.

Ash instinctively put on what she knew looked like a horribly fake smile, nodding quickly to hide the tears in her eyes. She ducked away, mumbling something about catching up with Abigail. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wine was not as forgiving as she’d thought it would be. 

For the third time that night, Ash wretched into a toilet bowl. Her head pounded and seared as if a hot iron was skullfucking her. A familiar feeling, living with chronic migraine, but nevertheless an unwelcome one. 

She stood, popping another mint into her mouth. It tasted awful and she swayed on her feet, damn near taking the shower curtain down with her. She stumbled back to Sebastian’s room, ignoring the concerned stares from her friends. The night had drug on, and she mainly stayed next to Abigail, desperately making conversation about the occult and the mines. They made noncommittal plans to mine away, get their nails done, go to a Pagan shop in Zuzu city, et cetera. Just things to fill the silence. 

“I think I need to take you home.” Abi said finally, resting a hand on Ash’s. Two full bottles of wine and a shot of vodka in, Ash was out of fight. She stood. 

The walk home was a blur, and frankly Ash didn’t even remember leaving the party. The night had blurred together after bottle number one. She fumbled with her keys for way too long and somehow Abi let her into her own home and laid her on her own couch.

“You poor thing..” Abigail sighed, petting Ash’s damp hair. The redhead sighed, glazed eyes scanning the floor for a familiar orange lump.

“Where’s m’ cat…” Ash grumbled. Abigail lit up.

“Oh! I’ve never met him, that’s right! Let me find you your kitty.”

She got up and for a brief moment Ash wondered if she’d snuck out of the house, never to be seen again. Abigail returned in a moment, though, touting a very happy Pickles on her hip. 

“Somebody loves me!” The violet haired woman chirped, gingerly placing Pickles next to Ash, who groaned. 

“‘m sorry you had’t see me like this, Pickles” She grumbled, bringing the cat into a bear hug. He protested for a second or two, but laid still against her eventually. He wasn’t purring, but Ash could tell he chose to stay for a moment. For her sake. 

“Sorry you had to see me like this too, Abi” Ash said through a mouthful of cat hair. “I just have a lot of feelings right now and I don’t know how to deal with them.”

A hand rested upon her back and she resisted a harsh shiver. 

“Ash… You have to talk to me.” Abigail sighed. Her hand rubbed small circles on Ash’s back, soothing her aching heart with each little revolution.

“Sebastian and I made out at your party,” Ash began, trying to ignore the way Abi’s rubs slowed for a brief second. “And he thinks it was a mistake and that I would have done it with anybody and he hates me now and-”

“Woah!” Abigail said suddenly, holding her hands up. “That doesn’t sound like Sebastian to me! Tell me what his words were.”

Ash sighed. Nobody understood.

“He said that we shouldn’t do it again… And that he was sorry… And that he didn’t want me to feel weird about it.” 

Abigail paused for a long while.

“He’s looking out for you, Ash.” She said, a hint of sternness in her light voice. “I know Sebastian likes you. I would know better than anyone.”

Ash let out a ragged sob into Pickles’ fur. 

“I’m confused!” She whimpered. “I don’t know what he wants! I don’t fucking know! I don’t know what to do or how to bring it up or if I even should or--”

“Let it happen on its own!” Abigail interrupted. Her hand rested on Ash’s shoulder. 

“Ash,” she began again, “he’s into you. You’re into him. Right now it doesn’t need to be any deeper than that. You can’t force this, and I think right now the best thing you can do for yourself is not put so much thought into it.”

Nobody understood.

She was right, but she didn’t understand.

It wasn’t that fucking easy. It wasn’t as simple as not thinking, or not worrying, or not falling too fast-

“I know.” Ash croaked. She wiped her face on Pickles’ fur, spending the last of the tabby’s patience and sending him hopping to the top of the couch. 

“Why don’t I stay here tonight?” Abi said, “I’m still feeling really drunk and I think we both need the company.”

Ash smiled. She was happy to have this person as a friend.

“I’d love that. Please make yourself at home!”

She stood abruptly.

“Where are you going?” Abigail asked.

“Throwin’ up.” Ash said.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Who’sa good Pickles? You are!”

Ash hobbled back into her living room. Abigail was scratching Pickles behind the ears, cooing lovingly with her face mere centimeters from the confused tabby.

“He is such a good boy!” Ash joined in, giving Pickles some gentle butt spanks. Pickles began chirping happily, arching his back up towards her ginger pats.

“Somebody likes butt pats!” Abi squealed.

They sat like that for a long while, giving Pickles all the love and attention his tiny heart could handle. Somewhere early in the morning they turned on some Netflix, Ash insisting they watch Silence of the Lambs for what had to be her hundredth time, and the girls fell asleep somewhere between their drunken stupor and Hannibal Lecter’s thinly-veiled cannibal jeers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read someone's headcanon that Sebastian loves cranberry juice- I totally agree! I love it myself so naturally I thought that headcanon was really cute. I can't find the original post so if you know who that is, tell me! :3 It was on tumblr! Happy Saturday everyone <3


	20. 19 - Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash finds Sebastian on the pier and tells him how she's feeling.

The pier was quiet.

Calm breezes, cool waters, silence, freedom from the burden of judgemental eyes. This was Sebastian’s place. This was his solace. When riding to Zuzu was not in the cards, he would walk to the pier and think for as long as his heart desired. But eventually he had to go back to town.

And the town was loud.

Maybe not bustling, but loud with the leering eyes of those who didn’t understand, loud with the laughter at the expense of others. Loud with people living and working and greeting each other. 

Sebastian was not a people person.

Sometimes he wasn’t convinced he was a person at all. He felt isolated no matter where he went- even when with his friends. He could not escape the “you-should”s and “why-don’t-you”s. He could not escape the comparisons and thinly veiled insults. He would never be Demetrius’ son, never be Robin’s favorite, never be Maru’s brother. Nothing he did was going to be right to anyone.

…

Except…

He remembered that day she came to him, sweating and weak, and still showed excitement about his job. She’d even acknowledged that it was a job, occasionally asking if he had any work or insisting that he could take a day off from the farm if he had something more important to work on. 

She was special.

She was--

Right there?

“Sebastian?” Came a frazzled voice from behind him. He practically whipped around, eyes blown wide at the sight of her. She wore a floral black dress that reached her knees and clung to her skin beneath the heavy rain, nothing but her trusty black beach hat covering her face. It had begun to rain rather suddenly, he thought, but he’d taken her for someone smart enough to keep up with the weather forecasts.

“Hey,” he said simply. “Come here, there’s room for two.” 

She looked shocked for a moment and he wondered if he’d overstepped some boundary, but she instead scampered up to him and stood beside him under the shelter of his umbrella.

“I was just thinking about you.” He said, unable to look her in the eyes. Sebastian felt oddly confident. 

“I was thinking about you, too.”

“...Ash--”

“No.” She said firmly. He blinked. “Let me say what I need to say.”

Oh.

Oh?

She inhaled deeply and he couldn’t tell between the rain and how dark it was if she was crying or not, but she looked determined.

“I’ve been avoiding you.” Ash began, “And I don’t want to any more. I want to be able to talk to you about how I feel without being afraid. I want to be able to talk to you without feeling tension or awkwardness.”

He knew he looked like a deer in the headlights but this was so, so fast and she looked so determined and almost angry, and he wanted to kiss her right there just to shut her up but he couldn’t-

“Come here.” He choked, holding his arms open. Ash’s blue eyes widened and he couldn’t help but liken them to the nearby sea.

She shuffled into his arms and rested her head against his chest, body sagging a little as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. He knew if he said anything he’d fuck it up, that he would say the wrong words, that he would ruin the moment…

So he let it happen.

She felt warm despite the rain. She would occasionally nuzzle her head closer to him. She felt right in his arms and she smelled like vanilla and fresh rain. 

She made him feel again.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So… See you tomorrow?”

Her smile was sweet, genuine. Full of emotion.

“See you tomorrow, Sebastian. Thanks for walking me home.”

Sebastian shrugged. They looked at each other for a moment and he wondered if she’d kiss him, but she merely gave him another hug before heading inside.

_ Tease. _

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was strange to feel.

After spending so long being cold, warmth felt foreign. Not unwelcome, but definitely out of place within him. It was weird to see the world in a different light again. Like his bedroom had color once more, or the smiling faces of others weren’t so dark. He still had that darkness within him, and likely always would, but pining always made him feel right for a while.

He didn’t know if it was her or the therapy or a combination of the two, but he didn’t want to question it, for fear that it would go away. He’d only gone to four sessions, one every week, and he already felt lighter. He needed someone to listen. Nobody listened. It made him sad that he had to pay someone to listen, but gods, it was nice to be validated. 

It wasn’t so nice when his therapist had suggested that he had avoidant personality disorder.

He’d heard Abigail and Ash talk about personality disorders before, but never knew much about them himself. Sebastian had done some research and felt that he fit the quota, but that only made him more uncomfortable. He wanted to be normal.

_ Stop thinking about it. _

__ He shook his head, opting to grab the joint he’d rolled earlier for himself. As he lit it, he couldn’t help but wonder how Abi and Ash got on that topic.

Did Ash have the same thing as him?

She felt so… Social compared to him. She was always making friends, running gifts and oddities to the residents, even doing favors for them as posted on the help wanted board. There was no way she was as fucked as he was.

_ She’s too good for me. _

__ He shook that thought from his head with a deep inhale. There’s no such thing as leagues, he remembered. No invisible chart that itemizes a person and decides who they can be with.

There was no rule saying he couldn’t be with her if he wanted to.

…

Did he want to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy LASaturday! Im absolutely dead tired from work so I don't really have anything witty to say. I hope you're all staying safe and healthy!


	21. 20 - Feast of the Winter Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash has some friends over for the Valley's favorite winter holiday.

Though the Feast of the Winter Star was not a part of Ash’s religion, she still sought to celebrate like it was.

She’d been up all day preparing food, baked goods, and decor for her party. Nothing too extravagant, as the town was full to bursting after the communal dinner, but something to tide everyone over for the night. Her best friend had driven from far, far away to be there, along with another good friend named Pumpkin from back in Zuzu. Pumpkin was the only friend Ash had had at Joja Corp., and she wanted to use today as an excuse to convince her and Sarah to move to the farm.

Sarah walked out in her pajamas, a cute night shirt featuring Garfield the cat, and cocked her head at the sight before her.

“You did all this yourself?” She marveled, taking in the sight of Ash’s decorations and food. The taller woman nodded excitedly, taking a peek into her bedroom which had been converted into a sleepover spot for the three of them.

“Pumpkin still asleep? I wanna show her, too!” 

Sarah nodded.

“She’s still in a food coma. I was, too, until mister Pickles decided to walk across my boobs while I slept.”

Ash chuckled. Pickles was an avid lover of all things inconvenient, including stepping on squishy bits or making himself comfortable atop Ash’s computer keyboard. 

“People will be arriving in a couple of hours,” Ash said thoughtfully, taking a final once-over of her work. “We should start getting ready anyhow. I’ll wake up Pumpkin if you wanna put on some music!”

Sarah grinned eagerly.

“ _ Please _ nothing too intense, nobody wants to wake up to dubstep!”

“Fine!”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything was going according to plan.

Ash’s closest friends had all arrived just about on time, save for Shane, who was about ten minutes late. Everyone seemed to be enjoying their food and making good conversation. Ash had had fun finally introducing her friends to each other, too!

She had insisted that everyone exchange gifts at their own leisure, which appeared to be going well. She had gone all out with gifts this year-- which made her incredibly happy. She’d received a massive plush of a raccoon, her favorite animal, from Sarah, while Pumpkin was kind enough to give her a tabletop figure of an Enderman from Minecraft. Looking up from her drink (a “Spectre shot”, involving Fireball and Coke), she saw Sebastian approaching her with a little box in-hand.

“Happy.. What do you celebrate again?”

“Yule.” Ash chuckled, gingerly accepting the box from him. She opened the package to reveal a large chunk of raw amethyst.

“Sebastian!” She gasped, heart caught in her throat. “It’s stunning!”

He shrugged, but the blush on his cheeks gave him away.

“I had Abigail bless it… Whatever that entails.” 

Ash blinked away some happy tears, opting instead to deliver a quick peck to Sebastian’s cheek.

“I love it. This was so incredibly sweet of you!”

Sebastian sputtered for a moment, cheeks now blazing red, and Ash found herself beginning to flush.

“I-I kiss my friends, sorry! Force of habit! Here--” She grabbed a nearby Sarah by the arm and pecked her lips, eliciting a happy noise from her rather tipsy pal. “See?”

Sebastian fiddled with the strings of his hoodie. 

“Um, here! I got you this!” She ran to the present table and plucked a box wrapped in gold paper and green ribbon.

He tentatively opened the package, mumbling something about her wrapping skills besting his, before unraveling the Solarion Chronicles poster inside.

“Ash!” He exclaimed, eyes blown wide. “I’ve been looking everywhere for this!”

“I’ve had it on pre-order since before your birthday. I thought it would get here in time for that, but it never did… So now it’s your Yule present!”

Sebastian was… smiling. Like, genuinely, truly smiling. His eyes shone and he just  _ smiled _ with his teeth and everything and oh gods, Ash wanted to make him smile like that forever--

“You must be rolling in gifts at this point, since your birthday was recent.”

Sebastian laughed, earnestly laughed with her and she noticed the little spattering of freckles on his face.  _ Oh gods. _

__ “You know me better than my own family,” he joked. “They got me a game for a console I don’t even own.”

Ash made a face. How could they care so little about him? 

“If it helps, my parents got me a treadmill one year.”

“Ouch!” Sebastian laughed again and it was like music to her ears. She wanted to make him laugh every day, she wanted to see his smile and press her lips against his--

“Hey, Ash!” Came a happy voice from her left side. Ash almost jumped out of her skin and she couldn’t help but wonder how long she’d been staring into space.

“I got you something for Pickles, too!” Pumpkin said, her voice grounding Ash once more. She smiled, holding out her hands and closing her eyes. Something soft and fuzzy was placed into her hands and she gasped. It was a sweater!

“Pumpkin!” Ash squealed, trying her best not to flap her hands excitedly. “This is gonna look so darling on him! Come watch me put it on!”

She hopped up on the couch, alcoholic courage surging through her body.

“Everyone! Come watch me put a sweater on my cat!”

A few cheers and hollers came from the small group, even a happy, hearty laugh from Shane. Ash ran to her bedroom and scooped Pickles from her bed, putting the sweater on him carefully. Her friends marveled at the sight and some even proceeded to take pictures—

Until Pickles hacked up a hairball onto the floor. 

“Sorry guys!” Ash squeaked, “I think somebody had too many holiday treats!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Featuring cameos from my friends Sarah and Pumpkin (pizzasteveofficial and egaddette on tumblr respectively)! I hope you all enjoy this lighter chapter. Sorry for posting past my typical Saturday time-- I worked an eight hour shift today and ended up snoozing right after work ^^;


	22. 21 - Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian needs space. He seeks help from his friends and learns a thing or two about his own feelings.

His phone dinged for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

Sebastian cringed, electing to ignore this text. He had been receiving them all day, keeping up mundane conversation with her since he’d woken up. 

He needed space.

It almost scared him, how close he and Ash were growing, and his patience was beginning to fray. He wasn’t ready for a full-blown relationship just yet, as selfish as he thought it seemed. He wondered if he was leading her on at all.

_ What did that kiss mean? _

__ Sebastian thought back to the softness of her lips against his cheek, how chaste and quick it had been, how much adoration he’d felt behind it. It made him nervous. He truly did have feelings for Ash, but he wanted to take things slow at the moment. He had a habit of taking things too quickly simply for the rush and then being left with destruction and ruin in its wake. His dating history wasn’t exactly extensive-- mostly filled with a couple of long-distance flings from neighboring cities that he’d go to see on weekends until his bank account and emotions had dried up. 

_ I’m not good at this. _

__ He cringed, wondering if Ash would be the same. She was so… tender. Soft, caring, easy to break. He didn’t want to lose these feelings for her. He didn’t want the little flame in his heart to burn out again. Most of all, he didn’t want to be the one to break her.

_ I have to talk to someone about this. _

Standing from his bed, Sebastian grabbed his phone without a second thought, shooting Sam a quick courtesy text to signal his impending arrival. He didn’t have to be alone with his thoughts. He knew he could reach out if he needed to. People cared about him.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You worry way too much, dude!” Sam exclaimed. Sebastian sighed. Suddenly reaching out seemed like a shitty idea…

“I can’t fucking help it!” He groaned, putting his head in his hands. “What if she thinks we’re a couple?”

Sam let out an annoyed huff.

“Stop trying to ruin something that hasn’t even begun, you weirdo!” The blond said, looking up from his phone to shoot Sebastian a glare. “You don’t exactly have a lot of options here, and long-distance dating isn’t good for you, so why not give her a shot? What’s the worst that can happen?”

…

_ What’s the worst that can happen?! _

__ “We grow apart,” Sebastian began, his thoughts spilling unfiltered from his lips. “She ends up hating me, I get cold glares across town every day, people talk behind our backs, I have another failed relationship in my history, I lose my ambition and never date again and end up alone while you and Abigail get married and leave me--”

“Ew, dude!” Sam interrupted, “Calm the hell down! I’m not marrying Abi, first off, and second you’re  _ way _ out of line! Just because that  _ can _ happen doesn’t mean it  _ will. _ ”

Sebastian’s shoulders slumped. He felt himself welling up from all of the intense emotions hitting him at once. Sam’s hardened gaze softened and he rested a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” he began, “I’m sorry. I know you can’t help but overthink. You’ve been through a lot… I just want you to be happy, and I think she might help you with that, yknow?” 

Sebastian nodded. So far she was a positive force in his life, despite being a little clingy, and he didn’t want that to go away. Not yet. Not ever.

She was a breath of fresh air in their oh-so-routine town. She brought life back to Scarlet Farm, and cultivated his dead heart in its wake. He didn’t want that to go away. 

His phone went off again and this time he read it, something about appreciating his help on the farm and his friendship.

_ Friendship. Thank god. _

__ “I just feel like when me and Abi dated, nothing changed.” Sebastian began. “I want that again. A friendship that grows into a little more.”

Sam shrugged, clearly more interested in whatever was on his phone. It looked like…

“How are things with Penny?” Sebastian spat, rolling his eyes at the hearts next to her name on his phone. Sam sputtered.

“W-what things?! There are no things!” 

Sebastian stared blankly at Sam.

“M’kay.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking to Abigail proved to be slightly more helpful, albeit more scornful.

“You can’t back out of this now!” She insisted, “nothing has even happened yet.”

He knew. He knew all of this already, but he just wanted an easy way out. He wanted an answer. He wanted to know if things were gonna work out or fall apart so he didn’t have to dive in blind. 

He knew.

“Maybe I’ll talk to my therapist about it.” He mumbled, head in his hands. 

“See, there you go! I’m sure he’ll tell you the same thing. You just need to give her a chance if you have those feelings for her, Seb.” 

Abi placed a comforting hand on his back and, for the first time since their relationship ended, he didn’t instantly wriggle away from her touch. She smiled.

“Take things slow,” she began, “but take things nonetheless. Clearly you like her, and she likes you too.” 

Sebastian nodded thoughtfully. 

“And Sebastian,” Abi said, taking her hand from his back. “Please keep your happiness first. If you ever feel like you aren’t benefiting any more, it’s okay to back out then.”

He smiled a little. Somehow, through everything they’d been through, Abigail always knew what to say to put him at ease. She was his rock, in the most platonic way. 

His phone buzzed again and he knew what he had to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for missing LASaturday again guys! I worked all day and fell asleep ^^; again,,, that won't happen next week tho bc I'm off! Woop! OwO <3


	23. 22 - Intervention*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ash bond over chickens and barbecue chips. *TW mentions of suicide, suicidal ideation, very slight NSFW mentions

Some days, she wondered if she was cut out for farm life.

Gazing upon her bandaged leg, Ash couldn’t help but think this life was never meant for her. Earning a living was hard enough, but being responsible for a dozen feathery lives and countless plant ones on top of her own made it so much worse. In a fit of desperation, she’d decided to spelunk in the mines, and when she’d just lost track of how many dozens of floors she’d surpassed, she fell over a rock and twisted an ankle. 

Harvey, as kind of a man he was, became quite stern with her, pointing out how irresponsible she’d been to go into the mines in the first place, let alone with nobody to help her. She was lucky, he’d said, that Linus heard her cries for help. He was right of course, but she couldn’t help but let her mind wander a little every time Harvey rambled to her. Something about that dad bod…

_ Jesus. _

__ Ash shook those thoughts from her head, ignoring the heat in her cheeks. Think about your chickens, she thought. Those aren’t erotic. Not like the good doctor’s warm touch against her aching bones-

_ WHAT THE FUCK. _

__ Ash wheezed a little, forcing herself to sit up on her couch. Shane would be here soon. That’d distract her. 

She checked her phone, disappointed to find it unbothered once more. She’d sent a nice little text to Sebastian about Pickles’ love for the amethyst he’d given her. Sebastian had been distant lately, only replying a couple of times a day, if that. She still bared through Solarian night every week just to get a chance to talk to him more. Not to mention their Fridays at the saloon. But something felt… off.

The doorbell rang.

“It’s me.” Came a familiar voice. Shane trudged in, a basket of fresh eggs in hand. “Chickens ’re fed.”

Ash smiled kindly, impressed with his timing. Shane always seemed to be there when she needed him, a far cry from how he treated her when they first met.

“Seems like just yesterday you were making me cry every time we spoke,” she chuckled. “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen that isn’t a Redbull, my dude. Let’s hang.”

He rummaged through her cabinets for a moment before retrieving a bag of barbecue chips. Not her favorite, but they reminded her of her childhood. He could definitely have those. Shane took a seat beside her on the couch and Ash quickly realized that he was very,  _ very  _ close.

“S-so,” she began nervously, too shy to scoot away. “How were the chickens?”

“Good.” Shane grumbled past a mouthful of chips, flicking thru the TV.  _ I guess I wasn’t really watching that anyway? _

__ “Er… Sebastian’s been acting kinda weird.”

He shifted a little. Why did he look upset?

“Yeah, it’s weird! He’s been really distant,” She continued, still anxious. “He’s been getting therapy, though. Have you uh…”

Oh she didn’t like that side-eye.

“... Ever thought about… that?”

Shane sighed, slumping back into the couch.

“No.” He said flatly. “I don’t need anybody else telling me how fucked up I am.”

Ash stared at him for a moment, feeling hot tears welling up in her eyes.  _ Just like old times. _

“Shane--”

“Oh fuck I didn’t mean to make you cry--”

“I found you half dead at Marnie’s!” She shouted suddenly, tears forming tiny rivers on her cheeks. “You think it was easy for me to hear you talk about killing yourself? Or to see you on the floor that fucking drunk?”

Shane stared at her like a deer in the headlights, clearly unsure of how to respond to the sudden outburst. 

“I never said I’d kill myself--”

“You insinuated it!” Sobs wracked her aching body and she fell forward into him, letting his strong arms wrap around her as she cried. “I’ve been there, Shane, and I don’t want you to go any deeper!”

They sat like that for a long while, him petting her hair while she cried, not just for him but for every other thing in her life. She cried for what seemed like an eternity, all of her pent up emotions leaving her body in the form of tears on his shoulder.

“Hey… Come on, kiddo.” Shane said gently, prying her from him for a moment. She looked up at him and swore she saw him lean further for a second and he must have seen the panic in her eyes, because he stopped very suddenly. 

“Er… Hey. It’s gonna be okay. Why are you so worried about me anyway?”

Ash sniffled, scooting closer so that she could rest her head on his chest. 

“Because you’re my friend.” She whimpered. “And I see so much of myself in you. I want to help and you won’t let me because you think you need to be cold and callous so nobody will save you.” 

Shane sighed, holding her close. He mumbled something incoherent.

“Will you stop crying if I promise to tell you next time I’m upset?”

Ash sniffled.

“I’m a crier.” She whined. “But yes, I will.”

There was a long pause.

“Then I’ll tell you. So please… I can feel your tears through both my shirts, dude.”

Ash laughed, pulling away from him. 

“You’re a good friend, Shane. Here,” she handed him a small wad of cash. He opened his mouth to protest, but ultimately decided to pocket the money.

“Sounds like you’re paying me to be your friend when you do it like that.” Shane chuckled. Ash merely shrugged.

“If that’s what it came to, I’d do it. Now give me my remote back, dickwad!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! This chapter was a little self indulgent (as if the whole fic isn't...), I just really wanted to show more of Shane and Ash's friendship! ^_^ I really love Shane as a character and I relate to him a lot. I'm excited to have him as a part of my story. I hope you all have a wonderful week! I'll be leaving to go see my best friend (Sarah, as mentioned in this fic!) and my boyfriend in Connecticut so I will miss next LASaturday. C:


	24. 23 - Opening Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Ash open up to each other in the forest.

Sebastian was tired of thinking.

Tired of thinking about his future, tired of thinking about his career, tired of thinking about his life and his feelings and his mental state. But maybe he didn’t have to think about all of that.

He could sort out his feelings.

She’d responded quickly when he asked her out, as she usually did. Their date was scheduled for the evening in Cindersap Forest; likely the only place they could get away with being alone. No wandering eyes, sly smiles, or poorly hidden whispers from the townsfolk. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was two minutes late.

Trying to seem casual, and like he hadn’t had to power-walk to the forest after spending way too long getting ready (it’s been awhile), Sebastian strode up to Ash. She had laid out a blanket for them, along with a basket full of what appeared to be food and drink. Why hadn’t he thought of that?!

“You came prepared.” He said, instantly cursing himself for the stupid comment.

“I always do.” She replied simply.

She looked nice, but like she had purposely tried not to overdo it. She wore a yellow dress with blue flowers, and what looked like some kind of misshapen pentagram on a necklace, the same one she had tattooed below her collarbone. She looked nice, but Sebastian had to try to keep his eyes away from the way her dress fell to her mid-thigh.  _ Oof. _

__ He probably should have dressed up.

Feeling sheepish in his hoodie and jeans, Sebastian sat on the blanket with her. She laid out a simple dinner of sandwiches, chips, and soda. Joja Cola for her and, presumably, an orange soda for himself. She looked nice, and Sebastian couldn’t stop reminding himself of that.

He also couldn’t stop reminding himself, as he awkwardly accepted the plate she put together for him, that he hadn’t prepared any conversation topics. 

“How has work been?” She said finally, a knowing smile played upon her lips.  _ Fucking hell. _

__ “Good.” He lied, “Couple of really interesting projects.”

He was assigned to code a website featuring assorted bar soaps and hand creams for an Etsy seller who made it big. Not his idea of interesting, but she probably would have found it so. Therefore, he wasn’t technically lying. 

“Nice!” Ash said, and she looked… Genuine? He wasn’t used to that when talking about his programming. “How are things at home?” 

Oh.

Truthfully, things had been better since he’d started seeking therapy and working on the farm. Robin and Demetrius seemed to be off his back with regards to their lectures, as if manual and emotional labor paid tax towards being bitched at. Maru had also been nicer, granted she was never rude in the first place, but she seemed to see him in a different light lately.

“It’s been… Really good, actually.” He marveled, as if just realizing this. “I think therapy is paying off.”

Ash beamed. She looked genuinely, really proud and even clasped her hands together and oh god she looked cute when she did that-

“That’s great to hear, Seb! What do you usually talk about? Don’t worry, I’ve been in therapy before!”

Sebastian paused for a long while. 

“My dad.”

Ash paused for a long while.

“Me too.”

She fiddled with her half-eaten sandwich for a moment, pondering what to say. He didn’t mind talking to her, oddly enough. He didn’t mind the questions or opening up. Not too much, anyway.

“Tell me about him.”

_ There it is. _

__ Sebastian honestly didn’t remember much about his father. Robin had met Demetrius when he was fairly young, and they had their blessed Maru soon after, so he never truly had a father figure that cared much.

“He was distant.” Sebastian began. “I remember we never spent much time together, and he and my mom argued a lot. They never screamed at each other or anything like that, it was just… Like they didn’t get along, or they weren’t even together. I think they were seeing people behind each others’ backs for a while, because my mom and Demetrius had Maru pretty quick.”

Ash raised her eyebrows.

“Sounds like a lot for a kid to handle,” she said, cracking open her Joja Cola. “I’m sorry you had to see all that.”

Sebastian shrugged. To be honest, he’d accepted it a long time ago. His dad reached out on holidays, but he’d stopped responding. He had a new family now, just like Robin and Demetrius. He didn’t even really call him his father anymore unless it was to be cordial. The man was just… Bryan. 

“What about yours?”

Ash stopped for a second, her eyes blowing wide. He panicked for a moment, wondering if he’d touched a nerve, before she set her plate down. She looked tired. 

“He was a strange man.” She said. “Only really cared about himself. He lied a lot. My parents  _ were _ the screaming match type. He’s… not in my life any more.”

Sebastian nodded. That explains why she paled so badly when she likened his own bike to her father’s… He chewed his lip, wondering if that would be a problem later on.

“I uh, I actually mentioned you to my therapist.” Sweet jesus, why did he say that?! It was the first thing that came to his mind and she looked elated but god, holy hell, what if that was a major fuck up? How creepy was that? ‘I mentioned you to my therapist’?! Who says that?

“That’s so sweet!” She chirped. “What did you say?”

OH NO.

OH  _ HELL _ NO.

“Just that you were a good, close new friend of mine.” He lied. Truthfully his feelings about Ash had come up many a time. Did she look disappointed?

“Nice!” She said simply. There was silence again for a moment. He didn’t mind it. She ate her sandwich with tiny bites and looked off to the skyline, blue eyes illuminated by the setting sun. She looked nice.

“What was it like in Zuzu?” Sebastian asked suddenly, picking at his chips. Ash seemed surprised, as if she’d forgotten he was there.

“Oh… Very busy. Lots of hustle and bustle.” She toyed with her soda can. “Everyone is kinda rude, too. And the air quality isn’t good.”

Sounds manageable. Sebastian liked to keep to himself, so rudeness didn’t bug him much. Clearly it didn’t bother her either, since she was friends with Shane. In the distance, a bird sang. 

“Your friends seemed nice, at least.” The air was crisp, a breeze blowing through their hair occasionally.

“Well Sarah isn’t from Zuzu, she flew in from Connecticut.” Ash twirled a piece of hair around her finger. “I’ve known her for ten years, and Pumpkin for a couple.”

Her friends had seemed nice enough. Sarah was definitely a lot like Ash, but more outspoken and boisterous. Pumpkin definitely had their sense of humor, but was quieter than even Ash. Overall they made a great little trio, much like Sebastian and his friends before Ash came along. He wondered if her friend group and his would mesh once the two others moved to the farm. A distant cow’s moo shook him from his thoughts.

“I had a therapist back in Zuzu,” she said suddenly. “She was amazing. But I can’t drive, so I had to stop seeing her.”

Sebastian nodded. He didn’t see Ash as the driving type anyway. There wasn’t really a need for it in Pelican Town, on top of that; not unless you planned on doing some serious shopping at Joja Mart. The sun was nearly set.

“It’s getting kinda dark.” Sebastian observed. Ash nodded.

“We can get going then. Before it gets too dark.” 

Sebastian nodded, making note of how the dissipating sunlight made her skin glow. She looked so fucking nice.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Thanks for walking me home. You really didn’t have to do that.” 

Ash shrugged. 

“I didn’t want you walking down that weird path between our houses alone. I walk it all the time, I know it by heart.”

Sebastian quirked a brow. Did she go to the mines that often? She’d mentioned something about injuring her leg there, but he hadn’t thought it was a habit of hers. 

God, she looked good.

She stared at him expectantly past heavy lashes and he wanted to kiss her so badly but he just  _ couldn’t _ , because he was still processing and he needed time to think his feelings through. So he hugged her. And she seemed satisfied. 

“Good night, Sebastian!”

“Good night, Ash.”

He hated to watch her leave, but with free time to catch a glimpse of that cheeky mid-thigh hem on her dress, he loved to watch her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy LASaturday! This chapter made my heart all fuzzy ;w; I missed yall when I was on vacation!


	25. 24 - Redolent*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash learns about the bouquet tradition. Ash also remembers things she'd kept buried. (TWs for PTSD, flashbacks, self injury, brief nsfw mentions)

“... And then I walked him home.”

Ash sighed, exhausted from telling each little detail of yesterday’s date to Abigail. She heard a series of excited little noises from the other line.

“Did he kiss you?”

“No.”

“Well he should have!” 

A blush formed on Ash’s cheeks. What if they had kissed? Would it have been quick? Would he have lingered? Would had it have been hot and heavy and involved his hand wrapped around her throat and a breathy invite to sneak inside with him--

“Ash? Hey, I said do you know about the bouquet tradition?”

Ash blinked. Bouquet tradition…?

“No…”

Abi gasped. 

“Okay, so in Pelican Town, when you want to see someone exclusively, you give them a bouquet. You can buy them from my dad’s shop! We have nice ones!”

She paused. Could you not just… Ask? To be someone’s girlfriend? Even so, were they there yet? They’d only gone on one date, and it wasn’t even worded as being a date, frankly. 

“I’ll keep that in mind… I’m gonna let you go, Abi, I have to go mining before it gets too warm out.”

She wasn’t technically lying but, in all honesty, she needed a break from the Sebastian talk for a moment. She didn’t want to get her hopes up. He had yet to respond to her text from that morning, which was usually a bad sign from her experience. Grabbing her pickaxe from its perch next to the door, Ash set off for the mines.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She should have never taken the long way to the mines.

She’d convinced herself that she needed the exercise, and that a walk through the city would do her some good. It only added another twenty minutes to her walk, she thought, and that certainly wasn’t so bad.

Until the good doctor came her way.

“Ashtyn Spectre!” He drawled, voice heavy with disapproval. Ash cringed. “I know I do not see a pickaxe in that sack of yours!”

Ash tried to think of a way to get herself out of this but found herself frozen under the doctor’s deep emerald gaze. His mouth was set in a disappointed frown and he crossed his arms, quirking a brow as if expecting some sort of valid response, but gods he just looked so good and Ash’s brain was mush--

“I uh. I don’t have an excuse for that, sir.” Ash said stupidly. Harvey tutted at her, shaking his head.  _ Why am I turned on right now? _

__ “Ash, you know good and well that those mines are dangerous! I enjoy having business, but not when it means the townsfolk are getting injured. You could die!”

Ash found her mind wandering again as he rambled on, his listings of all the ways she could meet her demise in the mines turning to an erotic waking dream…

_ “I’m sick, doctor.” Ash breathed, watching him intently. “I need you to fix me.” _

__ _ Harvey looked over her bare form as she strained against the leather cuffs binding her to the hospital bed.  _

__ _ “Female hysteria is incredibly common in women your age.” He said carefully, each word thick with southern charm. “Luckily for you I’ve been trained in making all those little pains and aches fade away.”  _

__ “Ash!” 

She nearly yelped in surprise at the man’s impatient fingers snapping, her dream cut short in the worst way.

“I-I’m listening!” She whined. Gods, she needed a shower now. A cold, freezing, sobering shower. “Death and destruction, mines bad, farm good, stick to my pill schedule, cut back on the caffeine. I got it!”

Harvey sighed.

“Be careful with yourself, Ashtyn!” He insisted, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  _ Fuck, she had it bad. _

__ As he walked past her, Ash caught the scent of his cologne. It smelled… Familiar.

Too familiar.

Suddenly she was not in Pelican Town, she was home in Zuzu handing her dad a package wrapped in green and a red ribbon. She was ten years old. He unwrapped the present and pulled from it a gold box with a bottle of amber liquid inside. His favorite. He wore it every day. He loved it. He pulled her in for a hug and told her how much he loved her, what a great daughter she was, how she was perfect. 

Ash ran home.

She ran until her lungs were aflame and her breaths shook, she ran until her legs turned to jelly and her blood ran cold. She ran inside and into the bathroom, running the water as cold as it would go and jumping inside without removing her clothes. She collapsed to the chipped porcelain floor and she screamed. She screamed where nobody would hear her, nobody would hurt her, she screamed until her heart beat in her throat and she couldn’t feel anything but cold. 

She screamed until she passed out.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ash awoke some time later, gods know when. The water on her skin had turned from ice to room temperature in that time. She was alone on the bathroom floor next to the tub, the water shut off and a towel draped around her shivering body. She felt hot tears run down her face and realized she was crying. So she cried. She cried and tried to scream but nothing came out. She wrapped the towel tightly around her form like a protective shell, a barrier between herself and the horrors of her own memory. 

The memories came flooding back and she couldn’t stop them. The screaming, the constant fear, the manipulation and abuse and constant negative reinforcement, her dad’s voice in her ear--

She didn’t want this.

Rearing her head back like a deranged animal, Ash slammed it into the hard porcelain sink.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She awoke again in her bed.

She was in a new set of clothes, her old ones laid out on the floor to dry. She vaguely remembered hands that she couldn’t control picking out an outfit for her, and a voice that only sounded like hers saying she should be more careful. It was only then she realized that it was a new day; the sun much higher in the sky than it had been when she’d come home from the town center.

Ash had chickens to feed.

She sat up in bed and her head throbbed and spun, a pained cry escaping her lips. She held her head for a long while and wondered if it was all worth it. Either she had a retail job where she wasn’t allowed to call off, a corporate job where her absences counted strongly against her, or a farm job in which she was solely responsible for her own income. It was all too much.

But she could ask for help.

Reaching blindly for her phone, Ash quickly turned the brightness down as low as it would go. She dialed a familiar number and waited.

“Ash?” Came a groggy voice from the other line. “It’s eight in the morning, what are y--”

“Come over.” She rasped. “I hurt myself last night and now I have a huge migraine. I’ll explain when you’re here.”

There was a short pause.

“You sound like shit.” Sebastian grumbled, “I’ll be over in a few.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a darker chapter, please be safe! I hope you're all doing well. I recently closed on a house with my boyfriend so that's exciting! I'm gonna be moving from Illinois to Connecticut. I hope this happy news levels out the darkness of this chapter :)


	26. 25 - Her Diamonds*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash opens up about her health. (TWs for PTSD, implied child abuse, and depression talk.)

The farmhouse was dark upon his arrival.

He practically tiptoed in, attempting to be as quiet as possible as to not provoke her aforementioned migraine. The front door squeaked a little as he shut it and he cringed. A furry body rubbed against his leg as he carefully stepped through the threshold, walking towards Ash’s room with his tail held high as if leading him to his sick owner.

“In here.” Came an almost unfamiliar voice. She sounded pained, voice deep and raspy with agony.

Sebastian crept into her room. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness with the help of what little sunlight shone through the blinds. He sat cautiously on the edge of the bed.

“What happened?” He spoke lowly. Ash slowly sat up, a hand clutching her head and her teeth bared.

“Sweet jesus… Um, this is gonna be a long story.” Her words were slurring… Was she drunk? At this hour?! “Just bear with me.”

Sebastian nodded, signaling for her to continue.

“I… I have PTSD. Like, the real, diagnosed shit. Not gonna explain why. But yesterday afternoon I got triggered really badly by something, and to make it long story short I accidentally hit my head and had a seizure… Which is also a thing that happens. They’re non-epileptic so I can handle myself, I just… I woke up with a really bad migraine and I can’t get out of bed and I don’t want my chickens to die and--”

“Woah, easy kiddo!” Sebastian soothed, placing a gentle hand on her arm. She was breathing quickly and her skin felt a little too warm. “I’ll do whatever you need me to do, okay? I’m not worried about that, I’m worried about…” 

He bit his lip. That was gonna be a lot to say.

“I’m worried about you. I won’t make you talk about it, but can you tell me more about this? I had no idea you had so much going on, dude…”

Ash let out a deep sigh.

“I… It’s because of my dad.” She choked. “The PTSD. He was… he wasn’t great. I have chronic migraine and the seizures apparently stem from that, from what I understand. They don’t happen often enough to get properly diagnosed.”

She was crying now, little tears spilling over each time she blinked. Sebastian felt his heart breaking for her. How could someone suffering so much live alone  _ and _ care for a farm? He felt so many emotions at once that it was becoming hard to handle-- rage at the person who treated her so badly, despair for her poor health, sadness for her mental state. Above it all, he was glad Ash was even alive. That felt strange to him.

Sebastian shuffled closer to her, bringing her shaking body into his. His arms felt right around her, he thought, especially when she was breaking down. Sobs wracked through her and he felt helpless. 

“Look at me.” He said, gingerly tilting her aching head to meet his gaze. “I’ll be here when you need me. You have me, Sam, Abigail, Shane… This whole fucking town is rooting for you, Ash. There isn’t a person here that wouldn’t jump to help you, because we know you’d do the same.”

Her soft face contorted with another harsh sob. He rubbed a hand along her spine. Even Pickles hopped up on the bed, a concerned look on his little orange face. Ash brought him into her lap, giving his soft, short fur a gentle brush with her fingertips. 

In a way, it comforted him to know that she was as fucked as he was, if not moreso. For too long he’d heard things like “just don’t think about it!”, or “don’t let it get to you”. Frankly, it was exhausting. It would be nice, he thought, to have someone who understood that he couldn’t simply wish his depression away.

“I’m gonna go feed your chickens.” Sebastian said once her sobs had died down to sniffles. “I’ll water the plants, and milk the cow, and… Whatever else you need me to do. Okay?” 

Ash looked up at him with watery eyes. 

“Okay.” She whimpered.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian laid in bed, exhausted from a long day of work. He’d found an extra 50g laying on the porch for him, along with a can of soda and a sandwich.

…

He wondered if she’d be willing to grow weed on her farm.

Shaking that thought from his head, Sebastian threw the sandwich wrapper into his trash basket and pulled Spotify up on his phone. 

_ Oh what the hell, she says _

__ _ I just can’t win for losing. _

__ _ And she lays back down. _

__ Oh.

That’s… Eerie. 

Sebastian laid there and stared at the ceiling, letting the song play. He wondered if it was a sign. He believed in that kind of shit, alternate meanings and signs and destiny. He didn’t want to, but it was hard for him to believe that a single person could control their own life. Things that should work out end up falling apart, things that should collapse stay put. Bad things happened to good people and evil people got to live well… Men that leave their kids get a second chance with a better family and the child he left behind gets depression and a personality disorder. 

He found himself wiping away idle tears in his eyes, deciding that he was too deep in his thoughts again.

_ And she says, oh, _

_ I can't take no more _

_ Her tears like diamonds on the floor _

_ And her diamonds bring me down. _

The world was funny in the way that it dealt unlucky cards to kind people.

“Stop that.” He said out loud, sitting up abruptly. Too many thoughts. Too much. He grabbed his cigarettes and stormed out the door.

_ By the light of the moon _

_ She rubs her eyes, _

_ Sits down on the bed and starts to cry _

_ And there's something less about her, _

_ And I don't know what I'm supposed to do _

_ So I sit down and I cry too _

_ But don't let her see. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little hard to write-- but here we are! 2000 views! I couldn't be happier with all the love I'm getting for my story ^_^ I love and appreciate all of you!!!


	27. 26 - Kindred*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash seeks comfort and takes a wrong turn. (TWs for dissociation, flashbacks)

Bringing the point of her pickaxe down on an innocent rock, Ash wondered where she went wrong.

She’d asked Sebastian out three times now, or at least hinted that she wanted to see him again, and each time he’d avoided her advances. Had she done something wrong back in the forest? Was opening up about her mental health a mistake? Had she let him in too soon?

Placing each piece of rock into her backpack, she wondered what the tipping point must have been. The moment when Sebastian decided that she was a mistake, that their seemingly mutual pining was a thing of the past. Deep down Ash knew it was too soon to think the worst, but it was all she knew how to do any more. 

Wiping the sweat from her brow, she decided it was time to take a cold shower and head to the saloon. Surely  _ someone _ would be there for her to drunkenly place her problems on.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ash walked through the door to the saloon to find it as bustling as it usually was-- Pam and Leah at their regular places, Harvey grabbing a coffee to-go (could he not just make it himself?), and Shane finding escape from his retail hell at the bottom of a glass. 

She decided to spare Shane for the night, instead opting to speak with Leah. Maybe an outside, unbiased source was the way to go? Ordering a vodka cranberry, she set off toward the ginger woman.

“Hey Leah! How goes your sculpture?”

“Not bad!” She replied, her cloudy blue eyes twinkling. “Find any cool driftwood for me?”

Ash chuckled nervously. Truth be told, she wasn’t much of a fisher at all. Even with all her determination she couldn’t get the damn fish to bite. 

“Not yet,” she said anxiously, taking a sip of her drink. “I’ll bring it over as soon as I find some!”

Finding that the conversation had gone stale, Ash decided it may be best to bother Shane after all. She preferred to stay in her group of friends for a reason. The townsfolk were nice, but Ash got along much better with those who rejected Pelican Town’s norm.

“Hey there!” Ash chirped, hopping onto the barstool next to Shane’s. He grumbled in response.

“Hey, I said hello to you, mister grumpy-pants. Tough day at work?” She gently poked at his arm and watched his glazed eyes lazily slide up and down her form.

“Could say the same to you,” He grumbled. “You look exhausted.”

She fidgeted in her seat. Was it that noticeable? Truth be told she had been losing sleep over the Sebastian situation, as well as her trouble with making the farm work… She sighed.

“It’s Sebastian again.” She blurted after a hefty swig of her drink. “We went on a date  and I tried asking him out again and I think it’s because I confided a lot of personal shit to him but he won’t respond to me, he’s been pretty distant again and I wanna know why but I don’t know how to ask, I already sound desperate enough--”

“JESUS.” Shane turned to her with a disgruntled look on his face. “Are you two even dating? You went on one date and you’re letting some kid get you this worked up?”

Ash bit back a defensive remark. Sebastian wasn’t some kid and she wasn’t  _ letting _ him  do anything, he just… was. He had a way of making her heart do backflips and making her stomach churn. He had a way with words and his smile was to die for, she wanted to make him smile forever--

“Just slow your roll. Nobody likes desperation.” Shane mumbled nonchalantly. He took a long drink of his beer, flinching a little afterwards. Ash felt her heart falling to pieces. Why did nobody understand? It wasn’t that easy!

“I just… I like him. And I worry that if I don’t pursue it--”

“How’s that working out for you?”

Ash’s eyes widened. Why was he being so callous? Truthfully he  _ was _ right, but did he have to  _ say it? _

__ She stirred her drink for a moment.

“Why do you get so defensive when I talk to you, Shane?” She said suddenly in a fit of confidence. “I want to be your friend. I don’t have any weird ulterior motives. I wanna be there for you and be whatever kind of friend you really need to improve yourself. So why push me away?”

Shane paused for a long while, staring at nothing in particular. He appeared to be gritting his teeth a little. Ash stared him straight in his dark, dead eyes, unwavering even with his icy gaze.

“I just do. It’s what I know.” He said finally. “You pry too fucking much, Ash. Can’t we talk about something chill for once?”

Ash pinched the bridge of her nose. Chill didn’t get you out from the bottom of a bottle, Shane. Chill doesn’t pull you up from the hole you’ve dug for yourself, Shane. Chill doesn’t get you a better job and a life outside of this saloon, nor does it get you friends who care,  _ Shane. _

__ “I noticed you talking to Pumpkin at my party a while back.” She forced herself to say. She’d been meaning to bring it up for awhile now, but at the moment she wanted to talk about herself, as selfish as it was. Shane perked up and she knew she’d done the right thing. 

“Yeah, she’s really cool actually. She’s like you but… Quieter.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, not like that!” Shane put his hands up defensively. “Anyway, we hit it off but I forgot to grab her number. I’ve been meaning to ask but do you have it? She seems like she’d be cool to talk to. Does that count as improvement?”

Ash blinked. She didn’t expect him to take such a huge leap into progress! With a beaming smile, she chattered the numbers of Pumpkin’s phone number off from her own phone. Shane scrawled them poorly onto his hand-- why he didn’t just put her in his contacts was beyond her-- and took another drink.

“Have I earned some lecture-free conversation time for being a good, social boy?” He asked sarcastically, making a vague hand gesture. Ash furrowed her brows.

“Shane--”

“Fuck’s sake!” He put his head against his hand, the other coming down slightly too forcefully on the table. Ash jumped about a foot in the air, damn near falling off her seat. Shane’s eyes blew wide at her reaction and he put his hands up defensively, the fear in his gaze saying that he knew why she was afraid. 

“I-I didn’t mean-- oh god-” 

Ash felt the world drifting away from her, a soft sob wracking through her body as she shrank away. Emily shot her a concerned gaze, which she turned away from. Shane reached out and she shrank further into herself.

“D-don’t... “ She whimpered. Her brain was a fog now, the reality before her like a mere daydream that could shatter at any moment. She heard sounds and saw colors but nothing made sense, nothing was cohesive, nothing was real except for the hot tears rolling down her cheeks--

Suddenly she was in the air, shock allowing her to see just for a moment, finding that Shane had hoisted her over his shoulder. He hissed something about having too many drinks to a concerned Harvey, and she was gone again past a sea of tears and fog. She was somewhere soft now, though it was a little hard to breathe. Ash came to once again and found herself on the couch in the far room of the saloon, wrapped in a bear hug from a profusely apologizing Shane. 

“... I know what it’s like and I’m so, so sorry…” He was saying, his own voice trembling. “...never, ever hurt you, you’re the only one who understands me here and I’d never…”

Ash blinked once, twice and she was back again. The screams in her head died down to whispers and she heard Shane now, mumbling apologies into her shoulder as he held her from his place on the floor. She put weak arms around him and held him close, finding herself drifting in and out of consciousness, only to be awoken by the saloon doors creaking open.

There was some chatter in the main bar area. Something about her. Something about a panic attack. Something about Shane. 

A familiar figure walked into the gaming area and Ash swore she’d never seen a man’s  face turn from concern to hatred so quickly in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shane's a little silly huh guys 8) please know that these next few chapters will be dark but I have fluff and nice things in mind! You can't have rainbows without a little rain ;)


	28. 27 - Stupor*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian drinks to forget. (TWs for alcoholism, suicidal thoughts, general negativity)

Depression was a sadistic bitch.

Knocking back a third shot of cinnamon whiskey, Sebastian found himself only diving deeper into the depths of his loathing. He hadn’t slept all night, and hadn’t gotten out of bed all day. Why did he have to lie to his therapist? Why would he tell him he was ready to talk when he wasn’t?

Images of his childhood flashed in his mind-- nothing gut wrenching, but shit that he didn’t want to remember. The day his mom packed their things and left the house he’d known his entire life, talking to a social worker about why mommy and daddy were breaking up, his first birthday without his father. It was all too real and too  _ there  _ in his mind.

He had to forget.

He drank straight from the bottle, occasionally stopping to gag or suppress the urge to vomit. Guilt washed over him faster than the alcohol induced blur ever could. This… Was not okay. 

He had to talk to someone. 

Finding his phone beneath a mass of crumpled blankets, he dialed her number. She picked up about two seconds before he would have been put to voicemail, and five seconds after he’d started regretting his decision.

“Seb? What’s going on?” Ash asked. He found the words stuck in his throat.

“... Nothin’.” He said finally. “Jus’ wanted t’see how you were doing.”

She paused for a long while.

“Are you drunk?”

_ SHIT. _

__ “Absolutely not.” Sebastian said in his best sober voice. She huffed.

“Bullshit. What is this about, Sebastian? I’m busy.”  _ Ouch… _

__ “Ne’r mind.” He said flatly. “It’s not important.”

He hung up before she could judge him any further. Nobody fucking got it. Nobody cared about his problems. He should be stronger, smarter, more productive, a better son, a better friend. But he wasn’t.

He needed to escape. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zuzu was ice cold.

Perhaps not in temperature, but in the way it treated its patrons. Everywhere you went someone was giving you a harsh glare, trying to sell you something, or just plain shouldering past you. Sebastian found himself wondering how someone like Ash ever survived in this environment. 

He wondered if she ever went to bars.

Looking around at the dimly-lit room, he just couldn’t imagine her in a place so… Depraved. Men with wandering eyes, women with sly smiles, and all kinds of people who looked like a snake ready to strike. The saloon was much more her style.

Truth be told, it was more Sebastian’s style too. 

When the bartender handed him his third vodka cranberry with little more than a passing glance, he couldn’t help but miss Gus and Emily’s corny banter. Sure it was a pain to sit through, but it beat sitting alone at a bar with nothing to do but think. His thoughts were not good company.

His phone was ever-buzzing, likely with calls from his mom, but he just didn’t care. He had too much to worry about already without having to explain for the umpteenth time that he was an adult and could leave on his own accord. Plus there was no way in hell he’d let his mother hear him this drunk. 

Sipping at his refreshing cocktail, Sebastian thought back to his conversation with Ash. What was she so busy with? Farm work? A book? … Shane? That last thought made him feel ill. She deserved better than that drunken slob. What was with them at the saloon the other night anyhow? Bitter scenarios ran through his mind, something about Shane’s hands in Ash’s hair and how they very well could be alone together at the farm right now, but he shook those thoughts away. They’d been on  _ one date.  _ Ash was not his to be jealous or spiral over. Why had he called her, anyway? What kind of idiot drunkenly calls his… person of interest? Situationship? Not-girlfriend? Whatever she was, it was a stupid idea and now she probably thought  _ he  _ was the drunken slob. 

He couldn’t help but wonder when Ash would get sick of his shit. She seemed like the kind of woman that wanted something solid and tangible. She’d mentioned being a mother someday once. She was already so domestic in her mannerisms-- making him lunch when he worked on the farm, handing out baskets of farm-grown produce to the townsfolk, calling everyone ‘hon’. There was no way she wasn’t growing tired of their back and forth.

He wondered when  _ everyone  _ would get sick of his shit, truthfully. When Abi and Sam would tire of him bringing down conversations with his negativity, when Maru would tire of him being distant and unfriendly, when his mom and Demetrius would tire of him not paying rent and kick him out. He’d probably just drive off a cliff when all that happened.

_ Why not get a head start? _

__ Eyes widening at the thought, Sebastian snapped back to reality. He’d dealt with fleeting suicidal ideation, but it had been a long time since a true suicidal thought had crossed his mind. That was just… grim. He stood immediately, heading to the bathroom to sober up. Enough was enough.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After splashing cold water on his face, Sebastian felt considerably better. Maybe not quite ‘better’ enough to drive home, but better enough that he was no longer thinking… those thoughts. He decided to check his phone.

_ FUCK. _

__ He stared at the missed calls and messages, all from her. They blurred together, mixes of apologies and thinly veiled confessions. He felt himself growing sicker as he skimmed through her words.

  * **Sebastian I am so fucking sorry**


  * Clearly you needed me and I was not there for you.


  * I was an idiot


  * I was talking with my best friend because I already wasn’t in the best mindset and I guess I just misread why you may have been calling


  * Please don’t hate me


  * Sebastian?


  * You always answer your phone


  * Do you hate me?


  * Are you that drunk? Are you alright?


  * I’m so sorry Sebastian please don’t hate me


  * I was so selfish


  * I really want to be there for you if you still need me


  * I always wanna be there for you...


  * Sebastian :(


  * Seb please.. Call me back ok??



He fucked up.

He ignored her.

Rushing back into the stall, he found all of his mistakes coming back up. What was he doing, using alcohol to fix his problems?! He really was no better than Shane… 

He didn’t deserve her. He didn’t deserve anyone.

He needed time to think.

  * _I’m sorry._



Leaving her with that one text, he turned off his phone. He needed time away. There was no way he was gonna be sober enough to drive home any time soon anyway. He needed to be alone and think about his stupid, fucked up actions, and where to go from here.

Picking himself off the bathroom floor, Sebastian trekked to the next door motel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oddly enough I am absolutely PLASTERED posting this chapter. I've never been this drunk. Pls send help. ANYWAY; things are gonna be a tad dark here. I hope my TWs were enough. Please care for yourselves!


	29. 28 - Like a Stone*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (TWs for suicide implied) Ash will wait for him.

_ On a cobweb afternoon _

_ In a room full of emptiness _

Ash huffed with effort as she rounded the corner to the carpentry shop, lungs burning after a long, fear-fueled power walk.

_ By a freeway I confess _

_ I was lost in the pages _

Pulling the door open, she staggered through the threshold, greeted by a blast of warm air. Why the fuck did Robin have the heat on during spring? 

_ Of a book full of death _

_ Reading how we'll die alone _ __

She practically trampled down the stairs, barreling right into… A locked room.

_ And if we're good we'll lay to rest _

_ Anywhere we want to go _

The door was never locked any more.

“Sebastian!” She hollered, aching fists pounding at his door. “Wake up! You and I need to talk!”

A door that was not his creaked open.

_ In your house I long to be _

_ Room by room patiently _

“He’s been gone since yesterday.” Croaked a clearly sleep-deprived Robin. Ash’s eyes widened. 

“Wh… Have you gone looking for him?!” 

She clamored up the two steps leading to Sebastian’s room, towering over the smaller woman, who shrank back a little at her harsh tone.

“He said last night that he was going to Zuzu, but he hasn’t come home. He isn’t answering his phone.”

_ I'll wait for you there like a stone _

_ I'll wait for you there alone _

Ash felt her anger bubbling over. How could she not be more worried?! How could she not be taking more action? He’d been gone for nearly a full day at this point! If Maru was missing, she’d…

“Ash…”

She’d…

“He’s been getting worse again. Drinking more.”

This was her fault. That text...

_ And on my deathbed, I will pray to the gods and the angels _

_ Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven _

What did that text mean?!

This was her fault. Her negligence, it drove him away. He was in Zuzu. Possibly dead. Because of her.

Ash swallowed bile.

“He said he was sorry. He hasn’t texted me since.”

_ To a place I recall, I was there so long ago _

_ The sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on _

Ash collapsed in a heap against his door, a sob wracking through her body. What if he’d taken his belongings and left like he said he would? What if he got into an accident and died? What if he-

_ In your house, I long to be  _

What if he was dead.

_ Room by room, patiently _

Ash swallowed a mouthful of last night’s regret, tears falling down her ivory cheeks. She shook and sobbed against the cold, unforgiving wooden door, beating a hand against it as if it would make him come home.

_ I’ll wait for you there, like a stone _

Shakily reaching into her pocket, she dialed his number. It went straight to voicemail.

_ I’ll wait for you there, alone, alone _

__ “Sebastian?” She whimpered into the receiver. “Please… Whatever you’re doing, please stop… I know I could be over reacting, this could be nothing, but… Your mom is so worried, I’m worried, I…”

_ And on I read, until the day was gone. _

__ “I need you, Sebastian.”

_ And I sat in regret of all the things I’ve done _

__ “Please come home…” 

Not bothering to hang up, Ash dropped her phone to the ground as another harsh sob shook her body. She let out a pained wail, knuckles now bloody from beating against his door.  


_ For all that I’ve blessed, and all that I’ve wronged _

__ “Sebastian!” She wailed. “I’m sorry!”

_ In dreams until my death, I will wander on _

__ She would wait forever if she had to. He had to be alive. He wouldn’t kill himself. Not over his parents favoring Maru, not over his father leaving him, not over his depression. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t.

_ In your house I long to be _

_ Room by room, patiently _

__ She would wait for him.

She would wait forever.

_ I’ll wait for you there like a stone _

__ She loved him.

_ I’ll wait for you there alone, alone. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song chapter I've been itching to post! I know this has some heavier content; but I figure Robin and Ash are the kinds to assume the worst, especially after Sebastian's... spiraling. Especially Ash's BPD ass self. I hope you are all still in a safe and happy mindset after this chapter. I've been in a bad mindset lately so my chapters are kinda reflecting that, but I PROMISE good things are to come!


	30. 29 - His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always a rainbow after the storm.

He didn’t need this. 

Slamming the door behind him, Sebastian decided it would be best to get in a day of farm work instead of being at home. Robin’s voice rang out from inside the house, but he tuned it out. He was gone for  _ a day _ and his mom had the nerve to lecture him about suicide, not answering his phone, and not communicating his plans with her? He was an adult! He could get drunk off his ass and stay in a shitty, dingy motel if he wanted to!

Kicking a nearby pine cone into the brush, Sebastian rounded the corner to Ash’s farm. In the distance he heard the familiar sound of chicken clucks, a pickaxe striking, and her grunts of effort. 

“Ash!” He called, sending the redhead toppling to the ground under the weight of her pickaxe. She stared up at him with big blue eyes and he knew she must have been worried about him, too. He groaned.

“Sebastian?!” She squeaked, clamoring to her feet. “Where the fuck were you? Did you get my messages? Are you alright?”

He opened his mouth to cut her off, but clamped it shut. No good would come from bitching at her right now. 

“Had to go to the city to clear my mind. Ended up sleeping late at a motel with a dead phone.” Sebastian said flatly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He needed a cigarette. 

“Jesus christ, Seb, could you not have told anyone?!”

He inhaled, holding back another harsh response. She looked like she was doing the same. 

“Sorry.” He grumbled. “Look, just go relax, okay? I can work the pickaxe. I have some frustration to take out.”

Ash looked like about a thousand different emotions and responses crossed her mind. She hesitated for a good while, starting and stopping herself whenever she tried to speak.

“Okay.” She said finally.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After a couple of hours, Sebastian had made his way through all the stray rocks on the farm, as well as any grass that needed to be harvested for the silo. He heard the farmhouse door creak open and spotted Ash out of the corner of his eye. She had a dish rag in her hands.

“Seb? I made lunch! Come inside!”

He got a weird, warm feeling in his heart for just a brief second, like he always did when she called him in to eat. It was so fucking domestic and nice, to be cared for by someone who wasn’t obligated to feed or house you. Sure it was meant to be penance for his hard work, in addition to his cash payments, but it still felt like a nice gesture. She never made him shitty meals, either-- usually something like pasta salads or sandwiches, which is what appeared to be on the menu today.

He sat at her tiny dining table, across from her like always, and nodded his head awkwardly as thanks. She made some kind of weird caprese-BLT today, which ended up being delicious. Though hers didn’t appear to have bacon on it. Something about him needing meat to get him through the day. She was always doing little things like that for him-- making things she wouldn’t normally eat for him, buying his favorite drinks (though she insisted she also loved cranberry juice), offering him access to her Netflix account if he wanted to stay and cool off before heading home. Ash was just… nice.

Normally, though, she would make quiet conversation during lunch. Today she was dead silent. Looking up at her to try and read her expression, he noticed she had tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Ash…” He sighed. She started to get up, but he caught her by the arm.

“I don’t need you to help me.” Ash said quietly, sending a pang of guilt straight to Sebastian’s heart. 

“Ash, I’m not mad at you.” Sebastian found himself unable to look her way. “I’ve been struggling with some things my therapist brought up and I let it eat me alive. Ash… I’m really, really sorry. I should have communicated better. I know that text sounded scary. I know I made you and my mom worry.”

She stood there for a long while, tense and stiff beneath his touch. Her breathing was a lot louder than usual-- labored and heavy. Her face was screwed up with an unreadable expression somewhere between rage and misery. 

“You know how I feel about you.” Ash said finally, voice thick with emotion yet somehow very, very flat. “I really like you, Sebastian. I want to be with you. I care immensely about you. Knowing you this past year has made my life exponentially better and I don’t want it to end… but…”

But?

“But?”

“But… You can’t fuck me up like this ever again. Even if you just want to stay friends. I can’t hurt like this over anyone.”

Sebastian inhaled, releasing her arm. He put his head in his hands. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He should hold her, he should kiss her, he should have a bouquet for her, but instead he just… sat there.

“I have enough to deal with without worrying about you going off to some hotel in a faraway city, or drinking yourself to death.” She was crying now, but carried herself with a strong disposition. Her shoulders were squared and her arms were at her sides. She meant business. 

“I know.” He said.

“You saw how shitty my mental state is. I’ve been hurt a lot of times in the past by guys like you. I know it’s selfish but Seb, I can’t keep worrying about where I stand with you. I need an answer.”

Fuck. This was really happening.

It was really happening this way.

“I do like you, Ash. I wanna be with you too. I just want to take things slow because… I’ve been hurt in the past, too. But I’ve never met anyone like you.”

Her shoulders sank.

“... Can we please go out again soon, then? You avoid me whenever I ask.”

He nodded. This was happening. 

“We can go out whenever you want.”

It was happening. Really, truly happening. She was his. 

“Then we can go as slow as you need.”

She gently grabbed his chin and planted a soft kiss to his cheek, sending lightning through his very soul. She was his. 

Ash was his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt guilty about leaving such an intense cliffhanger that I decided to post two chapters at once! Surprise! Told you things would get better ;)


	31. 30 - Gender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can I wear your skin  
> Can I have it now?  
> Such a perfect soul...  
> Ash battles some inner demons. Sam is here to help.

It was one of those days.

Skimming over his figure again in the mirror, Ash found himself somehow more miserable than before he’d gotten dressed. Something about the way the binder compressed him into a square, or made his stomach stick out, or how he looked like he was trying too hard to stand “like a man”. Nothing felt right. No matter how he expressed himself, Ash wouldn’t feel truly happy until he found a way to alter his appearance (and genitals) at will. 

Nothing a little Minecraft couldn’t fix.

Taking a seat on the couch, Ash ignored his uncomfortable feelings and turned on his Nintendo Switch. Something about the Minecraft music was just so soothing. He needed to be soothed right now; something to ease the thoughts telling him that he looked ridiculous, or that he was faking--

**Ding.**

_ FUCK. _

__ Leaping from his chair in fright, Ash whipped around to face the door. Thank gods the windows were closed. He contemplated pretending not to be home, but where else would he be? His lights were on. Trembling slightly, Ash carefully stepped to the door and cracked it open.

“Hey!” A cheery voice said from the outside. “What’s up, you hiding in there or something? Open the door, weirdo!” 

Ash could only let out a squawk of protest before Sam barreled in. This was  _ very  _ bad. He was in a hick town, in a faraway farm where nobody could hear him scream, with plenty of dangerous tools around to make his demise look like a stupid accident. And here he was, dressed like a man with his chest bound and his face contoured to look as masculine as possible.

“You look cool!” Sam said, striding over to pet Pickles, who rested casually on the counter. “I just wanted to borrow some eggs. My mom says yours are the best, but I think it’s because you criminally undercharge for them.”

Ash blinked. Was he… Stupid? Or was he okay with how his usually feminine friend looked right now?

“I… Um.” He shuffled over to the fridge, pulling out a basket of eggs and thrusting them in Sam’s direction. “Please get out of my house.”

Sam let out a loud laugh, the corners of his bright eyes turning up with amusement. He slapped Ash on the back, sending the (very jumpy) man a good foot in the air.

“Easy, kiddo! That’s like, twenty eggs! Is this about your getup?” He grabbed a field snack from Ash’s stash and began munching. “‘Cuz I don’t care about that. Nobody does… Well, I guess George and Pierre might not get it, ‘cuz they’re old.”

Ash gaped. How… were the residents of some hillbilly farm town okay with his gender, but the residents of a city like Zuzu were not? Back home he’d had to carefully tiptoe around the mere concept of his unorthodox gender identity, often receiving hateful stares in public when he’d dressed even casually masculine.  _ What is this backwards bullshit? _

“I… Seriously don’t know what to say.” He said finally, blinking at the ever-casual Sam, who merely shrugged. “Is anyone else… Y’know…” He stupidly curved his hand. Sam snorted.

“Well I swing both ways--  _ shit _ ” Sam blinked, clearly surprising himself with how casually he said that. Ash smiled.

“It’s cool, I do too! That’s awesome. Never would have guessed.” 

Sam rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. 

“Anyway… I don’t wanna out anyone, but yeah, there are other people like us around here. I don’t know of anyone who does the gender thing like you. Doesn’t make it weird, though.” 

A bitter thought made its home in the back of Ash’s mind. What if Sebastian didn’t accept him? What if he found his masculine appearance repulsive? He bit his lip.

“I know it’s not your place, but would Sebastian… Accept me? You know… Like…  _ Accept me _ ?”

Sam grinned, tossing the wrapper of his field snack into the trash.

“Seb’s had a few man-crushes. Don’t sweat it.”

_ Ah! _

Ash found himself welling up a little. Maybe this really was home? It was truly a blessing to find a place where people accepted and were kind to you. Without thinking, he threw his arms around Sam, who chuckled and pat his back.

“You can be yourself around here, Ash. Have you seen Seb and Abi? Hey, speaking of…” He pulled back from the hug, giving Ash a smirk. “I heard someone’s getting pretty serious with ol’ Sebastian!”

It was Ash’s turn to be sheepish. He shuffled his feet awkwardly, a blush forming on his cheeks. 

“There’s no bouquet yet, but yeah, we are getting a lot more serious.”

Sam gave his arm a few teasing punches, a huge smile on his always-bright face.

“I knew you two would become a thing! I saw you a few days after you came to town and thought ‘man, she-- er, he-- would be really good for Sebastian! He’s quiet!’”

_ Quiet?  _ Ash snorted. He was far from quiet when he got excited. 

“Don’t worry about paying me for these.” Ash said, setting half of his eggs into another basket. “You’ve done more for me than eggs could ever pay you back for today, Sam.”

The blond grinned, thankfully taking the basket. 

“You worry too much, Ash. This is a laid back little place. Just go with the flow more, m’kay?” 

Ash nodded. That was easier said than done, but it was sound advice. Watching Sam give Pickles a final pat on the head, Ash made a conscious decision to take that advice to heart. Now the question was, what did his heart tell him to do next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are guys! I've been wanting to throw in some representation of Ash's/my gender for a long time and I'm in need of a light hearted filler chapter, so here we go! :3 I moved in with my boyfriend yesterday and everything is going swimmingly. Weekly updates will continue as always! :) Love you all!


	32. 31 - Iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in his life, Sebastian enjoys the Flower Dance.

Maybe the Flower Dance would be more tolerable this year. 

Watching the townsfolk gather around him, Sebastian palmed the disposable vape in his pocket out of habit.  _ Not now, _ he thought. Crowds made him terribly nervous, but nonetheless he suffered through it. It sure beat getting an earful from his mother or the mayor about “participating”. 

Plus, he had something, and some _ one _ , in mind.

She stood to the side with Penny, making what appeared to be casual chatter amongst themselves. She wore some kind of black sundress, which made Sebastian think she wasn’t intending to participate. That made him nervous. He watched her nevertheless as she strode over to Shane, which made his heart leap into his throat.  _ Would she…? _

__ Shaking the thought away, Sebastian opted to check his phone to distract himself. Nothing exciting, however, appeared to catch his eye. No texts, no missed calls, no--

“Hey you.”

He looked down to see Ash, who was fully made-up and staring at him from beneath heavy lashes.  _ Were those fake? _ He could see now that her dress was floral, the back exposed and the straps thin. He had to peel his eyes away from the way the front barely covered her mid-thighs--

“Hey, kid.” Sebastian said finally. “You look cute. Are you dancing this time around?”

Ash snorted.

“That’s what I’m here for. I don’t have one of those fancy outfits all the girlies wear, but I figured Lewis won’t actually mind… So long as we don’t tell him. Are you gonna dance with me or not?”

Sebastian smirked down at her, crossing his arms smugly. He enjoyed her forwardness. Her blunt attitude was one of the things that attracted him to her. She said what was on her mind instead of playing games like some women did.

“I’d be happy to.” He said. “I’m kinda glad you don’t have a Flower Dance outfit, I like that dress a lot more.”

_ Ooh, that was flirty.  _

Sebastian had, frankly, forgotten how much he enjoyed this. Games of cat and mouse, flirting, chasing, whatever you wanted to call it. He missed the teasing and the suggestive looks and the subtle touches. The beginning of a budding relationship was always the fun part, to him, and he took great joy in it.

But it was slightly less fun when the other person made all the big moves.

He frowned a little as she walked away, realizing that she’d been the one to strike first  _ again.  _ He was determined to make the next move, be it a date or a kiss or something else. He would strike next.

And he knew exactly how he would do that.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You good? You seem a little pale.” Sebastian said as they parted, speaking lowly over the dying music. Ash nodded.

“I get nervous in front of people… And I’ve never danced before.” She grinned sheepishly, eventually pulling her hands from his.

He felt the stares. Judgemental, quirked stares from the townsfolk when he stepped up with Ash rather than his usual partner, Abigail. Sebastian knew the whole town was watching but he didn’t care. His feelings for Ash had solidified and he wanted everyone to know that. 

“You did great. Don’t sweat it.” He said, taking a drag from his vape once everyone had started to clear. Once the dancing part was over, people were usually pretty eager to go home. Maybe deep down everyone really did realize how stupid these traditions and holidays were, too. Ash had begun to pack up her belongings, too, in a large white tote that she carried around, but he stopped her.

“I’ve got something for you.” He said. She quirked a brow at him.

Looking around to make sure everyone had dispersed, Sebastian pulled out his phone. Ash stared suspiciously at him. He turned on a song he’d had planned during their first dance, setting his phone down in the grass beside them.

Ash’s eyes widened. She marveled for a moment as the music played and he swore he could see her little heart exploding right in her chest.  _ Score. _

_ And I'd give up forever to touch you _

_ 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow _

__ He took her by the hands and allowed her to wrap her arms around his shoulders, blue eyes still staring wide into his. He smiled down at her.

_ You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be _

_ And I don't want to go home right now _

__ “Sebastian…”

He shushed her with a gentle kiss, leading them in a simple dance.

_ And all I can taste is this moment _

_ And all I can breathe is your life _

__ Sebastian would never forget the look on Ash’s face that day. Her pure awe, the little tears slipping from her eyes of sapphire, the way she breathed.

_ And sooner or later it's over _

_ I just don't wanna miss you tonight _

__ He spun her slowly, impressing even himself. He kind of wished the entire town was there to watch them, to bear witness to this moment.

_ And I don't want the world to see me _

_ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand _

_ When everything's made to be broken _

_ I just want you to know who I am _

__ They picked up the pace now, dancing chest to chest.

_ And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming _

_ Or the moment of truth in your lies _

_ When everything feels like the movies _

_ Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive _

__ She rest her head on his shoulder, nuzzling softly into his neck.

_ And I don't want the world to see me _

_ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand _

_ When everything's made to be broken _

_ I just want you to know who I am _

__ This moment was bliss to him-- he’d always had an inner romantic, and he knew that she did, too. It showed in the way she cared for him, in the way she talked to him, in the way she was always there when he needed her. This was his way of making up for all of that.

_ And I don't want the world to see me _

_ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand _

_ When everything's made to be broken _

_ I just want you to know who I am _

__ He would make up for scaring her, being distant, for being less than ideal to love. After a year of knowing her, she felt… Different than the others. He didn’t want that to go away. 

_ And I don't want the world to see me _

_ 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand _

_ When everything's meant to be broken _

_ I just want you to know who I am _

She was warmth, she was solace, she was kind.

_ I just want you to know who I am _

She was his and he was hers. He cursed himself for not buying a bouquet.

_ I just want you to know who I am _

He was falling faster than he’d like to but he didn’t care.

_ I just want you to know who I am _

__ Kissing her slowly and softly, he felt the spark he’d been searching for all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy late LASaturday! I spent all night at my in-laws' so this chapter is unfortunately 2 hours late ^^; I hope you all enjoy, I'm proud of this one! Told you things would lighten up <3


	33. 32 - Serotonin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Sebastian go on their first public date.

He had finally listened. 

Ignoring the watchful eyes of the townsfolk, Ash strode into the saloon hand-in-hand with Sebastian. Their date options were limited, but she didn’t care. This was their first public outing and it felt  _ so good. _

__ She ordered for them, taking a knowing wink from Emily in stride, while Sebastian set up a game of Journey of the Prairie King. Her vodka cranberry tasted bittersweet on the tongue; fitting for her date. He wore something a little different this time, going for a plain black v-neck in lieu of his hoodie. Maybe that was his idea of dressing up. Either way, he looked like a snack, and Ash was  _ starving. _

__ Setting their drinks down nearby, she slid her arms around him while he played, feeling him tense and then relax beneath her touch. He was losing miserably, as you often did with Prairie King, but it didn’t seem to be impacting him at all. Sliding her hands into the pockets of his jeans, Ash planted a couple of kisses to the back of his neck.

“Not even one drink in,” Sebastian said, pausing the game, “and you’re already flirty?”

Ash chuckled as he turned around to face her, a blush spread across his ivory cheeks. She shrugged innocently.

“You make me happy, Seb. I get a little flirty when I’m happy.” 

He cocked a brow, the beginnings of a smirk playing upon his straight lips. He took a casual sip from his own drink, never once breaking eye contact. Clearly this was a game he’d played before. Ash could be hard to get too, though.

Pulling away from him, she grabbed her drink and downed it. He gave her a weird look, which she responded to with a wiggle of her eyebrows. Sebastian forced back a laugh, instead opting to cover his obvious grin with his glass and drink it all in one go as well.

“There ya go!” Ash chirped, swiping his glass from him. “Let’s get you some more, huh? I wanna see what drunk Sebastian’s game is like.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

His lips tasted like cranberry and the dying flame behind a cigarette. 

He held her strong in his arms, fingers ghosting against her skin and sending shivers along her spine. Sebastian made her feel whole again. He was fervor, ardor, awe, a nauseating fire burning within her stomach threatening to spill out in the form of an ‘I love you’. She kissed him with the passion she thought had been ripped from her years ago, burning and intense and raging in her blood. She didn’t need anything else. Just his lips crushing against hers, full of drunken desperacy and unspoken feeling. 

Just when his hand had reached up to cup her through her dress, they heard a startled squawk from the doorway.

“What the fuck-- Sam?!” Sebastian hissed, pulling away from a bewildered Ash. The blond stood stupidly in the doorway.

“I just wanted to get a Joja Cola, dude” Sam protested. “I wasn’t expecting to walk in on… That.”

Sebastian smacked his palm to his forehead. Ash sighed, straightening her clothes out.

“It’s fine, Sam. Go ahead.” She said gently, motioning to the vending machine. Sam awkwardly skittered to the machine, whistling a simple tune and looking everywhere but at her and Sebastian. 

“So uh...Prairie King, huh?” The blond said. Sebastian grimaced.

“I’m on a date.”

“Right, see ya later then!”

Ash found herself blushing as Sam strode out as if nothing had ever happened. He finally said it.  _ A date. This was a date.  _

“I’m… Gonna buy another round.” Sebastian murmured, giving her thigh a soft pat as he got up. Ash nodded quickly. More alcohol was definitely the way to go after… That. 

But gods, did  _ that  _ feel amazing. Even better than Abi’s party, for sure. This time it was different. There were no doubts or shame in the back of her mind. Only certainty and raw emotion coursing through her veins. She wanted more of him, more of them together, more of his body against hers and his hands all over her.

Watching him come back in with their drinks, Ash sighed dreamily. Gods, he was a looker.  _ What does he want with someone like me?  _

Shaking that negative thought from her mind, Ash happily accepted her drink, opting to sip this one a lot slower than the others. No need to rush; their night had only just begun.

Climbing back into Sebastian’s lap, Ash let out a happy little hum, giving one of his ear piercings a teasing tug with her teeth.

“Where were we?” She breathed, hands snaking their way up his chest. Sebastian hesitated for a moment and she automatically pulled away, staring at him quizzically. 

“I think we should slow it down a little..” Sebastian said tentatively. “I like this a  _ lot,  _ don’t get me wrong, but I just…”

“Say no more, Seb!” Ash chirped, swallowing the pang of rejection in her chest. She slid into the seat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, earning a gentle, thankful smile from her partner. “We can totally just talk. I appreciate you being honest about your feelings with me.”

He breathed a sigh of relief.

“You’d be surprised how many girls would get all pissy if I said that.” He mumbled. “Uh, what did you wanna talk about?”

Ash held back some of her signature Aries rage. Had someone given him a hard time for expressing his right to withdraw consent in the past?  _ She’d find them. _

“Well first of all, I want the name and address of anyone who’s ever gotten pissy with you for not wanting to do something.” She said matter-of-factly, earning a shocked splutter from Sebastian. “And secondly, I wanna ask you how therapy is going.”

That question clearly wasn’t ideal. Sebastian fumbled with it for a moment; looking around nervously, starting and stopping sentences, taking sips of his drink. He sighed.

“Not good.” He said finally, “I told him I was ready to discuss shit I wasn’t actually ready to dive into. Stuff about past relationships, my family, my dad. All that good shit. That’s why I went to Zuzu last week. I had to clear my mind but… The state I was in and the text I sent you clearly sent the wrong message.”

Ash let out a slow, cautious breath, as if he was a deer in the forest ready to bolt off into the abyss at the slightest provocation. She nodded. 

“I’m sorry to hear that. My dad went through something similar and it really fucked him up. You need to reduce your appointments to bi-weekly and talk about things you want to bring up rather than letting him talk, because all shrinks know how to do is dig up the past.”

He cocked a brow, stopping mid-drink to stare at her.

“How do you always know what to say?”

She let out an ugly squawk of a laugh. Her? Knowing what to say? Unlikely. 

“Been in the business for a long time, I guess.” Ash stirred her own drink. “But let’s change the subject, this is a fun occasion. You even called it a date this time!”

That got a smile out of Sebastian. 

“What about your psych? I could teach you how to drive so you can see her.” 

Ash froze. It… was a good idea, as she was running low on medication refills, but she still had no car available. One that her mother would let her have back home, yes, but not one on the farm currently.

“That… Might work. I need med refills.” She said tentatively. “I’ll think on that. You drive cars?”

He snorted.

“I do drive cars, too. Yes. What meds?”

Oh.

Oh she said that out loud.

Ignoring the impending feeling of death by embarrassment, Ash swallowed a mouthful of bitter cranberry-flavored sin and sat straighter.

“Er... Zoloft, Trazodone, and Abilify.” She said, earning a nod from her partner. 

“I’ve got that Lexapro vibe goin’ for me.” Sebastian grumbled. 

“Oh, I’ve heard that one really fucks up your… Uh, appetite?” 

_ WAS SHE SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO MENTION HIS SEX DRIVE? _

__ Sebastian made a face.

“I’ve been eating fine.”

_ HELP. _

__ “T-that’s good then!” She spluttered, trying not to die on the spot. “But hey, is it working? Cuz if you’re spiraling like you did the other day, it may be having a reverse effect. Did your doctor talk to you about reverse effects?”

Sebastian blinked, dark eyes wide.

“No…”

What the fuck kind of crackpot was he seeing?!

“Well allow me to tell you that some medications, especially antidepressants, can have completely reverse effects. I think I’ve found your problem, Seb.”

Sebastian stared at her, looking as if a thousand thoughts were swirling through his mind. She hoped that was a good thing.

“... You’re really smart, Ash.”

She absolutely  _ honked  _ with laughter this time, perplexed by the mere concept of anyone finding her smart. 

“I mean it!” Sebastian protested, gripping her shoulder.

“Hey, don’t touch my pentacle necklace!”

“Right.” He took his hand away, placing it on her thigh instead. Her body instantly burst into metaphorical flames. “But really, thank you. I’ll talk to him about that.”

Ignoring the full-body blush currently threatening to incinerate her right then and there, Ash nodded.  _ Gods, he was hot.  _

“I feel like I should know about some of these guys like me that have hurt you in the past.” Sebastian said, sending a pang of guilt straight to Ash’s heart. 

“I didn’t mean--”

“I know, that was harsh. Just tell me what I’m up against.”

His toothy grin showed that he had no ill intent, and Ash felt her tension release. She struggled to find the best way to explain the horror story that was her dating life.

“What kind of story do you want, Seb? We’ve got abuse of every kind! We’ve got lots of drug addicts, an animal abuser, a sociopath, take your pick!”

Sebastian stared wide-eyed at her, mouth slightly agape. Clearly he wasn’t accustomed to trauma jokes like she was.

“I… Maybe we can touch on that later. Just tell me about your last relationship.” 

Ash sucked in a breath. That was…  _ Difficult. _

“I uh… Well, he was one of the drug addicts. We lived together for a couple of months. He was actually my most traumatic relationship, but it happened years ago--”

“It’s been  _ that long? _ ” Sebastian interrupted. “I’m sorry, I just took you for someone who like… Enjoyed relationships.”

Ash snorted bitterly. That was one way to put it.

“I’ve had lots of failed Tinder situations since Kyler.” She grumbled, finishing off her drink. “Fell madly in love with one. He’s a good guy, we just met at the wrong time.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. 

“Tinder sure is a good app.” He said sarcastically. Ash chuckled. 

“Anyway, he was really jealous and always had a lot of problems. I honestly prefer not to talk about him. He was the kind of boyfriend that cheated and then accused me of cheating, put me in situations where I had to do stuff I didn’t want to do, gaslit me, all that fun stuff.”

There was a fire behind Sebastian’s eyes that said enough. Ash decided it was time to change the subject. They talked about her chickens for awhile, including where Ash got her bizarre names for them, Seb’s favorite being Spoofy. They even talked about Shane and his budding friendship with Pumpkin. Finally Gus announced the last call for the night, and they found themselves spilling out of the saloon full of alcohol and giggles.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I had an amazing time, Seb.” Ash purred, her face mere centimeters away from Sebastian’s, who held her close. He planted another lingering kiss on her lips, eyelids heavy from his fading buzz.

“I did too.” He said sleepily. “We’ve gotta do this again soon. Anything you want.”

_ She honestly just wanted him to pin her up against the farmhouse door and make her scream loud enough for the townsfolk to hear-- _

__ “I’d like that.” Ash pecked his lips a few more times, unable to pull herself from him. Be it the alcohol making her tired or her common sense flooding back, she finally managed to step back.

“Good night, Ash.”

“Good night. Text me when you get home so I know you made it back.”

She began to open the door, but a gentle hand stopped her.

“Hey.” He whispered in her ear, “One more for the road.”

She turned back around and was brought into a slow, sweet kiss, the kind that leaves your heart shaking rather than your legs. He felt right against her. He felt right in her arms, against her lips, in her heart. She found herself smiling long after they parted.

Sebastian was her happy place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy late LASaturday everyone! I was at DnD all night so I apologize for the late update. I hope you all love this chapter! As always I encourage you to leave me a comment or shoot me an ask on tumblr @temp3sts if you have a question or something to say :D


	34. 33 - Slow Ride*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CW for some slight NSFW) Sebastian takes Ash to a special spot.

Sebastian had some thinking to do.

After finishing up with polishing his bike, he gave it a last once-over before setting out. He was to be en route to his favorite thinking spot; a cliff overlooking Zuzu City. It was perfect. Quiet, isolated, and cool even in the summer heat. 

Opening the garage door, Sebastian spotted a familiar figure with a pickaxe in-hand. Her smile visibly faded at the sight of his bike.

“H-hey!” She sputtered, trying to appear normal despite her slowly paling skin. “Going for a ride?”

He knew immediately that she was putting on a front. He didn’t know exactly why, but it was clear that Ash had a direct link in her mind between motorcycles and her dad.

He wanted to change that.

“Yeah. Come with me?” He asked, motioning towards the small vehicle. Ash’s pupils shrunk to the size of pinheads.

“I… Me? Come with you? Me, Ash? Go with you? On a bike ride?”

He snorted. Clearly this was a phobia that had to be broken if they were to be together. With no hesitation, he swung a leg over his bike and rode it carefully over to her, patting the seat behind him. Ash looked ready to cry.

“Me? Go on a ride? On a motorcy--”

“Ash.” Sebastian sighed, gently taking her hand. “You don’t have to, but I can tell this is something that affects you. A lot. I wanna change that. Please come with me?”

She stared wide-eyed at the motorcycle like it was a ferocious monster raring to attack. Stumbling back a little, Ash tapped her hands together. 

“I promise I won’t let you get hurt.” Sebastian soothed, rubbing her hand in his. She appeared to be having a great internal battle about the matter at hand, never peeling her fearful eyes from the shiny blue surfaces. 

“I… I guess…” She whimpered, slowly approaching the puttering vehicle. She shakily boarded, tightly wrapping her trembling arms around him. He could hear her swearing to every god imaginable, starting with Yoba and ending with one final shriek of Satan’s name as he took off.

The ride was silent, to say the least, full of only Sebastian patting her hands at stop lights and Ash’s chest quickly rising and falling against him. He drove slowly, carefully, taking each turn as smoothly as possible so not to scare her. Luckily the cliff was only some minutes away, long enough for Ash to calm down some.

She practically threw herself off the bike upon arrival, landing on unsteady feet and looking very much ready to either vomit, pass out, or both. He noticed she had burn marks on her jeans now, meaning she’d likely pressed them against the pipes as she disembarked. Ash was still very much shaking, but less now, looking a bit more like a Chihuahua than a flimsy tree branch in a hurricane. 

“I’m proud of you!” Sebastian exclaimed, bringing her into a hug. “You faced your fear.”

“I-I did…” Ash whimpered, pupils still at a mere hairbreadth in diameter. “Where are we?”

Sebastian pointed to the cityscape ahead of them.

“I know you know where that is.” He chuckled. “I come here when I want to get away from everything and just… think.”

Ash stared out to the city. Clearly she’d never seen it from this angle, by the way her eyes shone. He took a drag from his vape.

“What do you think?”

She paused for a long while. He noted the way her face glowed against the warm city light. She looked beautiful.

“It gives me a strange, sort of sad feeling.” Ash said finally. “Like I miss being there, but I know I’m where I’m meant to be.”

Sebastian chuckled, a blush forming on his cheeks.

“Me too.” He admitted. “I’ve been finding myself happier in the valley lately…”

Ash turned to him, eyes full of emotion. He turned away.

“I don’t usually bring anyone here… You’re the only one, actually.”

He could feel her raw emotion radiating from her like heat from a furnace. He had to do this. Swallowing the knot in his stomach down further, Sebastian continued. 

“You know what I’m trying to say, don’t you?”

She smiled at him, the kind of genuine, innocent smile you rarely get out of anyone. His heart was in his god damn throat now. Why did this feel… different? Why did he feel so nervous? He’d basically told her how he felt, and she did the same. So why was this so difficult?

Deciding he’d let his actions speak for him, Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips softly to hers. She melted into the kiss, her arms snaking around his torso. She took control of the kiss as she often did, biting and sucking his lower lip with the precision of someone who knew exactly what she wanted in a kiss. 

They parted eventually, his forehead resting against hers. She sighed.

“You’re perfect.” Ash said. Sebastian snorted.

“You have a shitty definition of perfect.”

Ash grinned at him. He noticed one of her teeth was slightly askew. It was cute.

“What did you come here to think about?”

Sebastian paused for a while, taking another drag.

“Us.”

“... Do you need to think any more, Sebastian?”

“No.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ride home was a lot less eventful, Ash’s trembling dying down to a soft shudder. She still held him tight, the pressure of her arms around his stomach a tad nauseating, but he didn’t mind. They arrived back at the farm from a set of back roads, Ash dismounting with just slightly more grace than last time. 

“Why do you get so nervous around motorcycles, Ash?” Sebastian asked in a fit of confidence. She froze. 

“I… uh… My dad.” 

“I know,” he said, swinging a leg over his bike to dismount. “But  _ why _ ?”

Ash wrung her hands for a while, looking everywhere but at him. She chewed her lip, clearly searching for the right words. He waited patiently as this was clearly a difficult subject.

“He loves them a lot, always had one or two around. So naturally I link them to him. He wasn’t a good man, so they of course bring back some shitty memories… But I wanna change that.”

Sebastian found his heart skipping a beat. It meant a lot that she wanted to change her fears and past trauma just for him. Finding a rare, genuine smile upon his face, Sebastian wrapped his arms around her.

“We can definitely change that. You did great tonight!” He nuzzled her cheek lovingly, eliciting a happy noise from the redhead. She pecked him softly on the cheek. 

“I’d like to show you around the farm a little more one of these days,” Ash said. “You really only see the fields and the chicken coop. I wanna show you some of my childhood memories.”

Sebastian had forgotten that Ash used to visit her grandfather’s farm as a child. It made sense, he thought, considering she was the one to inherit it. She must have a small family, considering she didn’t seem very close with her grandfather to begin with. She didn’t really mention him much.

“I’d like that.” He returned her peck on the cheek, lingering just a second longer. She sighed happily, the way she always did when he was around. It was precious.

_ I could get used to that. _

__ Bringing her in for a kiss, Sebastian found his hands holding her face. Probably not the greatest time for this, he figured, but she was just too cute. She leaned into him, softly exhaling as their lips met. 

Ash felt like fire and tasted like wine, burning on the surface but sickly sweet as he got closer. She bit his lips just hard enough to feel nice, but softly enough to not be aggressive. Her tongue had the lingering taste of her personal home brew-- specifically the plum wine that she enjoyed so much. Something about the bittersweetness of it. 

That’s what they were; bittersweet. Intoxicating. Addictive. His hands sliding up her plain white t-shirt, he knew she had to be the one. Nobody else made him feel quite like this. Nobody else put so much passion into each kiss, so much love behind each little moan, so much adoration within the confines of her fingers in his hair. Pushing her up against the farmhouse, he just  _ knew. _

__ She felt so tantalizing and soft in his hands, filling them and then some. Her little moans made Sebastian go absolutely wild, his own bites going from her lips to her bare, ivory-white neck. Ash was putty in his hands now and he knew this was fast, perhaps too fast, but he slid his hands into her bra to feel her further and she practically melted underneath his touch.

“Seb..” She whimpered. “Seb, honey, this is  _ amazing,  _ but didn’t you want to take things slow?”

_ Ah. _

__ _ Right. _

__ _ That. _

__ Pulling away from her, Sebastian shot his most convincing grin. She always knew what to say.

“I appreciate that.” He said, wiping her lip gloss from his chin with his sleeve. “We can pick this up some other time, yeah?”

Ash giggled nervously. The good kind of nervous, he figured; the one where your heart and stomach are all-consumed by butterflies and emotions. He was nervous too.

“I’ll see you later, Sebastian. Next time you’re here we can take that tour of the farm.” 

Sebastian nodded. 

“Good night, Ash.”

“Good night, Seb!”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The air was nice and cool when he arrived back home. It felt calming, full of some nostalgic, gut-wrenching feeling that put him at ease. 

Heading inside, only one thought plagued his mind.

Was he falling in love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another late update! LASaturday may have to become LASunday because I have DnD on Saturdays now, heh... I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :3


	35. 34 - Complete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash shows Sebastian parts of her that he never knew existed. Sebastian makes Ash feel complete.

Scarlet Farm was reaching its apex, and Ash couldn’t be happier.

Ash had paid Robin in advance for a second silo-- one for the cows and her brand-new goat. The chickens went through hay faster than she went through vape juice and Redbull, so the upgrade was long overdue. Yoba knows she wasn’t about to pay per-bail for hay from Marnie, as much as she admired the woman.

Sebastian was set to arrive any minute now to help her clear the space and take a nostalgic tour of the farm. It meant a lot to her that he’d agreed to something that could be considered miniscule or silly to someone that wasn’t as sentimental as her. Plus, it would be a good bonding experience for them.

He arrived hands-in-pockets and with his hood up, music playing faintly from the kangaroo pouch of his hoodie. She greeted him with a little wave, which he reciprocated. 

“Need anything before we get started?” Ash asked.

“Nah.”

They set off, a scythe for each, loading hay into the first silo and destroying any stray rocks or ferns that had appeared behind the barn. It didn’t take too long, but it was hard work that was much better done by two people rather than one. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So there’s just mushrooms in here?” Sebastian asked, peeking his head into the cave opening. Ash sauntered inside, leading him in by the hand.

“Just mushrooms.” She confirmed. “But profitable ones!”

She spent a little time explaining the growth process and the different kinds of mushrooms, how each one was valued, and how she incorporated some into her cooking. It warmed her heart to see Sebastian genuinely interested in her dumb spiel, nodding and making eye contact all the while. When that was done, she took him somewhere a little more important.

“This,” she began, “is my grandfather’s shrine. He built it himself for… some reason.”

Sebastian blinked up at the monument, clearly taken aback by it. 

“Is he… y’know…”

“No. He’s in a cemetery a couple cities away with my grandma. Couldn’t be buried here ‘cuz he wanted to be cremated.”

He nodded, looking relieved. 

“I wasn’t close to him.” Ash said suddenly. “None of us kids were. We all loved our grandma, but he was… Not the best man. He only chose me because I’m not a drug addict and I don’t have a family of my own. He knows I wouldn’t sell this place for pills or alcohol.”

Sebastian took in her words for a while, slowly nodding. He stared at the cold stone monument, eyeing the crystals laid on its surface.

“I’m glad he chose you, Ash.” He said finally, taking her hand in his. Ash blushed.

“I am too.” She leaned her shoulder against his. “I’d hate to see what my cousins would have done to this place. None of his kids were gonna get it either, ‘cuz they’ve all got better things to do than tend to a farm all day. He knew that.” 

She was oversharing a little.

Deciding to bottle up the rest of her familial dysfunction for later, Ash took a singular poppy from behind her ear and placed it at the shrine. Something as penance for the man who gave her his life’s work. Something grown from within that work.

“I wonder if he’d be proud of me.” Ash said to no one in particular. “The farm’s been a lot more of a money-maker since you started helping me, y’know.”

Sebastian looked surprised.

“Shit, maybe I should work here full-time then.”

Ash found her heart beating quicker. What did he mean by that?! Did he want to move in with her already?! Or was he just being nice?

“E-eh?” She said stupidly. “I mean, you could if you want, but your programming thing is… Well, your thing!”

Sebastian chuckled bitterly.

“Some thing I have goin’ on there.”

Finding that the conversation was taking a wrong turn, Ash desperately thought of more to say. She wanted to do something nice, take some kind of step forward, but nothing too quick. Truth be told she had been eyeing bouquets at Pierre’s, but decided it was too soon. She’d know when the moment was right.

“I really like you, Seb.” She said softly, turning towards him. “You make me feel things I thought I couldn’t any more.”

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips, showing more in his eyes than his mouth. 

“Can I tell you something about me?” Ash asked.

“Of course.”

_ Here we go. _

__ She knew she couldn’t hide this any longer. It was a big part of her identity; something that she could never hide forever. Something that made her who she was.

“I um, I’m genderfluid.” She said, looking down at the ground. “It means I sometimes identify as a boy, or nothing at all. But I’m still a girl most of the time, I guess.”

Sebastian looked her up and down, eyes only a little wide. He pondered this for a moment, clearly thinking of what to say, which made her more nervous with each passing second. What if he hated her? What if he didn’t wanna be with her any more? What if--

“That sounds pretty cool.” He said finally.  _ OH?  _ “I guess just let me know when you need me to call you a boy.”

_ That went… Splendidly. _

__ “I-I will! Thank you!” She tapped her fingers together, unable to suppress her happy stims this time around. “Do you uh, want some lunch? It’s been a couple of hours.”

“I’d like that.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So, Sebastian.” Ash began, sending a knife into the heart of an innocent avocado pit. “I feel like we’re getting considerably more serious. Is there anything I need to know about you?”

Sebastian hummed for a moment, deep in thought.

“I guess you already know, but I do get bouts of depression. Kinda escaping from one right now, as you could tell.”

Ash nodded, scooping the avocado’s guts into a bowl. She had figured as much. Hopefully her advice about therapy would help him avoid another outburst, though. 

“I can fully understand that. I get my own little episodes here and there.”

She mashed the avocado with some spices and lime juice, eyeing the egg cooking for herself on the stove. Toast popped out of the toaster, startling her a little.

“Lunch is just about done.” She chirped, grabbing the hot toast and spreading some of the avocado mixture on two pieces. She handed those slices off to Sebastian on a paper plate, which he accepted graciously.

“Eggs and avocado toast, huh?” He mumbled through a mouthful of food. “Never thought about it.”

“That’s because you don’t like eggs.” Ash chided, popping two more slices of toast in for herself.

“True.”

They ate in comfortable silence once Ash’s lunch was ready, occasionally giving one another a little smile or chuckle. It felt right. It felt domestic. It felt… Complete. 

He made her feel complete again. She didn’t want that feeling to ever go away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haaaaaaappy LASaturday! :3 Things have been going alright on my end, admittedly I'm writing this fic a lot slower than I used to so updates may slow too. I'll let you guys know! Thanks for reading!


	36. 35 - Further Down*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CWs: PTSD, flashbacks, abuse, suicide mentioned, NSFW) Sebastian brings Ash back from her weakest point.

_ This shit again. _ __

__ Sebastian scanned the beach as townsfolk milled about. Same people, same beach, same Luau. Life in Pelican Town was getting less manageable with each passing “holiday”. 

Standing as off to the side as humanly possible, Sebastian found his mind wandering back to the city. Was that really his only other option? What about a nice suburb, or a whole new part of the country? He was a lot more well off from working on the farm. He could probably make that happen.

But that would mean leaving her behind.

She looked nervous as she stood speaking with the mayor-- probably just the crowd getting to her, he figured. Her red hair burned brightly in the sun, standing stark against her pale flesh and powder blue sundress. Gods, why did she look so upset?

He thought momentarily about approaching her, but thought better of it. No sense in smothering the poor girl. That wouldn’t get him anywhere, if his past experiences taught him anything. 

Sebastian recalled the time he dated a girl over Facebook-- they’d gotten on just fine, but she dumped him out of the blue for being “clingy”. What did that even mean? He liked knowing that his partner was there for him. He liked good morning and good night texts, calls, and even sending gifts when it was the right person. Or someone he thought was right. But apparently that was just too much.

Others had accused him of being too distant. He liked his space, privacy, and alone time. He never went days without talking to his partners; he just needed to be his own person, too.

Then there was Abi, who, despite acknowledging his balance of relationship and personal time, found his brooding and mood swings to be less than ideal in a partner. All completely valid complaints, just painful at the time.

He’d gotten over all of it, though. Sebastian knew he was ready to move on, and the perfect person to help him with that was--

“Ash?”

The mayor’s voice suddenly shook him from his thoughts.

“Ashtyn, where on earth are you running off to?”

He looked up to see a flash of red disappearing back into the town center. Concerned murmurs fell over the townsfolk. Sebastian found himself going after her, be it on instinct or a gut feeling.

“I’ll see what’s up with her,” he said to the mayor. “Just continue with the Luau.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The farmhouse door shut just as he scampered upon the property, the familiar sound of cow moos and chicken clucks lulling his racing heart a bit. He heard a distant wail from inside and approached the door.

“Ash? Hey, kid, what’s going on?” 

She hadn’t bothered to lock the door. 

When he entered the farmhouse, he found her with her hands over her ears. She wept big, sad tears that stained the front of her dress. Sebastian rushed over, letting the door close behind him. Pickles let out a panicked meow from his perch on the counter above Ash’s head.

“Ash?” Sebastian gently gripped her shoulders, eliciting little more than a miserable groan from the woman. “What happened?”

She didn’t respond, only letting out more mournful cries and holding her knees to her chest. Panicking, Sebastian gently shook her, only earning a startled yell from her. 

“No!” She squealed, turning away from him with her arms wrapped around her knees. “No, no, no, n--”

“Ash, I don’t want to hurt you!” 

“No no no no--”

“It’s me, Sebastian! I’m not gonna hurt you,” he gingerly picked her up, flinching a little at her pained screams. “I just want to know what’s wrong!”

Carrying her to the couch, he set her down gently. She held her hands up, eyes flooded with fear as if he were a lunging dog with its teeth bared. He felt useless. Clearly she was in some sort of a delusional panic, and all he could do was watch her crumble. 

“Ash…” 

She screamed again, this time putting her arms defensively in front of her face. This was more than just some panic attack. This was…

_ “I have PTSD.” _

__ His eyes widened at the memory of her vulnerable confession. She was having flashbacks. That had to be it. Looking down at her cowering form, it was clear that she was not in the room with him. She was far away, deep within her past, reliving that shit over and over. He felt his heart breaking.

“Ash, listen to me.” He said gently, kneeling down in front of her. “You’re at the farm. Nobody wants to hurt you. I’m here, I want to help you.”

She looked at him for the first time that day, eyes still blazing with horror, but somehow softer than before. 

“S-Seb..”

“That’s right!” He chided, placing a soft hand upon hers. “I’m trying to help you, not hurt you. Can you tell me what happened?”

A switch seemed to flip in her mind. She stared silently at him for a long time, lips parted slightly, hot tears still streaming down her cheeks. She sniffled.

“... Flashbacks.” Her voice sounded so small compared to its usual deep, loud pitch. “I-it’s my ex… I found a letter he wrote me while I was flipping through my old sketchbook.”

_ Fuck. _

__ She looked so defeated. So broken. Guilty, ashamed, depressed. As if she was at fault for the hell she’d endured. 

“All I could hear was him screaming at me…”

His heart split again. 

As if he could protect her from what damage had already been done, he held her. She cried quietly into his shoulder, tears seeping through his hoodie and onto his skin. 

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered. “I’ll be here for you. I want to help. Let me stay with you until you’re better--”

“No it’s fine!” She yanked herself from his grip, wiping the flood of tears from her face. “I-I can handle myself, Sebastian. You deserve to be with your friends. I can be alone, I promise.”

He quirked a brow at her.

“I am with my friend,” he took her hand in his. “More than that, even.”

A blush spread slowly over her cheeks like wildfire over a dry forest. She looked at everything but him for a moment, even allowing Pickles to find his way into her lap.

“I suppose that’s fine, then.” Ash said finally. 

He sat next to her on the couch, keeping a small distance in case she was still feeling fragile. She opted to break that distance, though, resting her head on his shoulder. 

“We could always do some farm work to clear your mind.” Sebastian suggested, his arm finding its way around her. She scoffed.

“I already did everything I needed to do.” She grumbled, snuggling even closer to him. “Let’s stay here.”

That sounded good, but… He found himself needing to know more. If this was gonna continue, he had to fully know the extent of her trauma. To help her, and to help him understand her. But how far was too far? He’d never really dealt with anyone quite like her before. It was always hard for Sam to talk about his dad since he was deployed, but Sam was different. He was still happy. Wasn’t he?

“Can I know more about the flashbacks? So I can help?”

Ash froze. 

She sat up slowly. He couldn’t read her expression; maybe somewhere between fear and sadness? Nevertheless, she spoke.

“I lived with him for two months.” She began, “We dated for five. He was one of my longer relationships…”

_ Five months?! That’s a long relationship for her? _

__ “He was really manipulative. Used his mental illness as an excuse… He cheated on me, spent my own money on another woman and left me with nothing to feed or care for myself with. He um…”

She paused again, blinking back tears.

“He tried to hang himself right in front of me, because of some stupid fight.”

Sebastian’s blood was at a full boil. How could anyone treat her like that?! How could anyone be that fucking insane? No wonder she had PTSD-- clearly she endured hell in those two months. He couldn’t fathom sharing a home with someone that treated her that horribly.

“I’ll fucking find him.” He growled, surprising them both. Ash laughed bitterly.

“I’ll get to him before you do.” She bit back. 

“I’m serious. You don’t deserve that shit.” He began, standing up and pacing in front of the couch. It was  _ something  _ to quell the rage burning in his stomach. “People who hurt other humans make me fucking ill, let alone when they go after the rare nice ones like you. That fucker deserves to get his face stomped into a curb and--”

She cut him off, pressing her lips feverishly against his. He stood still for a moment, frozen in shock and lingering anger, before holding her body close. She kissed him intensely, so full of need, like she was taking all her pent up emotions out on him.

She probably was.

He liked that.

Pinning her back down to the couch, Sebastian found his hands under her dress. He gave her a teasing squeeze, eliciting a moan from his partner. She bit at his lips hard enough to bruise and  _ god  _ he loved when she did that. Her bites moved down to his neck, nimble fingers sliding up to pull him from his hoodie. 

_ Was this a thing that was happening? _

__ She still had thick black streaks running down her face from where she’d been crying, tears taking her makeup with them. It was a little fucked that just a few minutes ago she’d been a sobbing heap on the floor, but she seemed to need an outlet. He was happy to oblige. 

Ash pushed him into a sitting position and kissed and bit her way down his torso.  _ Fuck, this was actually happening.  _ He felt himself straining against the fly of his jeans, pushing up towards her heavy chest as she made her way down. Clearly she knew what she was doing. 

She looked good on her knees. He wished the mascara running down her face was caused by pleasure rather than pain. She tugged the zipper of his jeans down with her teeth, maintaining eye contact from beneath heavy lashes as she did so. 

The weight of the situation hit him like a truck-- this was  _ happening. _ It was so sudden but yet long overdue; all their heated sessions ending on a note that felt incomplete and unfulfilling. Ash shimmied his pants and boxers down at the same time, her pupils dilating a little when his cock was finally freed from its confines. 

“Ooh~” She cooed, giving it an experimental touch with her fingertip. He shuddered. 

“Is that… a good ‘ooh’?” 

She snorted.

“You bet your tight little ass it is.” 

His… what? Was she complimenting him or not?

She licked a slow, straight line from base to tip, the hand that was not on the floor supporting her weight reaching up to steady him. He sank back into the couch, allowing himself to just… feel her. Her lips pressed heated kisses against his shaft, tongue flicking out occasionally against bare skin. 

She sank her mouth slowly onto him and Sebastian swore he saw stars.

She began agonizingly slow, teasing his sensitive underside with her tongue.  _ Fuck, she was good. She was too good.  _

Placing an experimental hand on her head, Sebastian tangled his fingers into her thick, soft red hair. The look she gave him was just  _ sinful,  _ full of lust and raw passion. It egged him on.

He pushed her down gently, eliciting a moan from the woman. She braced herself with both arms on his legs and started bobbing her head. He bit back a low growl, watching her as she took his length deep within her throat. 

She gagged a little each time he pushed her down, but he knew she’d show displeasure if she minded. Ash didn’t strike him as the submissive type. Even as she went down on him, she gave him these looks that screamed “I am in control”. And she was. 

Sebastian always considered himself the dominant type, and he briefly wondered if they’d ever find themselves in a heated fight for that dominance. The thought alone made his cock twitch between her lips. In a fit of lust, he jerked her head up so that she detached from him with a wet  _ pop. _

__ _ God damn. _

__ Ash stared at him half-lidded, panting heavily, spit falling from her lips. She looked like a picture-perfect image of submission as he held her by the hair, eyes asking, “what are you gonna do to me?”

_ So she’s a switch. _

__ “I can already tell we’re gonna have a lot of fun together.” Sebastian purred. She gave a limp smile. 

“We’ve just begun.” She bit back, taking his wrist and pinning it to the couch. 

__ _ FUCK. _

__ She practically swallowed him whole, gagging a little when her lips touched the base. She continued her rough pace, this time using her free hand to jerk him off all the while. Sebastian let a low groan escape his throat, nails digging into the couch, toes curling at the feeling of his dick hitting the back of her throat. Raw sexual energy radiated off of her like heat and he knew she’d been holding this back for a long time.

She twisted her hand a little each time her hand came up towards her mouth. He needed this. He needed  _ her _ . She made the sweetest little noises when going down on him; little moans and whimpers that brought him closer to the edge. Sebastian fought the urge to fuck her mouth relentlessly.

Ash reached up to entangle her fingers in his, somehow managing to make him blush despite what she was doing. Somehow her holding his hand while giving him head was significantly more… scandalous? Romantic? Flustering? Either way, he felt his both heads growing warmer. 

He didn’t want to come yet but  _ Yoba, it had been a long time.  _ That and she was exceptionally good at… this. Leaning back, Sebastian put his hand back onto her head and gently bucked his hips. She let out a pleased moan of approval.

“Where do you want it?” He panted, watching her swallow him over and over again. She responded by simply taking him in all the way, bracing herself with both hands. 

“ _ Fuck-- _ ”

He shot deep into her throat, earning a mix between a gag and a satisfied chirp from her. She sucked him through his orgasm, waiting until the gentle shudder of his hips had died down to pull, agonizingly slow again, off of his cock.

“That was… intense.” He breathed once he’d come back down to earth. She sat happily next to him, legs swinging over the edge of the couch. 

“I’m glad you liked it! It’s been awhile for me.”

“Me too.” 

She was beaming, like she’d won a prize or received some high honor just by making him cum. It was precious.

“Do you want me to--”

“Oh, no! It’s okay!” Ash squeaked, putting her hands up. “I uh, it’s-- like--”

“Hey.” He rested a hand against her soft face. “You don’t owe me an explanation. Thank you for doing all that for me.”

It was her turn to blush now, turning away with bright red cheeks. She shoved her head into the crook of his neck. 

“My dick is still out.” He grumbled, nudging her a little. She didn’t budge.

“It’s cute.”

“Ew, don’t say that!” He couldn’t help but laugh, forcing himself out from beneath her to shimmy his pants back on. She pouted. 

“What made you suddenly want to do that anyway? Not complaining by the way, I’ve been wanting to go a little further.”

Ash bit her lip, the beginnings of a smile forming on the corners of her mouth.

“I have been, too. I don’t know, for some reason sometimes I get bouts of hypersexuality after panic attacks? That and it just… Felt right.” 

He grinned. It did feel right.  _ She  _ felt right. They felt right  _ together.  _ Watching her cuddle up to him again, he felt… complete. 

“Wanna take a nap?”

_ Oh god, she’s perfect.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys know that there are no good songs about blowjobs? I tried to find a romantic beej song to reference in here and...yeah. Did you know that occasional to frequent hypersexuality is often a result of trauma, and as such sometimes victims can experience bouts of arousal after panic attacks? The brain is a weird organ. Have a good day!


	37. 36 - Only Wanna be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash has dinner with Sebastian's family. Things get emotional.

_ You sucked Sebastian off yesterday. _

__ Ash’s waking thought made her eyes pop open. She sat straight up, near-blind eyes wildly grabbing for her glasses and phone upon her bedside table. 

**Hey beautiful <3**

OH GODS.

Heat traveled straight to her core as she realized yes, this was not a dream, this was a real life occurrence that Actually Happened. She shot back some generic, quick response in her stupor, something along the lines of “hey handsome, how did you sleep?” but frankly she didn’t even bother to check and make sure she actually sent him something in plain english before tossing her phone to the side with a scream.

What did this mean? What happens now? Were they dating? Did he think she was easy? Oh gods what if he thought she was a whore--

She checked her phone haphazardly, shocked to find that he’d already texted back.

**I was thinking you could come over for dinner tonight. My mom’s making spaghetti, I know you like pasta.**

_ FUCK, MY HEART. _

__ Pasta was, indeed, the key to her heart. Carbs in general got her going. She couldn’t refuse this delicious, saucy, noodley offer.

_ I would love to! Give me a time; I’ll bring dessert! _

__ _ WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?! _

Ash knew how to make three things; pasta, sandwiches, and rice. She was not a baker. She was not a pastry chef. She was, again, simply a slut for carbs. But the text was sent, the damage was done, and now she had to look up recipes for whatever the fuck she could whip up in the span of a day. She’d be caught dead before she brought something store-bought when Robin was going through the trouble of making a nice dinner all by herself.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who the fuck makes  _ cobbler  _ when they’re trying to impress someone?

Looking disgustedly at the goopy, brown-and-orange, bubbling mass in her mother’s favorite glass dish, she cursed herself. This was gonna take for fucking ever to clean. The dish would probably forever have a burnt crust of peachy goop around it. Sorry, mom.

Deciding that it would have to be good enough, she gingerly pushed the dish to a safe area on the stove to cool.

“Pickles,” she said warily, “if you stick your paw in this you’re gonna get hurt, and so are my feelings. Please don’t be a bastard today.”

_ Meow. _

__ “Thank you.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ash’s anxiety set in just as she crossed the threshold to Sebastian’s home.

Though she’d been in Robin’s shop countless times, tonight it felt… Unfamiliar. For she was not here for business; she was here to impress. To make a second first impression. No longer was she the farmer, the client, the newcomer. She was a potential suitor for Robin’s only son. 

Ash had always had a weird need to appease her partners’ mothers-- she felt it was the highest honor in a relationship to have a future mother in law that adored her. She had a good track record, and her friendship with Robin should had made things easier, but she felt nervous nonetheless. 

Because tonight, she was no longer a humble friend of Robin’s. She was vying to be her future daughter in law.

“I’m here!” She announced to the empty shop, feeling blind in the cabin despite her multiple prior visits. Each step felt like a step closer into the unknown, into the dragon’s den, into--

“Hey Ash! You can set that on the counter here. Make yourself at home.”

Oh.

Robin stood as unitimidating as possible, dressed in what looked like an old t-shirt and sweatpants with a stained yellow apron, idly stirring sauce into a pot of noodles.

“Oh, you’re already almost done?” Ash gasped, as if she hadn’t wanted things to work out this way. “I’d have come earlier and helped out, but dessert took a bit longer than I was anticipating.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Robin beamed, watching her set the dish down from the corner of her eye. “You already did enough by making dessert, that was very sweet of you. Pun intended!”

Ash laughed a little too nervously, a tense ball forming in her stomach. This was as pleasant as could be and yet she still felt wound up. Nothing could make her feel worse--

“Hey, farmer!”

OH.

Ash whipped around to face a grinning Maru, who she only now noticed was a good eight inches shorter than her. She admired Demetrius and Maru, but dreaded their scientific laments, as her mathematic and science skills were… lacking, to say the least. 

“Hey!” She chirped, eyes searching desperately for something normal to talk about. “You uh, you guys have such a nice house! I haven’t really taken a good look at it like this!”

Maru gave her an empathetic smile.

“Let’s have a seat, hm? I already told Sebastian you’re here.”

… Was it that obvious that she was nervous?

Face hot with shame, Ash scurried to the seat that looked like it would probably be unoccupied had she not been there. She wanted to disappear into the swirling pattern of the tablecloth. She sat there for a moment, stupidly taking up space in this beautiful kitchen where she didn’t belong, before a comforting set of footsteps perked her up.

“Hey cutie,” He said, low voice sending her back to the reality she wished to escape. She gave him a shaky smile. 

“Hey you.” She responded. He sat next to her and  _ fuck he smelled good,  _ always something earthy like myrrh, lemongrass, or patchouli. Never like that shitty garbage cologne Harvey and her father wore--

Shaking her head, Ash blinked back to reality just in time to see Robin neatly place a plate of spaghetti in front of her. She squeaked.

“I-I could help!” She stammered, hands wriggling awkwardly. Robin chuckled.

“Stay there, Ash. I do this every other night.”

Sebastian grunted.

“Except for when Demetrius tries to cook…”

He and Ash shared a grin, earning a noise of disapproval from Maru.

“What’s wrong with dad’s mushroom soup?” She mumbled, pushing her square glasses up the bridge of her nose. Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“The mushrooms, for starters.”

Robin gave him a gentle smack on the back of the head as she set his plate down, earning a startled laugh from her son. Ash felt her anxiety slowly bubbling away as she settled in. It put her at ease to see Sebastian’s family so comfortable around her.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So Ash,” Demetrius began as he sat down. “Tell me how the mushrooms are doing so far!”

Ash looked up wide-eyed from her plate, taken aback as she was strategically twisting a mouth-sized amount of spaghetti onto her fork. She had a habit of eating like a pig.

“They’re doing great! Thanks for letting me have them.” She said stupidly, immediately cursing herself for her poor choice of words. Demetrius wasn’t necessarily letting her have anything-- he came every so often to check the mushrooms’ progress and in exchange Ash could sell them for a profit. If anything, it was a mutual exchange. Luckily he merely nodded in response.

“Dad’s been telling me all about the little cave you have!” Maru chirped. “It’s so fascinating that the soil in there is adequate for many different kinds of mushrooms.”

Ash blinked.

“I… Mushrooms are mushrooms, yeah? Do they not all grow the same?”

Demetrius stifled a laugh and Ash felt herself growing hot with shame again.

“Not necessarily, Ash.” He said simply. “Some mushrooms grow better with certain pH levels, others require different amounts of water on a daily basis. It’s really a scientific marvel that your grandfather’s farm can produce these fungi in such a small space!”

_ Ash, your idiot is showing. _

__ “I… agree.” She said flatly, unsure of exactly how to respond. Perhaps it was a scientific extravaganza on her farm, but she could care less as long as she could profit off her crops.

“So hey,” Sebastian cut in, clearly sensing a lull in conversation. “How’s Pickles doing?”

She perked up. Now  _ this  _ was a topic she was knowledgeable on!

“He’s great! Finally got him to stop knocking my makeup brushes off my vanity.”

Demetrius actually chuckled at this. He set his fork down, resting his chin on his palms.

“So, Ash. I feel like Robin and you are already well acquainted, but me and Maru aren’t as familiar with you. Mind telling us about yourself?”

Ash chewed thoughtfully, wondering how exactly to introduce herself. Twenty-one years of being the exact same person (for the most part), and she didn’t even have her own personality down yet.

“Well, let me start off by saying that farming wasn’t exactly a part of me until I moved here.” She began. “I’m a writer at heart, I love art and music, I enjoy video games now and then, and I also love fashion.”

Maru nodded as she spoke, listening attentively. Demetrius was understandably not intrigued, as their interests were just about polar opposites.

“I noticed you have really nice clothes!” The brunette said, her chirpy voice bringing an air of pleasantness to what seemed to be an otherwise neutral table. 

“Doesn’t she? I remember when I used to dress like Ash!” Robin chuckled, dabbing at her lips with a napkin. Ash felt herself growing uneasy from all the attention. She looked to Sebastian for solace, but noticed he seemed… off. 

He stabbed nonchalantly at his meal, eyes far away and brows furrowed.

“You’ve barely touched your food,” Ash said worriedly. “Is everything okay?”

Sebastian looked up, eyes scanning around and finally settling on her. He mumbled something in response. She felt worry rising in her stomach.

“Ignore him,” Maru said with a wave of dismissal. “He’s probably thinking about programming.”

Ash continued to eat in silence, wading through the idle dinnertime chatter with short answers or noises of approval. She looked to Sebastian every once in awhile but could not focus enough to get a good read on his emotions. Had she said something wrong? Was he having second thoughts?  _ Maybe I should leave… I could probably have my stuff shipped back to Zuzu soon and nobody would remember me and-- _

__ “I’ll take that from ya!” Came Maru’s happy voice from over her shoulder. She took Ash’s plate gingerly and set it on a stack balancing upon her arm. 

“Anybody have room for dessert?”

Ash looked to Robin, who stood cheerily holding her less than impressive cobbler. She chewed her lip.

“Why don’t we wait a bit? That way we aren’t too stuffed.”

The ginger woman nodded knowingly, giving Ash a passing wink as she retired back to the kitchen. Ash stood, running a finger along Sebastian’s shoulder and hooking it on his hoodie.

“We need to talk.” She whispered, gently pulling on the black garment. Sebastian stood gruffly after a moment’s hesitation.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So what’s going on?” Ash said expectantly as soon as Sebastian’s door was shut. He rubbed the back of his neck, taking a seat on the bed. Ash sat next to him. 

“I can’t stop thinking about yesterday.” He said finally. “I need to know more, Ash. I need to know what I can do to help you. It’s driving me fucking insane to know that you’re holding so much pain within you.”

Ash sucked in a breath. This was… sudden. He looked at her past thick black hair, eyes unreadable and lips set in a thin line. She looked around the room for some kind of distraction, some kind of escape, something to get her out of this, but found nothing.

This was it.

She had to tell Sebastian everything.

“Only if you tell me more about your past, too.” She choked. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment and she thought she’d struck a nerve, but he nodded slowly. Ash swallowed back the lump in her throat.

“My father was abusive in every possible way. He was an angry narcissist and he is the reason I’m as fucked as I am. I have had plenty of abusive relationships and those ranged in forms of abuse as well. Physical, sexual, verbal, mental, you name it, I’ve endured it. I’ve been abused from the moment I was born… It’s all I know.”

She paused, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill down her carefully made-up cheeks.

“I was afraid to be alive. I was in danger every minute of every day in my own home. Sometimes I’d wake up and he’d be standing there. Some days he got angry with me just for speaking to my mother… I could go on about my dad, Sebastian. If I tried to tell you everything I’d be here for years, because my earliest memory is being abused on my birthday. I can’t tell you everything right now.”

__ _ But I want you to be in my life long enough to know every part of me, good and bad. _

__ Sebastian let out a breath that he’d been holding for a long time. He looked… tired. Angry. Sad. He reached into his bedside table to grab a cigarette, something she had not seen him with in a long time, and she stopped him.

“Don’t.” He growled, “Don’t preach to me about how well I’ve been doing, I--”

“My dad smoked.” Ash choked, tears finally raining down her round cheeks. “The smell-- it triggers me.”

Sebastian stared at her for a long while, eyes reading somewhere between horrified and numb. He stood, crushing the pack of cigarettes in his fist, and threw them in the trash.

“Then I’ll never do it again.” He said simply. 

“You promised to tell me about yourself.”

He rolled his eyes, not maliciously, but rather as if he’d forgotten that yes, Sebastian, you also have to open up for once. He fiddled with his phone for a moment until faint music played from a nearby speaker. She recognized the song immediately-- I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick. 

“Good choice.” 

“Thanks… I’ve been in a lot of relationships, too.” Sebastian said, taking his previous seat next to her. “Mostly one-sided. No matter what it always seemed like I loved more than they did. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, used, manipulated… Got diagnosed with AVPD and I’m pretty sure that and my dad leaving is why.”

He paused for a moment, searching for something else in the bedside table. Ash pulled her vape from her pocket and turned it on, prodding him in the side with it until he graciously took it and inhaled deeply.

“I don’t trust people.” Sebastian muttered through a cloud of vapor. “That’s why I’m cold to everyone sometimes, including you. I have these thoughts that tell me I’m not enough for anyone and that everyone is lying to me.”

He tilted the small black device her way and she took it, taking a long drag before passing it back. She felt her body relax. 

“It doesn’t help that my own family treats me like I’m not enough… That’s why I wanna take things slow with you. I know you’re different, but I can’t escape the paranoia that other people left behind in my heart. You treat me like gold and here I am, not even giving you a fucking bouquet after you suck me dry. I didn’t deserve that, by the way.”

Ash looked over and noticed that his eyes were misty. She pulled him closer, allowing him to rest his head in her lap. She  _ was _ different. He deserved everything in her eyes-- love, happiness, respect. The fact that nobody else saw that made her blood boil. 

“I’ll be careful with you, Sebastian.” She promised. “I’ve been hurt too and I can’t fathom the idea of making anyone else feel the same way I felt.”

She laid back, stroking his soft hair as he curled closer into her lap. A different song was playing now, one that she also recognized. He had good taste… and his playlist had good timing.

_ Yeah I'm tangled up and blue _

_ I only wanna be with you _

_ You can call me your fool _

_ I only wanna be with you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Actually posting on LASaturday? :0 woah!!! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the feels. For my fans, I now have a ko-fi! If you enjoy my work please help me pay my rent and buy a new laptop, as I am poor and my computer is horribly slow! :3 https://ko-fi.com/ashyb00 thanks even if you can't donate; you reading my fanfic makes my heart smile.


	38. 37 - Summer Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and the gang plan a party for Sam.

Sebastian awoke to the unfamiliar feeling of another body in his bed.

Panicking, he flung the covers off of himself, scrambling to a stand only to see… her.

Every possible scenario ran through his mind in an instant until he remembered that no, nothing had happened, he and Ash had just gotten really, really emotional and really, really tired. 

…

She was cute when she slept.

Her makeup had smeared significantly in her sleep, revealing that she had mere half-inch stubs for eyebrows underneath whatever product she used to make them look normal. She also had thick black streaks under her eyes from the night before, indicating that she’d been crying. Made sense. She looked almost like a fucked-up porcelain doll as she slept, one who had been taken poor care of and battered. In a way, that’s what she was--

She screamed.

“Sebastian?!” She shrilled, “Why the fuck are you watching me sleep?!”

_ FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK. OH MY GOD. _

__ It set in, how creepy he must look. Sitting there lamenting over how beautifully broken she was as she slept vulnerably, god, what was he, a shitty YA novelist? Jesus.

“I… I don’t know.”

She sat up and rubbed her eyes, creating black marks on her fists. Her expression softened.

“Sorry, that’s one of my triggers. I shouldn’t have gotten mad. What time is it?”

_ Oh. Okay? _

__ He checked his phone and  _ OH FUCK. _ They had been sleeping for a good ten hours.

__ “Sam’s party!” Sebastian exclaimed, “We have to help Abi set shit up in, like, an hour and a half.”

Ash squeaked, eyes wide with panic.

“I have to get home and get ready! Oh god, what are your parents gonna think of me? I slept here!”

She rushed out of bed and looked at herself in her phone’s camera. 

“I look like I’ve taken like, eight dicks up my ass right now! They’re gonna think I’m a--”

“Ash, jesus! I’ll tell them what happened later, let’s just get to the farm. We’ll both get ready there. We’ll take the bike.”

She visibly cringed, but agreed nonetheless.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With only a minor burn to her shin, Sebastian managed to get Ash back to the farm in one piece. They scrambled inside, Ash immediately taking a seat on her vanity while Sebastian hopped in the shower.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna shower?” He asked over the running water, “I-I’m not implying anything! I mean, like, after me!”

“There’s no time,” Ash said simply. She sounded focused. “My makeup alone is gonna take an hour.”

He shrugged, continuing to lather whatever peachy, rosey, pink-y shampoo she had on her shower caddy into his hair. He couldn’t help but snoop a little, inspecting her shower products. Matching color-safe shampoo and conditioner, a tub of what was said to be coloring conditioner that had orange stains on it, a bar of natural lavender soap, and a tea tree oil face wash. The bath was a nice size, easily enough for two people… 

_ Fuck. _

__ He found his dick twitching a little at the thought. 

The shower curtain opened slightly and he whipped around, swearing that she must have been a god damn mind reader, only to see a little orange head taking in the view.

“Uh… Your cat is watching me shower.” He stifled a laugh. Ash made an embarrassed noise from her bedroom and ran in, snatching the cat from the edge of the shower. He caught a glimpse of her politely shielding her eyes with her free hand. 

“I’m almost ready, I managed to turn my makeup from last night into kind of a cute smokey eye so that cut down a lot on my time.”

“Nice! I’ll be out soon, then we can get dressed.” He paused. “N-not together--”

“Sebastian, I  _ know. _ ”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How did you get Lewis to let us use this place?” Sam marveled, taking in the decorations around him. Ash had insisted they go all out upon hearing that Sam was one of those people that didn’t enjoy their own birthday. She had ordered balloons, tablecloths, party favors, anything a birthday party could have while still being lowkey.

“I told him I was coming in here to do yoga. Said the farm was too noisy. I figured that’d keep him from bothering me, but we do have to be mindful of the noise we make.”

Ash nodded towards the speaker near the corner of the entrance hall, which was playing some generic dance music at a respectable volume. 

“Well, I appreciate it. I know this was your idea, seeing as these two have always been cool with me not caring about my birthday.” Sam said graciously, jerking a thumb at Sebastian and Abigail. Ash shrugged as if she hadn’t blown what must have been a couple hundred dollars on him, judging by the array of alcohol on a nearby table.

“Don’t mention it. Enjoy yourselves!” She shooed the birthday boy towards said alcohol table. 

Sebastian admired their handiwork; five hours of it to be exact. They started around noon and finished in the nick of time when he rushed to Sam’s house to get him and lead him (blindfolded, as per Ash’s request) to the community center. Sam started the night off with a suggestion from Ash-- blue raspberry vodka and Sprite. She affectionately called it “pool water” for its color. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After about an hour, everyone had a nice buzz. Except for Abigail, the lightweight who was piss drunk off of three hard lemonades. She was practically hanging off of Sam, who seemed not to mind her advances. Sebastian cringed at the sight of his two best friends’ shameless flirting.

“What happened to Sam and Penny?” Ash asked, swirling her cup of vodka cranberry.

“Penny isn’t the party type, so she didn’t come. I guess Sam got scared off when she started talking about how she wants marriage and kids in her future.”

Ash tsked disapprovingly.

“Men.” She grumbled, taking a bitter swig of her drink. “They bolt at the mere mention of commitment.”

Sebastian snorted. 

“It wasn’t even directed at him,” He said quietly. “They were literally just talking about where they thought they’d be in ten years, because that was some project she gave Vincent and Jas to do. The topic came up and I guess it freaked him out that she wanted an actual future.”

Ash curled her lip at Sam, who appeared to be having a great time with Abigail considering they were making eyes at the next room over.  _ Christ. _

__ “Does it… bother you?” Ash asked. “Seeing them together?”

Sebastian shrugged. Truthfully, it didn’t bother him to see Abigail with anyone any more. Maybe if she’d asked a year ago when she arrived to Pelican Town, but right now, jealousy wasn’t really anything Sebastian felt any more. Especially not regarding his exes. 

“Only because it’s weird to see your two friends make eyes at each other.” He responded, knocking back a sip of whatever the fuck Ash had given him. It smelled cinnamony but tasted like cherry Coke. She referred to it as a Spectre shot. 

Ash made a stunned noise as the two practically dragged each other into the dilapidated side room. Sebastian watched his two best friends disappear with a groan.

“That’s  _ revolting. _ ” He grumbled, finishing his drink off with a grimace. The liquor had settled to the bottom and it became very evident that there was Fireball involved. Ash sighed and stood up, marching to the narrow hallway that connected to the community center’s main entrance.

“What are you--”

“ _ HEY. _ ” Ash hissed, “Use protection if you two are gonna bone, apparently Sam is afraid of commitment.”

Sebastian found himself practically dying laughing as she strode back to him. 

“I told him I wasn’t gonna tell anybody about that!” He wheezed. 

“You think they’re gonna remember shit in the morning? Let’s get out of here. I need to burn the image of them tongue-fucking each other from my retinas.”

Disappointed that they didn’t get much out of their hard work, Sebastian stood nonetheless. She began packing the alcohol into a cooler.

“They don’t need any more of this.” Ash grumbled, staggering a little as she walked. “Neither do we, but I paid for it and I’m gonna get my money’s worth.”

Shrugging, Sebastian held the door to the community center open, only to find a very  stern-looking Lewis standing outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week's update will take place as per usual but updates will likely be scattered thereafter; I'm in a writing funk :U


	39. 38 - Peak*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CW NSFW, alcohol mention) Sebastian and Ash get a little closer.

Ash stumbled into the farmhouse toting a cooler (and a Sebastian) full of alcohol. She placed the former near her fridge, while the latter wasted no time making himself comfortable on the couch, startling a previously snoozing Pickles. The cat let out an annoyed meow and trotted, tail swishing, to the bedroom. 

“You stole his seat.” Ash complained.

“He’s a cat.”

“A  _ handsome  _ cat who I love very much!” She popped open a nice bottle of wine for themselves, specifically a strawberry moscato, and headed over to the couch. Nudging Sebastian so that he could lay with his head in her lap, she grabbed the remote.

“Feel like watching a movie?” She chirped, flicking through some of the recommendations provided by Netflix. Nothing good, of course. Sebastian merely grumbled in response, taking the bottle from her other hand and drinking awkwardly from it. 

“Maybe don’t lie down and drink.” Ash suggested, but he did not listen. She sighed. “We’re watching The Thing, and you are gonna like it.”

There was a pause.

“1982 or 2011 version?”

Ash stopped. She wasn’t expecting him to know anything about her questionable taste in movies. 

“1982. It’s more quotable and classic. Also, fuck you for being so perfect, literally nobody besides me and Sarah know about The Thing.” 

Sebastian snorted, handing her the bottle of deep red wine. She took a slow drink, savoring the sweetness on her tongue. He sat slowly, swaying a bit as he did so, and put an arm around her. This was bliss.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So whatever happened to your whole Pagan shtick?” Sebastian asked, words only slightly slurred as a second bottle of wine neared empty. Ash sighed bitterly.

“I don’t feel good enough to practice.” She said. “I love everything about witchy culture, but I was always so ignorant. Nothing I did worked; no spells, no healing, no manifestation. I began to feel inferior and like I didn’t belong. Now my altar supplies lay packed away shamefully in a box somewhere.”

Sebastian nuzzled her comfortingly.

“Maybe one day you can pick it back up.” He said, voice low enough to be soothing but loud enough to be heard. She shuddered and suddenly found that the movie was no longer fascinating. 

In a fit of confidence, she yanked the bottle from its resting position on the floor and downed what little was left. Sebastian let out a chuckle, but she cut him off by colliding her lips into his. She kissed him clumsily, needily, and he matched her passion. He pulled away only to catch his breath and say-

“What brought this on?” 

She moved her kisses to his neck, eliciting a satisfied moan from her partner.

“Might be the alcohol. Wine makes me rowdy.” 

Sebastian laughed suddenly, the kind of laugh that explodes out of you and dissolves into amused giggles.

“ _ Rowdy?  _ Are you fucking eighty? Get over here.” 

He pulled her face back to his, kissing her with a lot more skill and class than she’d previously shown him. She ground down on him and  _ gods  _ this was happening fast but she couldn’t control it, she wanted him and he wanted her and it was amazing-

“Can I go down on you?”

Oh.

_ Oh fuck. _

__ “Yes,” she breathed, not even thinking her response through. “Please.” 

She panicked internally a little-- she hadn’t showered that morning and she was a trimmer not a shaver and it was hard to make her cum--

“Relax.” Sebastian said, a new, dominating tone to his voice as he sank to his knees. She melted at the sight.

He slid her panties off from beneath her dress, pressing tender kisses along her thighs as he did so. She waited for him to show any signs of remorse or disgust, but none came. Instead he teased her relentlessly; sucking dark bruises onto her inner thighs, licking tantalizingly close to her slit. She squirmed under him and he pinned her wrists down, sending her into a fit of ecstasy. She wanted to be dominated, to be beneath him and to be putty in his hands and under his tongue--

Sebastian flicked his tongue across her opening and Ash swore she could see stars. 

Her back instinctively arched when he finally made contact with her clit. He licked slowly at first, teasing her even further, all the while keeping a firm grip on her wrists, locking them down to the couch. Her breath was shuddered when he sped up, tongue lashing against her sensitive clit. 

“Seb…” She whimpered. He responded by freeing one hand and shoving his middle finger inside, earning a loud moan from his partner. Ash bucked her hips as he fucked and licked her and, for the first time, she felt like she wouldn’t last long.

She swore to the gods despite being so full of sin. Her head thrashed and she gasped for air as he relentlessly sucked at her throbbing bud, fingers clawing at the couch cushion underneath her. Her legs shook and her voice grew strangled as she screamed, over and over calling out for him, begging him incoherently, using her freed hand to shove his face even further against her wet cunt. Tears pricked at her eyes as he inserted his ring finger, stretching her out and adding a final level of ecstasy to the experience. 

“Sebastian…” Ash practically sobbed, “K-keep going… I’m so close--”

His nails dug into her wrist and she threw her head back, letting out one last shrill cry as her orgasm hit her. He ate her like he was starving, fingers working her g-spot until the last of her cries died out. With one last shudder, she fell limp. 

Sebastian stood, wiping his mouth casually with the back of his sleeve. He sat back next to her, watching the quiet rise and fall of her chest. She turned to him suddenly once she’d caught her breath.

“Seb,” she panted. “Do you… actually wanna be with me? Or do you just  _ want _ me?”

He quirked a brow, appearing surprised by her sudden revelation. He put an arm around Ash and pulled her into his lap.

“I want you, but I wanna be with you, too. I’m sorry if I gave you any mixed signals.”

“No, you didn’t. I’m just used to being used.”

__ He nuzzled her neck comfortingly.

__ “I’m gonna get us a snack and water, then we’re gonna talk about us.”

He placed her gingerly back onto the couch and stood, walking towards a nearby pantry. There had to be snacks somewhere around here. He began to reach for one, but was stopped suddenly by two desperate hands clawing at his hoodie and wrenching him back.

“D-don’t!” She squeaked, blue eyes wide with terror. “I have, uh, I have… tampons… In there…?”

Sebastian stared blankly at her. She was a terrible liar. 

Opening the cupboard despite her pleas, he found…

_ Ah. _

__ _ This is how it ends. _

__ A bouquet, wrapped in cellophane, sat carefully and arranged with great care in a deep blue vase. There was a little tag strung around the stems that read his name, from Ash.

“Ash…” he breathed, carefully taking the vase from its place on the shelf. He was speechless, be it having nothing or too much to say, so Ash spoke.

“Sebastian, I really want us to be together… Exclusively.” Ash said, clearly fighting back tears. She wouldn’t look at him. 

“I accept.”

_ WHAT. _

“...What?”

“What? I said I accept. I want us to be together, too. I’m really sorry you couldn’t give this to me yourself… It’s beautiful.”

He admired the dozen red roses, each one trimmed and placed exactly how it needed to be. She had wanted to wait until they were sober, until their heads were clear, until his judgement was better but  _ fuck,  _ this was happening. This was really truly happening. He’d changed so much since they’d met; gone was the recluse who loved nothing in this world besides nicotine and brooding. He didn’t smoke cigarettes, he looked healthier, his personality glowed alongside him. He was...

“My everything.” Sebastian said quietly, looking her right in her big, watery eyes. He pulled her into a tight hug and she never wanted him to let go.

“I didn’t think I c-could feel this way a-any more,” Ash sputtered, tears soaking through his hoodie as they cascaded down her cheeks. “I thought that these feelings had been taken away from me and that I was dead inside and that I couldn’t trust or love again and I--”

“Hey.” He nuzzled softly against her ear, holding her even tighter. “It’s over now. I’m not going anywhere and I sure as hell ain’t gonna hurt you.”

Ash sobbed, body shuddering and knees buckling under the weight of her past. She cried for the parts of her that died, for the parts stolen from her, for the parts that faded without a trace or reason. She cried knowing that it was over. Knowing that she was safe. Knowing that she was loved. 

“I didn’t think I’d find you either.” He whispered, eliciting a keening cry from his partner. “I thought I had to be alone forever, but here you are. Here we are.”

She pulled back momentarily, eyes red and puffy and cheeks stained with mascara.

“Will you stay over tonight?”

“... Absolutely.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Sorry about how big my clothes are on you…” Ash grumbled, watching Sebastian cinch her plaid pajama pants for the hundredth time. He shrugged.

“They work just fine. Let’s get some sleep, hon. You had a long day.”

_ Ah… My heart. _

__ She saw him reach for a pillow and briefly wondered if he was going to take it to the couch and sleep there, but was pleasantly surprised when he merely fluffed it up and laid down. 

“Come here.” He crooned, opening his arms. Ash paused for a second, debating taking her medicine first, but… It could wait.

She nestled between his arms, facing him, and rest her head against his chest. He was surprisingly soft for someone so skinny and (fairly, with the farm work) muscular. Then again he was wearing her clothes. 

“Good night, Seb.” She whispered.

“Good night.”

Ash waited patiently for his breathing to slow and, when she was sure he was asleep, she cautiously pulled out of his grip and grabbed her phone. 

_ SARAH. _

_ I HAVE A BOYFRIEND :D _

_ He accepted my bouquet! _

To her surprise, Sarah responded immediately. She must have been up late playing video games again.

**DSGHFGKFHJGFHGJFHGDFLKFD**

**AAAASSHHHHHHHHH <3333333**

**Im so happy for u bby congratulations!**

**I knew he liked u dunkass**

Ash snorted. 

_ I gtg to bed he’s sleeping over (nothing like that!) and I dont wanna wake him _

_ Ilu tho _

_ Thanks for always hearing my ramblings bih _

Setting her phone to silent, Ash hurried to the kitchen for a glass of water and sorted her medications. Something for sleep, something for migraines, something for depression. Nothing new. 

She laid back down and, stirring only momentarily, Sebastian pulled her back into a tight cuddle. 

This was bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY another update! I've been sitting on this chapter for awhile but alas, life has made writing new ones difficult, so I don't have any more stockpiled. I want to change that soon though. I am escaping an abusive job situation as of tomorrow and everything seems to be comin' up Ash! :D Hopefully new chapters will come easier to me now that life will be less dreary. Enjoy everyone! You can check me out on tumblr @temp3sts for ways to support me!


	40. 39 - Fervor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash and Sebastian spend the morning together.

For the second time, Sebastian woke up in bed with Ash.

She slept soundly in his arms, pillow situated strategically in a way that supported her chin and her head. Her clothes were large and comforting against his smaller frame. Her pajama pants were a bit short, but that was because he was tall as all hell. She was tall too, come to think of it, especially compared to the other women in Pelican Town. She stood only a head shorter than he, whereas Abigail came to only his mid-ribcage. Her friend Sarah had been even shorter so, looking like a shadow beneath Ash’s leggy frame. 

Sebastian reached for his phone and she stirred immediately, filling him with guilt. Her sleepy blue eyes blinked up at him and she smiled.

“I guess that wasn’t a dream.” She mumbled, voice heavy and low with sleep. The redhead sat up and stretched, only to be gingerly tugged back down.

“Not so fast.” Sebastian purred, nuzzling her ear. “It’s only like, five-thirty in the morning. We’ve only been asleep for a few hours.”

“I wake up at six.” She retorted. “Every morning. Animals like routine.”

He whined, tightening his grip on her.

“Stay,” he said, “just a bit longer.”

Ash feigned a sigh. 

“My chickens--”

“Can wait.” He pressed a finger to her lips, replacing it with his own after a moment. “You worry so much about everything but yourself. Relaxing for a half hour isn’t gonna kill you or your chickens.”

The tension left her shoulders and he pulled her closer. They exchanged sleepy kisses, bodies intertwining together as they watched the sun slowly stream through the blinds that had not been closed. 

“You have a beautiful view here.” Sebastian breathed, craning his neck to look at her face. The sunlight made her face look radiant, enhancing all the precious, soft curves of her cheeks, lips, and nose. Her eyes sparkled like little jewels beneath the light and her lashes were heavy with last night’s mascara. His heart throbbed within the cavern of his chest.  _ I have a beautiful view here, too,  _ he thought.

He wondered what it might be like, living on the farm with her. It was definitely too soon to bring it up, but he could still dream… right? After all, Ash needed a farmhand and Sebastian needed somewhere else to live. 

_ Or maybe you’re gonna move too fast and fuck this one up, too. _

__ “Hey.” Ash said sternly. “I know that look. Tell the bad thoughts to go away.” 

She sat up again and he almost protested, but she merely grabbed her vape pen off the night stand. She took a long drag, exhaling light, wispy smoke from her lungs before handing the pen to him. 

And so they smoked together while the sun came up, his arm around her and her thigh against his. It was some shitty cinnamony flavor, reminding him of a hard candy his grandmother used to give him as a child, but the warmth of her lips lingered on the object and so he took it graciously each time it was handed to him. 

“I have to go, Sebastian.” She said finally. “I can make us breakfast when I’m done, if you want to stay.”

_ Fuuuuuuck. _

__ “I’d love to stay. I’ll be here.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian awoke to the touch of an unfamiliar bed and yet, somehow, he felt more at home than he ever did waking up on his own.

Ash was bustling in the kitchen, setting each pan and bowl down with such care as to not wake him. He strolled to the doorway and watched her, earning a startled jump from his partner when she discovered him.

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” She apologized with a pout. He shook his head.

“Quiet as a mouse. I woke up on my own.” 

“Good… How about bacon and pancakes? I don’t have much in the way of breakfast as I usually eat cereal.”

He nodded his thanks, striding over to a pan of sizzling bacon and giving it a little toss. Ash wrapped her arms around his waist. 

“Sit down,” she said gently. “I’ll cook.” 

And so Sebastian sat at her tiny dining table, watching her make her way about the kitchen. Clearly she knew it like the back of her hand, gathering forks and plates without as much as a passing glance at her surroundings. Eventually the bacon was crispy and the pancakes were browned, and she would begin to plate them up while Sebastian gathered butter and syrup from the fridge and pantry, respectively. 

“Seb,” Ash began once they were about halfway done. “Do you have any regrets? We weren’t sober last night. I understand if you think you made a mistake.” 

His head shot up, immediately searching into her watery eyes for any signs of humor, but no. She was dead serious. 

“Ash…” he scolded, “Just because I had a few drinks last night doesn’t mean I regret us at all. I want to be yours.”

She looked small, staring down at the table so to not look him in the eyes. A single tear raced down the contour of her cheek. 

“I just want to make sure,” she whimpered, lower lip trembling. “That I’m not forcing you into a situation you don’t want to be in.”

Sebastian furrowed his brows. Was she so insecure that she couldn’t accept his feelings? Or was he not being clear enough? He wondered if he truly understood the depths of her trauma-- how it enveloped her, altered her way of mind. He understood more than anyone in the Valley that trauma and loss changed a person. It rewires your entire brain, turning you into a reprogrammed version of your former self with only little traits here and there of the old you. It becomes you, trauma. He could only imagine how it became her.

“Are you happy?” Sebastian said suddenly. Ash looked up at him with fear in her eyes. She didn’t need to answer.

“Well, I want you to be. I know other people have probably said that, but I’m not them.” He stood, taking his plate with him. He’d thought too hard and ruined his appetite. 

“Just put it on the counter,” Ash sobbed, “I’ll save the leftovers. I’m sorry. I know you want to leave--”

“I  _ don’t. _ ” He cut her off sternly. “You’re clearly in a heightened emotional state because you were happy last night, and now you’re crashing. It’s okay.”

She blinked.

“I’ve… been reading up on BPD.”

A watery smile overcame her face. She looked touched, as if simple research to help him better understand her was some huge deed that he deserved praise for. He internally cursed the people who hadn’t treated her with the same kindness.

“You’re so sweet,” she whimpered, burying her face in her hands. “I can’t handle it.”

He wanted to correct her, tell her that he was being a decent human being, but decided against it. Pickles strutted his way between Sebastian’s legs and up to Ash as if on command. He always seemed to be there when Ash needed him.

“You have uh, a really good cat.” Sebastian said. Ash giggled.

“He’s the best! He always knows when I’m sad. And he catches all the field mice. I haven’t seen a single one since he got here!” 

…  _ Ew. _

__ He took a deep breath, deciding now was a good time to steer the subject to something he should have asked a long time ago.

__ “Do you want to go out tomorrow? It’s Demetrius’ birthday and I really don’t want to be there.”

She looked alarmed for a moment, as if she couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that he wanted to continue seeing his own girlfriend.

“Of course! Just come over, I’ll make something spec--”

“It’s my turn,” Sebastian interrupted. “To treat you, actually.” 

A blush lit her pale cheeks up like a Winter Star tree. She sputtered for a second.

“T-that sounds lovely! Just give me a time and I’ll be ready!” 

Sebastian found himself chuckling at her discomposure. She was damn cute with her cheeks bright red--

“See you then.” He pressed a sweet kiss to her soft lips, earning the most delighted, dazed look from his partner when he pulled away. “I’m gonna head to Sam’s… See how he’s doing.”

Ash nodded, sending her red waves bouncing around her face. 

“Have a good day, Sebastian.”

“You too, babe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! :3 I'm happy to be updating; this chapter is a much-needed fluffy filler until I can gain some real inspiration. I'm also happy to say that I escaped my abusive job situation... at the expense of a paycheck ^^; I now work a few hours a week selling beauty products but it's not really enough, so if you're looking for ways to support me, check out the pinned post on my tumblr @temp3sts !


	41. 40 - Succor*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash walks Shane to work. This leads to some unfortunate events. (TWs alcoholism, implied SH/suicidal ideology, PTSD, and abuse.)

Ash’s farmwork was interrupted by an early text.

**Hey kid, it’s been awhile. You forget about me?**

She smiled.

_ Never in a million years, Shane. Just been busy. Wanna swing by the farm before work? I can walk you. _

__ She was nearly done with her work, anyhow. Shane got up a bit later than she did. Anything she couldn’t complete could be done later; friends came first. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shane arrived shortly, trudging up to the farm in his usual hoodie. Ash watched his walk carefully for any signs of stumbling, but there were none. She was impressed.

“I’ll be ready in a sec, Shane!” She chirped, removing her gardening gloves. “Just gotta put on some comfier shoes.”

They made their way to the path leading off Scarlet Farm, Ash keeping a close eye on Shane for any unusual behavior. 

“How have you been?” She said finally, trying her best not to sound condescending. Shane sighed.

“The same as always.”

“Talking to Pumpkin isn’t helping?”

A gruff noise came from the man at her left side. 

“No, talking to a beautiful person does not magically cure my depression.” 

Ash couldn’t help but grin a little. He was still the same old Shane, but she could tell Pumpkin had instilled something within him. 

“You know her and Sarah are moving here very soon?”

“I do. It still doesn’t help.”

Ash shrugged. Shane had been callous to all of her offerings of help. He never reached out when he needed it, as he still drank his sorrows down every night. He didn’t seek therapy. If anything, the company provided by herself and Pumpkin was a bandage on a gunshot wound. But what was it that made Shane such a train wreck?

“Tell me when this all began.” She said quietly. Shane stopped dead in his tracks.

“I didn’t come here to get a fucking therapy session.” He hissed. Ash winced.

“Shane… Please. Let me help--”

“I don’t  _ want _ help!” Shane growled, taking a menacing step closer. Ash squealed like a wounded animal.

“Haven’t you considered the fact that I’m content in my misery? I stock shelves for a living at  _ twenty-five _ , Ash, I’m not going anywhere with my life!”

She stuttered uselessly, blinking back hot tears. She backed against whatever building they were in front of, trying to even out her breathing despite her rapidly beating heart.

“I don’t want help from anyone, I don’t want to go to therapy, I don’t want to stop drinking… I  _ deserve  _ this! I’m the reason for all the shit in my life and, hey, I kinda like having that sick sense of control.”

Ash hugged herself, sliding slowly down the wall as the tears that threatened at her lower lid finally slipped out. A nearby door slammed open, damn near crushing Ash in the process.

“Hey, jerk-off!” A familiar voice came from the now-ajar doorway. “If you wanna be a sack of shit all day that’s fine, but don’t you dare drag Ash down with you! Get the fuck off my property!”

Ash looked up in time to see a sea of amaranthine hair and she realized she was in front of Pierre’s. Shane stared her down for a long while, eliciting a pained cry from herself. She buried her face in her knees.

“ _ Go! _ ” Abigail screamed, shoving Shane with all her might. He stumbled back, sending two nips of Fireball from his pockets crashing to the ground. 

“Get your booze and leave, Shane.” Abigail said, voice thick with rage. He chuckled, snatching the bottles up and leaving Ash to shiver on the ground with Abigail, who was still seething.

“Are you with me, Ash?” She said gently, kneeling down to Ash’s height. The redhead nodded, eyes blown wide. “I’m so sorry that happened. Please come inside for a minute to calm down, okay?”

“...Okay.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ash rocked back and forth on Abigail’s bed, clutching a large, chocolate brown shiba inu plush to her chest while Abigail poured her a glass of water from a stash of ‘emergency bottles’ under her bed.

“W-why do you keep food and drinks under your bed?” Ash whimpered.

“Dad doesn’t like how late I stay up, so I stash snacks under here so I don’t have to creep around the house and get them.”

The redhead nodded understandingly. She also had to stash food at her house, but… for different reasons. 

Abigail handed her the water and gave her a little hug. Ash accepted both graciously, sipping the water and trying to ignore the taste of the warm, salty tears that flowed into her mouth in the process. 

“So…” Ash began, hoping not to trigger another outburst from Abigail as well. “Tell me what happened with Sam.”

Abi groaned dramatically, planting her face into her hands. Clearly the subject was still tender… But Ash  _ HAD _ to know.

“I swear to Yoba, nothing happened!” Abi whined. “We got a little handsy and I ended up feeling sick, so he walked me home after you and Sebastian left. Thanks for stealing all the booze, by the way!”

She delivered a playful punch to Ash’s arm to punctuate her sentence. Ash feigned a gasp.

“Stealing? I bought it! You’re just mad that you couldn’t drink enough to make Sam look good!”

“ _ ASH! _ ” 

They simmered into a pile of giggles on the bed, Abi’s thigh dangerously close to her own. Ash found her cheeks glowing red.

“I uh, I gave Sebastian the bouquet… Er, rather, he found it.”

Abigail clasped her hands together, a bright smile on her face.

“So it’s official!” She chided. “I’m so happy for the both of you!”

Ash’s cheeks hurt from smiling so hard. It was nice to be able to call Sebastian her boyfriend. She wasn’t sure where this relationship would take her, but she was excited to find out. She was tempted to ask Abigail for advice, but thought better of it. If herself and Sebastian were going to work out, she needed to figure him out for herself. And she was excited to do so.

“I have a good feeling about you two, Ash.” Abi said, face full of sincerity. Ash somehow smiled wider.

“I do, too.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere between walking home and beginning a little “project”, Ash’s phone went off. She half-expected it to be Shane, but was relieved to see Sebastian’s name pop up instead. 

**I’m picking you up in a couple hours. <3 Is that enough time to get ready?**

She eyed the already-prepared bottle of hair dye on her sink, the post-breakdown special. Truthfully it wasn’t enough time at all, but she’d make it work. She didn’t want to seem high-maintenance. 

_ Absolutely. I’ll see you then <3 _

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_ Why aren’t you happy? _

__ Staring herself down in the mirror, Ash pulled and tugged at her made-up face and freshly dyed hair.

_ You got what you wanted. _

__ She needed to feel something. 

_ You’re selfish. _

__ She needed to feel…

Staring at the steak knife she’d impulsively brought into the bathroom, she wondered if it was worth it. He’d notice eventually. And then he’d leave.

_ You’d deserve it. _

__ The pain or him leaving? Probably both. Shane had really gotten into her head and it was beginning to show. She wished he could see how alike they were… Both under the impression that they were deserving of misery. Both reliant on substances to stay afloat. Both inflicting their pain onto others. 

Throwing the knife to the side with a loud  _ clang _ , Ash checked her phone once more. Sebastian should be here soon. Great. He’d probably want to take her somewhere on the motorcycle. 

_ Why can’t you just be happy? _

__ Maybe it was because Shane’s outburst was all-too familiar. Sending her back to her childhood, years of drunken rants and unabashed anger directed at her for no reason at all. Shane would never commit the same atrocities as her father, but damn if he didn’t remind her of him some days.

His voice rang inside her head, unending swirls of memories she’d love to forget assaulting her fragile mind, bearing down on her sanity. It wasn’t fucking  _ fair, _ how years later he still had a grip on her. It wasn’t right that she had to spend her life wasting away because he made a horrible decision one night. It’s not okay, she wasn’t okay, she wanted it to be over--

_ No. _

__ Angrily wiping a stray tear from her cheek, Ash grabbed the knife again. She wasn’t about to let someone who she hadn’t spoken to in years drive a stake between her and Sebastian tonight. Making her way to the couch, she ignored the sound of a motorcycle in the distance. Years ago that sound meant certain doom, but she didn’t need to be afraid any more.

Sending the blade right through an innocent throw pillow, she screamed. Again and again she stabbed and screamed out her frustration, until her arms hurt and her throat near bled. She was a mess, sure, but she’d be a fucking functional one. She grabbed the mangled pillow from the couch and let out a final, horrific scream into the unassuming fabric, feeling the anger bubbling down to a bare simmer in her veins.  _ Not tonight, dad. Not tonight. _

__ The pillow was tossed under the couch as Sebastian made his way inside, and the knife was wedged between the cushions. No evidence, no crime. The only witness was a confused Pickles, who stared at her with blank green eyes from the corner. He’d never snitch anyway, even if he could. 

Sebastian sat nonchalantly on the couch next to her, unaware of the malfeasance committed by his girlfriend only seconds ago. His arm found its way around her trembling shoulders. 

“How do you feel about dinner and a bad movie?” He asked, ruffling his fingers through her now black and red hair. “I like this, by the way. The red bangs are a nice touch. You look like a Twitch streamer.”

She snorted. That was a high compliment, considering those girls basically got paid to look beautiful. 

“What movie are we talking about?” Ash asked, trying to hide her shaking voice. Sebastian giggled mischievously.

“It’s called Bunnyman.” He began. “It’s about a guy in a bunny costume that goes around killing people. I’ve seen it before, but I really want to watch it with you. It’s so bad that it’s  _ hilarious.  _ I promise you’ll like it.”

She grinned. That did sound hilarious.

“It’s a date! Let’s do dinner first though, I’m pretty hungry. I had an exciting day.”

“Oh yeah?” Sebastian cocked his head. “Tell me about it over dinner. I have a place in mind in the next town over. Saw it on the way home from therapy one day… Was it good exciting or bad exciting?”

Ash bit her lip.

“I’ll tell you over dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile guys! Sorry for all the TWs in this chapter, I needed a little bit of darkness to counteract all that fluff *_* btw, Bunnyman is a real movie trilogy. The 1st one is the best by a longshot. I recommend.


	42. 41 - Tonkotsu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian and Ash go on a date out of town.

Ash was getting more and more confident on Sebastian’s bike each time she rode with him.

He couldn’t even feel her trembling like she usually did, en route to the restaurant he’d chosen for them. Some little ramen place in the same city as his therapist’s office. He probably should have asked if she actually liked ramen first… Oh well.

The ride out to town was about 40 minutes, and Ash took it like a champ, snuggled up to his back like a baby koala the entire time. She managed to stay so still that for a while he wondered if she was actually asleep. He prodded her gently, eliciting a tiny squeak from his partner.

“Almost there.” He said over the loud putter of his motorcycle. She nodded. 

He parked as close as he could to the restaurant, but unfortunately for them this place was almost always packed. He’d made reservations, but that didn’t mean they’d be saved from the socially suffocating environment, tables jam packed and music on blast. Sebastian could sense her nervousness as they approached. 

“It’s not the most inconspicuous place.” He admitted. “But they’re really good.” 

She nodded again, perhaps still shaken from the bike ride. He noticed a burn mark on her pretty fishnets and felt a pang of guilt. Ash couldn’t seem to get the hang of riding without somehow hitting her leg against the exhaust… Which was understandable; he’d done it many a time as well.

He led her to the entrance of the restaurant, where they were greeted by a friendly hostess. Sebastian had had enough brain cells the other day to schedule a reservation, so they were seated immediately. The tension in Ash’s shoulders seemed to decrease as soon as they were seated. Her gaze met his and her eyes transformed, wide and anxious to deep oceanic apertures half-lidded and accented with a soft smile on her plum-colored lips. 

“I wouldn’t wanna be here with anyone else.” She cooed, voice enrapturing and melodic. He matched her relaxed posture, one elbow propped on the table to keep his head up and one arm draped over the lip of the surface. 

Not a minute further had passed before a waitress swiftly took their orders; Sebastian got his usual, spicy tonkatsu ramen. Maybe not the best date food, but it was damn good. Ash ordered edamame for the both of them and a bowl of pho for herself.

“Never had edamame, to be honest.” Sebastian said. “Not big on vegetables, but I trust your judgement.”

“Oh yeah, I promise it’s really good!” Ash chirped. “Plus, the menu said its covered in garlic and spices. That’s honestly really all edamame is; a vessel for spices and flavors.”

He nodded. It sounded good enough to him. A mildly uncomfortable silence fell over them; not the kind that feels so because of the lack of conversation in and of itself, but rather the kind that uneasy you because you know you  _ should  _ say something. Anything. 

“I saw your pile of stuffed animals the other day.” Sebastian said suddenly. It was all he could think of to say. “I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed it before… You have so many.”

Ash burst into a fit of giggles. She appeared to be somewhere between embarrassed and proud of herself.

“I love them! Plushies are one of the keys to my heart!” She squealed. Sebastian couldn’t suppress an enamored smile. He made a mental note that she loved plushies.

“Any other keys I should know about?” 

Ash sputtered, cheeks flushing. She laughed nervously and for a moment he

wondered if he’d overstepped, but her smile said otherwise. 

“You have to find them yourself, silly goose.” She teased. Sebastian grinned. He could  _ definitely  _ do that. 

He took her in for the first time that night, all glitter and smooth fabric. She wore a black romper adorned with a floral pattern, one that showed a good amount of skin. Her makeup was dainty and made her eyes pop, bronze contrasting well against her blue eyes. She looked comfortable for once, not tugging at her outfit or checking to make sure her lipstick was perfect. He wondered why she always got so dressed up.

“You look so much better than me.” He blurted out suddenly, instantly met with intrusive, negative thoughts.

_ Of course she does, have you seen yourself? _

__ _ You’re a fucking idiot. Who says something like that? _

__ _ That’s not even a compliment.  _

__ Ash smiled sympathetically. He cringed.

“Don’t say that.” She crooned, reaching out to place a hand on his. “It’s not true. You look nice. We both do.”

Sebastian sighed. Nice…? She looked amazing… 

Their food arrived shortly after and Sebastian became painfully aware of how difficult it was to eat ramen with sophistication. Clearly Ash had the same struggle, because she was taking about a good minute to get to her first bite, strategically piling noodles into one bite on the chirirenge. He snorted.

“Having fun?” He teased. “Next time we’ll get something easier to eat. Though your focused face is really cute.”

She sputtered, damn near dropping her renge in the process. Her cheeks turned bright red, likely not from the steam emanating from her pho. She shot him a knowing smirk, opting to unceremoniously shovel pho into her mouth.

“Still cute. Look at how puffy your cheeks get when they’re full!” Sebastian grabbed one of her still-red cheeks from across the table and she whined, scrunching up her face.

“You almost made me spit pho everywhere!” Ash giggled, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. Sebastian shrugged nonchalantly. 

“Well, I didn’t… It would have been kinda funny if I did, though.”

“ _ Sebastian! _ ”

“Wouldn’t be the first time I made you spit someth--”

“ **_SEBASTIAN OH MY GOD WE ARE IN PUBLIC._ ** ”

A shit-eating grin spread across his face. It was pretty obvious that she was more concerned about his comments making her little heart explode rather than someone hearing them.

“... And for the record,” She began, face suddenly stone-cold. “I swallowed.”

Oh.

_ Oh okay. So it’s like that. _

__ He rested his elbows on the table, suddenly uninterested in his tonkotsu. 

“How did I taste?” He growled, tapping his foot against hers. She bit back a scream. 

“ _ Sebastian _ ” She hissed, swatting at his arm. “W-we can do this later--”

“Later? It’s just a question.” He held his hands up in surrender. “But if you want to give me something to look forward to when we get home, that’s fine too.”

Ash stopped mid-bite, eyes wide. She put her spoon down. 

“That can be arranged, if you promise to be good until then.”

_ OOF. _

__ Was this… a dominant side that he’d yet to see? That could be very, very fun.

“Deal.” He said, unable to form a witty response. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dinner went smoothly from there on, full of knowing glances and idle chatter laced with ill intent. She was civil enough not to test any boundaries and tease him, save for a few gentle touches on the arm here and there. Nothing he couldn’t handle. 

“So, tell me what happened earlier.”

Ash’s face fell. She chewed her edamame slowly, as if thinking how to breach the subject. She suddenly appeared… sullen. Broken.

“Shane… Kind of lashed out at me.”

“ _ What? _ ”

Anger bubbled through his veins. Who the fuck was  _ Shane _ to lash out on Ash? What could he possibly have against someone like her? Truthfully Shane seemed to have something against everyone, but last he’d checked, Ash had managed to tame Shane into being a decent friend.

“I-I don’t… It’s kind of a blur, to be honest, but… I was only trying to help him and… He got angry at me. Abigail had to calm me down.”

Sebastian felt his eye twitch. He had to be the calm one here. Showing any negative emotions would only scare her more.

…  _ What the fuck is therapy doing to me? _

__ Taking a deep breath, Sebastian placed his elbows on the table. 

“So you tried to give him advice, and he got mad at you?”

“Not necessarily. I just offered to help, yknow? Be there for him. But he said he wants to be miserable, essentially.”

He couldn’t stifle a disgusted look. Of course… That sounded exactly like Shane. Wanting nothing more than to drown in his own sad life. 

“I’m really sorry that happened… Why don’t we head home? We can watch that movie and I promise it’ll make you laugh until you forget every bad thing that happened today. Sound good?”

Ash smiled up at him, some unreadable emotion in her eyes. Something that didn’t match with her turned-up lips. 

“Sounds fine. Want me to get this one?”

She flashed a blue bank card from her purse. Sebastian shook his head.

“I got it, kiddo. I’ll meet you outside.” 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“WHAT THE FUCK--” Ash wheezed, eyes plastered to the screen. “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING??”

Sebastian wiped a stray tear from his eyes, body trembling with laughter. They watched as a man in a poorly made bunny costume approached his next victim.

“ _ Come kill me, you piece of shit! _ ” The man onscreen said. A scene akin to a terrible Powerpoint presentation proceeded to play, showing multiple different slides of the man screaming with different effects. Ash screamed, accidentally kicking her bottle of hard lemonade over, but it didn’t seem to phase her. She was too busy losing her shit thanks to the atrocity of a movie Sebastian had selected for them. Sebastian could also barely handle himself, between watching Ash absolutely lose her goddamn mind and the ridiculous film.

“I-I come here expecting a shitty 80s horror film--” She choked out, steadying herself on the couch. “And you give me THIS?”   
“ _ Hey. _ It’s called a forest, okay--” Sebastian said calmly, referencing the complete monstrosity that was the beginning of Bunnyman. Ash fell back against the couch once more, heavy black tears running down her cheeks. 

“I need a break, holy shit.” She said finally, pausing the movie. “I can only handle so many dumpster fire fumes at once.”

“Even Pickles needs to drink after that shit!” Sebastian laughed, pointing to the orange tabby, who was currently sniffing the puddle of lemonade on the hardwood floor. Ash shooed him away.

“He’s not old enough yet!” She scolded. Ash made an attempt to get up, but Sebastian tugged her back down to the couch.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He purred, nuzzling her cheek. Ash sputtered.

“Don’t tell me that that drug trip of a movie made you hard!” She squirmed in his grasp. 

“What? No! I was just… Thinkin’ about our talk at the restaurant.” 

She rolled her eyes. 

“Give me a few minutes to recover before all that. I just witnessed a man in a bunny suit kill, like, a dozen people.”

Sebastian shrugged. He couldn’t blame her. 

“Y’know… There is a scene where some hot chick has one of the other girls tied up.”

Ash froze.  _ WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY THAT?! Now she knows you’re a freak and you assumed she is too and she’s gonna call you a pervert and make you leave a-- _

__ “Fast forward to that part.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was absolutely confirmed that Ash had a dominant side.

Practically picking her jaw up off the floor, she slowly sank back into the couch, eyes still wide.

“I… I don’t know which woman I’d rather be in that situation. Regardless, I’m pretty sure that was my second sexual awakening. You have to leave, Sebastian, I’m gay now.”

Sebastian snorted. He wouldn’t be surprised if she weren’t joking, judging by the not-so-subtle way she was rocking against her own thighs.

“I see how it is. You’re probably one of those people with a secret sex dungeon, huh?”

“More like a secret sex  _ box _ . I don’t have the need for any paddles or collars… Right now. All I have are… Standard… Self-care items?”

A devilish grin appeared on Sebastian’s face.

“Care to show me your self-care routine?”

She froze mid-drink, staring wide-eyed at him before chugging the rest of the bottle. Pointing an accusatory finger at him, she wiped her mouth with her wrist.

“You gotta earn that shit.” She rasped. “Plus, like… We’ve only ever been intimate after we’ve been drinking. How about you stay over and see if you’re still feeling it tomorrow?”

_ Oh. _

__ Finally noticing the pain in her eyes, Sebastian suddenly felt like a huge prick. He hadn’t done it intentionally, but… She was right. The time at Abi’s, both times at the farmhouse, every time they’d gone a little further it’s been under the influence. His heart broke for her. He wouldn’t blame her if she felt a little used…

“I promise I’ll still be up for it then.” He said, placing a soft hand to her warm cheek. “I didn’t even realize that’s how it’s been going down. I’m sorry.”

A sad smile graced her pretty face. A little tear fell straight from her eye to her lap, shining against the harsh light of the TV like a little diamond. 

“It’s okay. I think I’d feel better if we just finished the movie and called it a night, okay?”

He nodded. 

“As long as I can be with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOWWW ITS BEEN AWHILE HUH? :0 Im so sorry haha truthfully Ive been spending all my free time studying for a new job Im hoping to get! The end of my retail days are near... Also, did you know that little boat-spoon that comes with ramen has a name? I didnt! :3 Now you know!

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first big project in a long time-- I hope you all like it! I started writing LaS last summer :3 I will change the rating and tags when applicable-- expect darker themes later on. I was greatly inspired by "For a Long Time Looking at Stars", "Hiraeth", and "Honey and Bluebells"-- all wonderful SDV fics found here on Ao3! I was nervous about writing myself and my issues/trauma but these fics (and many more!) gave me the confidence I needed ^_^


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